Clarity
by inlya
Summary: [GSR] When Sara has been shot, certain things become clear for Grissom and herself. Will they finally see that they are made for each other? [Wip] [Chapter 20 added: Conversation with Ecklie & The Consequences. ]
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **Clarity

**Author: **Inlya

**Rating:** Warning: New Rating... I rated this story R just to be safe & because a violent and sexual orientated chapter. Not this chapter though...

**Summary**: When Sara has been shot, certain things become clear for Grissom.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of these characters. They belong to CBS.

* * *

A big thank you to Fish for beta reading. I really appreciate it. 

A hug for Rianne for being my CSI buddy.

And finally, Tielke, thanks so much for your patience.

* * *

**Chapter 1**

Catherine walked through the building of the CSI crime lab. It was about two o'clock and she was on her way to the DNA lab. Greg Sanders, the lab technician had sent her a message that he had news about her case. She stood in front of the window of the lab and looked at the young technician who was bouncing at the heavy rock music that came blaring out of his stereo. She couldn't help but smile, Greg seemed to have fun. She knocked on the door, but Greg didn't notice her. She coughed.

Greg looked up from the centrifuge. 'Cath... what's up?'

Catherine walked towards him. 'I heard you had results for me? You paged me?'

The information came to mind. 'Aaaah... you got to love this.' He walked to the desk and waved the papers. 'The DNA results came up blank, but Greg Sanders will always look further than you think he will. I compared the DNA you gave me with the DNA of the victim, Tara Jones, and guess what? Seven of 13 markers matched.' His whole attitude seemed satisfied.

'So... it is a relative.' Catherine walked to the door and turned around.

'Don't you have something to say to the guy who almost solved the case?'

Catherine rolled her eyes. 'Okay then Greg, you're the best...' She walked away from the lab towards Brass' office.

* * *

Catherine's cell phone rang, she picked up. 'Willows.' 

'Cath, it's Nick. Do you know where Sara is? She promised to help me with processing the car, and I can't find her.'

'She's working on a case with me. She went back to the crime scene to process some evidence that we might have missed. Have you tried to contact her on her cell phone?'

'Yeah, but she doesn't answer it. Isn't that weird? She always has hers on.'

Catherine felt that something was wrong. It was true; Sara always answered phone calls, even when she was busy with evidence. But she didn't want to make Nick more worried than he already was. 'Maybe she just... didn't hear it. I will check for you, okay?' She hung up.

It still didn't feel right. Catherine dialed Sara's phone, but she didn't answer. Catherine tried again: maybe she got the wrong number. Still she didn't pick up She continued her way to Brass' office, but when she was in front of his door, she realized that he wouldn't be able to do anything to make her feel better. She went to her car, opened it with the remote control on her key ring and stepped inside. She started the vehicle and drove to the crime scene.

* * *

When she arrived, she could literally feel that there was something wrong. She couldn't see any signs of Sara's car, the whole scene seemed empty. She parked her car and stepped out. She walked around at the scene: no Sara. She took the flashlight out of her pocket and turned it on. She stood still and turned around. She could see small orange lights in the distance when she turned to the south. Maybe a car? She wasn't sure. 

'Sara!' She called. She didn't get response. She started to run to the lights, calling out her name. 'Sara! Where are you?' Come on, this isn't funny anymore, she told herself. Now, she was so close that she could see the license plate. She stopped immediately. 'O god...' Her hand covered her mouth. This was bad, very bad. Sara's car, without Sara around was a bad sign. After a moment she realized that Sara might be in the car. She ran to the driver's side. What she discovered was even worse than what she had in mind.

* * *

Sara was lying with her forehead on the steering wheel. She couldn't see what happened, but she guessed it was something bad. Her face looked deathly pale in the beam of the flashlight. Was she still alive? She tried to open the car, but it was locked. 'Dammit!' Why should things like this happen right now? She took a step back. She closed her eyes for a moment. 'Please, stay calm.' She told herself out loud. She opened her eyes again. Catherine tried to asses Sara's condition through the window. She saw Sara's chest rise and fall, but quickly and very weak. 'Thank god...' Tears of relief threatened to fall, but she pushed her feelings away. She had to help Sara right now, if she didn't she could die. She took her cell phone out and dialed 911. 

'911, what's your emergency?'

For a moment Catherine didn't know what to say. 'I ehm... my friend, Sara... She's badly hurt.'

'Ma'am, please stay calm. Where are you?'

Thoughts passed through her mind. She tried to remember what the name of the street was. 'I am near Meadows Lane 1538. She's in a black SUV... please come quickly...'

'An ambulance is on the way.'

The connection broke up and Catherine went back to the car. She stepped back, drew her gun and used it to break open the back window of the car. The window shattered into little pieces and Catherine was able to open the door. She stepped inside and moved to the passenger side. She looked at Sara and saw that her whole shirt was covered with blood. She still couldn't see the source. Catherine's hand moved carefully to Sara's neck. She laid two fingers on her neck and checked Sara's pulse. Her heartbeat was really fast, Catherine's guessed about 130 beats per minute. She touched Sara's face. 'Sara? Sara... wake up.'

A small cough escaped from Sara's mouth. She opened her eyes and tried to lift her head from the steering wheel. Catherine helped her sit back in the seat. Now she could see that there was a small gunshot wound in her chest, very close to the place where her heart was supposed to be. Catherine saw that Sara was looking at her; she could see the fright in her eyes.

'... happened?... my breast... hurt...'

Catherine didn't know what to say to comfort her. 'I don't know what happened... listen; the paramedics will be here soon. You need to be strong, honey.'

Sara's eyes became hazy, her eyelids fluttered closed.

'Sara! You need to be strong. Do you hear me?' Sara nodded, her eyes still closed. She could see that Sara was suffering. In the distance, she could hear the ambulance sirens. She unlocked the doors, stepped out and ran to the ambulance. It stopped and two paramedics ran towards her, one with an emergency kit in his hand. A female with long black hair entered the car. Before Catherine realized what was happening, Sara was lying on a stretcher.

'Ma' am?'

Catherine looked up into the green eyes of the EMT.

'Are you riding with us?'

Catherine nodded and ran to the ambulance.

When she stepped in, the doors of the ambulance were slammed. The ambulance sped away. The sirens were easy to hear. Catherine stared at the stretcher. Sara was lying there with lots of IV's in her arm. Her eyes were closed, but not like they were before. She seemed to sleep, her face held some kind of peace. Catherine didn't know what to do. She wanted to cry, but the moment wasn't right for it. Did she want to know how Sara was doing? She tried to focus on the things that were said by the paramedics.

'Just give her two doses of propoxyphene.'

'BP 90 over 75! Pulse 120! Stats are dropping!'

'Then give her more oxygen!'

Catherine did not understand everything that was said, but she knew it was quite bad.

'Miss...'

'Willows, Catherine Willows.'

'Can you answer some of our questions about her?' The woman with the black hair sat next to her with a pen and paper.

'Yes, of course.'

'What's her name?'

Catherine thought it was better to tell the doctor every detail she knew about Sara's medical record, the faster this was finished, the better it was for her. 'She's Sara Sidle, an employee of the Las Vegas Crime Lab. She's 33 years old, about 5 foot 8, about 120 lbs.'

The EMT smiled at her. 'Thanks for the details. I am Sandy. Is she allergic to any of medication or to something else that we should be aware of?'

Catherine tried to think of all the conversations she has had with Sara. 'Not that I know... How... how is she doing? Is she going to... make it?'

The EMT gave her a warm smile. 'She's very weak; she has lost a lot of blood. They are going to operate on her, they'll have to remove the bullet from her chest. I can't say if she is going to make it or not.' The EMT took her radiophone and typed a number. 'Sorry, have to make a call,' she told Catherine. 'Hey, it's me. I need six bags of O neg. Of course I need it now. In 5 minutes. Okay. Woman with gunshot wound to the chest. Thanks.' She hung up.

The ambulance arrived at the hospital before Catherine realized it. The paramedics ran with the stretcher right to the Operation Room. Catherine followed them, until she came to two huge swinging doors. A nurse made it clear that she couldn't go into that room. 'You can sit there.' She pointed to a couch on the side of the big hall, but Catherine didn't want to sit down. No-one knew about what happened, she had to call them. She walked to the desk.

A young woman was sitting there. 'How can I help you?'

'I need to make a call...' The nurse put the phone on the desk so that Catherine could use it.

'Thank you very much.' She typed in the Grissom's cell phone number.

'Grissom.'

She inhaled, pausing to prepare herself for the bad news she had to relay. 'Grissom... Something happened, you need to come over to Desert Palm...' Memories came rushing back, memories of Sara's shirt covered with blood, memories of Sara's eyes full of fear, memories of the lifeless body lying on the stretcher. She almost started to cry, but somehow she managed to hide her tears.

'Cath...? What happened? Who...?'

Catherine couldn't find the words to tell him the bad news, but she knew she had to. 'I ehm... Sara's been shot... she's in surgery now.' The other side of the line remained silent. She could almost feel his fear. 'Gil?' She whispered, hoping he would respond. The heartbreaking silence was tearing her apart. If he would cry, she had the opportunity to comfort him, if he would scream, she could calm him down, but she didn't know how to break the silence.

'Cath... I'll... I'll be right there.' He hung up. She put the phone down on the desk and walked to the couch. She sat down and closed her eyes for a moment, wishing that this was only a really bad dream.

Moments passed by, and Catherine remained on the couch. She knew she couldn't do anything, and that idea made her mad, but she knew that screaming wouldn't make a difference. A familiar voice brought her back to reality. She looked up, and saw Grissom standing in front of her. She got up and looked into his confused face. His silence said anything to her, so she stepped towards him and gave him a hug.

After a long time she let him go.

'Cath? What happened?'

'I... she didn't answer her cell phone. I felt that there was something wrong and went to the scene. There was blood all over her shirt, she was shot in her chest. She...' A wry smile appeared on her face. 'You should say that I knew what to do, but I... freaked out. I'm so sorry...'

He sat down on the couch. Catherine took place beside him.

He looked at her. 'Is she going to...' He couldn't finish his sentence: the thought of a life without Sara made him numb. If she would die, he would never forgive himself. He felt that he could have saved her, if he hadn't... if he had told her... Stop thinking about this, she's going to live, he told himself, but why did these words make so little sense?

'I really don't know, but you have to remember: She's a tough one.' She took his hand and squeezed. 'Hey... it's going to be okay.' He looked at her, and she gave him a smile. She didn't know whether she told him because she believed it, or because she wanted to believe it.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: A quick thanks-to part. Thanks for the reviews, thanks Fish for the beta-ing, thanks Rianne for thinking with me. I hope you will enjoy this chapter.

* * *

**Chapter 2:**

After what seemed like a long time, a woman in a white coat came towards them. 'You are here for Sara Sidle?'

Catherine nodded and looked protectively at Grissom. He saw that she was looking at him and smiled at her. She smiled back and they both looked back at the doctor, who was going to tell them about Sara.

'I'm Doctor Cole. We were able to stabilize her, but I need to say that it caused a lot of damage. She had lost a lot of blood, and her left lung is collapsed. She's moving up to the Operation Room right now, they are going to remove the bullet and repair the lung tissue.'

Grissom closed his eyes and sighed. He placed both of his hands beside him and stood up. 'Thanks so much.'

The doctor smiled at him and ran to the bed that came rushing out of the Emergency Room. Grissom looked at it, and saw Sara lying on the bed. God... she was so pale, almost bluish pale. Someone was giving her artificial respiration with a balloon. What happened to her? He ran to the bed, and tried to get as close as possible, but the doctors didn't let him get near her. He stepped next to the bed and saw a chance to touch her hand. It was cold, but not as cold as a dead body: she was still alive and she had chance, he kept telling himself.

'You can't go in here!' One of the doctors yelled at him.

He stared at the bed that was pushed into the operation room, until the doors closed.

* * *

Catherine woke up from her reverie when she heard sounds next to her. She looked up and saw tears on Grissom's cheeks. She moved her arm to his shoulder and gently laid her hand on his upper arm.

'Hey... it's okay...'

Her whispered words made him a little more calm. He stopped crying and took the tissue she gave him. 'I'm sorry Catherine... I just... I thought I lost her. I couldn't get a rid of the idea of her... on that bed... I am so afraid to lose her...'

He took Catherine's hand off his arm. 'Can you leave me alone, please? I just need to be alone now...'

Catherine knew that it was better to leave him alone for the moment. 'I'll sit right there, okay?' She pointed to a chair at the end of the hall. Grissom nodded and Catherine walked away.

* * *

After several hours of waiting someone came out of the swinging doors.

'How is she doing?' Catherine took the lead because she knew Grissom would be too afraid for the answer. The doctor's smile told her that the news wouldn't be too bad.

'We removed the bullet from her system. The bullet caused some serious harm to her left lung. We had to remove the part of the lung that was injured by the bullet and she has a collapsed lung. We cannot treat a collapsed lung, it has to recover on it's own. We administer extra oxygen and painkillers. She has been very fortunate, but she is very weak though.'

'Can I see her?' Grissom knew that the answer would probably be no, and he didn't know whether he wanted to see her or not, but he had to be there for her. He couldn't handle the idea of Sara lying in a white room on her own, without somebody to comfort her.

The doctor pursed her lips. 'I think I can allow a short visit. But only for 10 minutes.'

'Thank you doctor.'

He followed the doctor to the room Sara was in. The doctor stopped when they were at the end of the corridor. There was a window, but the curtain was closed, so that Grissom couldn't see what happened inside the room.

'You can go into the room now. If you need me, just ask for doctor Corris at the desk in the hall.' She gave him a warm smile and he stepped in.

* * *

Sara was lying on the bed. She was connected to a countless number of monitors, and a couple of IV-bags hung on the rack. An oxygen mask covered her mouth. She seemed to breathe with some difficulty, but she was breathing on her own, and that was the most important issue at the moment.

He took the chair from the left corner of the room, and placed it next to her bed. He took her hand and caressed it softly. Her fingers were still cold, but not as cold as they were before. He took that as a good sign. He looked at her face. Her eyes were closed. Her skin was still pale, but not bluish anymore. He placed his other hand on her cheek. It might have been an illusion, but he believed that he saw her ease a bit, and that she seemed to notice that he was there.

'Hey… it's me. It's okay now, Sara…' His words subsided to a whisper. What else should he say to her? Should he say that he felt sorry for everything? Should he tell her about his fear, the terrible feelings he had last night? Should he ask her forgiveness? Should he tell her that he loved her? And if he did, would she know it? Would she be conscious enough to hear it? And what would she say? He sighed. This wasn't the right moment to talk about his feelings. Suddenly, he felt her fingers moving in the palm of his hand. He looked at her face, and saw that her eyes were open a bit. He smiled at her.

'Hey… how are you feeling?'

She didn't have to answer; the fright in her eyes told him everything. 'Honey, it's okay… everything is fine now…' Her hand moved to the oxygen mask, but before it could reach it, he lifted it a bit, so that she could say something.

'Tired… my breathing… hurts.'

'Sara, you need to see a doctor.' He tried to stand up, but she reached for his hand. He stopped and looked at her.

'Don't leave… please.'

He sat down again and touched her forehead with his free hand.

'You… stay, with me?' She asked him slowly.

He heard the pain in her voice. He knew he had to tell her that he couldn't stay, that he had to leave. That fact hurt him even more: that he had to be there for her, but that he couldn't stay at her side.

'Sara… I can't. The doctor told me that I could visit you only for ten minutes… I'm sorry…'

Her eyes closed for a moment. 'I'm… afraid. Please… stay.'

He knew she was falling in unconsciousness again, and that he had to make a decision. Would it harm her if he stayed with her? He didn't have to answer his question.

'Okay, hun, I won't leave you.'

'Promise?'

Grissom laid the oxygen mask back on her mouth. He touched her hair. 'I'll promise you that.' She closed her eyes and fell asleep. He stayed close beside her, with her hand still in his.

* * *

Grissom was startled by the sound of a knock on the door. His head turned to the direction of the sound. He saw Doctor Corris standing in the doorway. She frowned at him,

'Didn't I tell you that you could only visit her for ten minutes? She needs her rest.' She whispered because she didn't want to wake Sara.

Grissom didn't know what to say first. 'I ehm… she woke up. She was scared and asked me to stay with her. So I did.'

The doctor smiled at him. 'That's sweet of you, but she really needs her rest. Could you leave, please? You can come back in several hours.'

'I promised that I wouldn't leave her, and I will keep that promise. So, I won't leave this room.'

'But I really think that you have to leave. She needs to rest. Even when you are quiet, she will notice your presence.'

Grissom knew that she was right. 'Okay, but can you call me when she wakes up?'

'Of course I will.' She told him with a smile, and Grissom left the room.

* * *

He found Catherine in the hall, sitting in a chair. 'How is she doing?'

Grissom inhaled heavily. 'She's… breathing.'

Silence fell between them. 'Is that all you have to say?' Catherine asked him with a lifted eyebrow.

'She… she woke up. She was so afraid, Cath… I tried to comfort her. I promised to stay with her, but I couldn't, the doctor sent me away. What if she wakes up and realizes that I am not there?'

'She'll know you have a reason for not being there. Don't worry about that.'

Grissom closed his eyes accepting the answer, and exhaled deeply.

'Hey, I need to go to the lab. No-one knows what happened, I think they're a bit worried right now. And we need to process Sara's crime scene. We need to get this bastard for what he did to her.'

She stood up. 'If you need me, you can call me and I'll come to you, okay?' She smiled and walked away.

* * *

A/N: Thank you so much for your reviews. I really appreciate them; it gives me the courage to write. Next chapter is halfway there. I hope I'll post it on Monday. Merry Christmas to anyone :) 


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Sorry for the delay. I need to say, this is NOT medical correct. I'm sorry, but I am only a student, not a doctor. Thanks for the reviews, I really appreciate them (said it already, I know). I have done research though, and this is the best I can. I really try to avoid medical dialogues, but I can't avoid them completely.  
Thanks to Fish, Rianne and Vincent.

* * *

Chapter 3

Catherine parked her car at the crime lab. She walked through the doors and looked for Nick or Warrick, but they weren't in the DNA-lab or in the break room. _They could be anywhere_, Catherine thought. She took out her cell-phone and dialed Warrick's number.

'Brown.'

'It's me.'

'Hey, where have you been? We've tried to contact you for hours.'

'I need to tell you something… Can you and Nick come over to Brass' office?' She could hear Warrick think.

'You can tell it to me on the phone…'

'I want to tell you this in person. Can you come, please?'

'Sure, we'll be there.'

He hung up and Catherine walked to Brass' office. She knocked on the door, and opened it when she heard him say that she could come in. Brass looked up from his computer.

'Ah, Catherine. What can I do for you?'

'I… I need to…'

He saw that something was wrong. 'Why don't you sit down? I can get you a cup of coffee. Is that okay?'

She nodded and took a seat in a chair. Brass walked away and came back a few minutes later, with two cups of coffee. Just when he sat in his chair, Nick and Warrick came in. Brass raised an eyebrow.

'Guys… Sara's been shot. She's in the hospital now.'

Warrick walked to her and placed his hand on her shoulder. Nick lingered in the doorway, with a shocked expression on his face. Brass' head sunk into his hands.

'What happened, Cath? Is she…'

Catherine turned so she could see Nick.

'She's still alive… She was shot in the chest. The bullet punctured her lung. Her condition is critical…'

'I need to see her…' Nick almost walked away, but Catherine's words stopped him.

'Nick, you can't. She can't have visitors at the moment.'

She stood up and walked over to him.

'But… I need to do something.'

Catherine could see the tears in his eyes. She gave him a hug and let him go. 'There's nothing you can do for her at this moment, but we must get the bastard that did this to her.'

'I'm with you.' Warrick said firmly. All three of them looked at Brass.

'Do everything you can to get this guy behind the bars.' They walked away to their cars and drove to the crime scene.

* * *

Grissom was sitting in the chair at the end of the hall. Thoughts were passing his mind. Images moved through his head. Sara who was lying on that bed, like a helpless child. She needed him right now, more than she ever did. And he couldn't be there for her.

He thought about the night that the lab was blown up. Sara, on the road, with that cut in her left hand. God, how concerned he was. It was only a small wound, but he... for a moment thought he had lost her. And that night that he was called because Sara was caught on the road, driving under the influence. He really thought that she had an accident, and that she was hurt. And now, he wanted to tell her that he loved her, and if she died he wouldn't have that chance anymore.

That just couldn't be an option, she had to make it. But she... she was just so lifeless. He let his head rest on the back of the chair. Someone woke him from his thoughts.

'Mister...' It was a question, he understood.

'Grissom...'

He looked up and saw doctor Corris standing in front of him. 'Mr. Grissom... I need to ask you something about Miss Sidle. Are you the father of the baby?'

Grissom glared at her. _Baby? What baby? Was Sara pregnant? Probably... was it his child? Could he be a father?_ He thought for a moment that this was one big joke, but the doctor's face told him that this was serious. 'I... I think so... why?'

'Do you want to give us permission to abort the fetus if it risks Miss Sidle's health?'

His eyes widened. _Was there a chance that she was going to die? Was the baby the reason that she was so weak?_ 'Harm her? Is she going to... ?'

The doctor looked at him sincerely. 'There is a chance that she will die. She lost a lot of blood and her oxygen level is very low, due to the pneumothorax and if her oxygen levels remain that low, I really think we need to abort the fetus. I am really sorry.'

He closed his eyes. He didn't know what to think anymore, it was too much to handle at the moment. He should be happy that he would become a father, but if that would hurt her, he had to say that it was fine to remove the baby. But… could he make that decision for her? He knew he had to… but what should he say? That the life of the child was less important than her life? Could he? His mind went back to the moment with her… her white skin, the fear in her eyes, her cold hands. The sound of her fast heartbeat on the monitors… he had to make the decision right now… he opened his eyes and looked at the doctor. 'Just… just do what's best for her…'

'We will try to keep them both alive, but if her condition should get worse, I'm afraid that we don't have an option.' The doctor walked away.

'Doctor?'

She turned around. 'Yes?'

'Can I see her now?'

'I am sorry, but you can't. She's very weak and needs her rest. I am really sorry.'

Grissom nodded, he didn't have the power to say anything else.

The doctor saw that Grissom wasn't handling it very well. 'But you can see her through the window of her room.' She made a gesture that told him that he could walk with her. He stood up and walked towards Sara's room.

* * *

The SUV's of Warrick, Nick and Catherine stopped at the end of the road. All three of them stepped out and took their field kits out of the trunk. Catherine walked to the front to the car. She put her kit on the sidewalk and picked a pair of latex gloves out of it. The other two did the same. Catherine walked towards the two younger men. 'Nick, can you start with the surrounding area? Warrick, you're with me.'

Both of the men nodded and Warrick walked with Catherine to the car. Catherine opened the door of the passenger's side. The darkness of the car made them turn on their flashlights. Catherine stepped inside the car. 'I'll start with the outside' Warrick took the fingerprint powder and the brush and proceeded to dust the car. Catherine leaned over to the driver's side of the car. The blood was still visible on the chair. Catherine took a swab and took a sample from the driver's seat, even though she already knew that it was Sara's blood. She put it in a bag and signed the label. She took her camera and took some photos of the inside of the car. Her eyes fell on a hair that laid on the floor of the passenger's seat. 'Ahhh... nice.'

She put her camera back down and grabbed the tweezers. She picked the hair up; it was a short, blonde hair. 'Definitely not hers...' Catherine smiled; maybe it was enough for a DNA-profile. She bagged it and took out the fingerprint powder and dipped the brush in the barrel. She started with the dashboard and a partial fingerprint appeared. She photographed the print, lifted it and continued with the printing. She found a lot of prints on the steering wheel, but she was convinced that these prints were Sara's. She found a couple of dark brown hairs, probably from Sara herself. She got out of the car and walked over to Warrick.

'What did you find?'

'Fingerprints... but I bet they're from the EMT's. How's yours?'

Catherine smiled. 'Fingerprints and a hair. Blonde and short, not from the EMT's, not hers. Let's call auto-detail and get the car to the lab.' Warrick took his cell phone and dialed a number. Catherine walked away to find Nick. She saw him at the end of the street, on his knees with tweezers in his hands. She walked over to him. 'How's it going?'

'You know? I checked the whole area and nothing. Nothing that can be related to the crime...'

'We should get that bullet... I'm going to the hospital.'

'I'm going with you.'

Catherine knew that there was no way to stop him and closed her eyes. 'That's fine...' She walked back to the cars. Warrick was leaning with his back to one of the black SUV's. Catherine looked at him. 'You're going to the lab? Nick and I are going to the hospital to pick up that bullet.'

'That's fine. See you later.' He gave her a quick hug. Nick and Catherine got in their vehicles and drove to the hospital.

* * *

Grissom stopped in front of Sara's room. The curtain was open. He could see that her eyes were closed. She was sleeping, she wasn't in pain. He was so thankful that she wasn't aware of the fact that he wasn't there. He looked at her belly. If he didn't know that she was pregnant, he wouldn't have seen that it was bigger than it used to be. _How long was she pregnant? It must have been that night_. He tried to calculate, but his mind wouldn't let him think clear. He looked at the doctor next to him. He appreciated the fact that she stood next to him, she was with him, despite of the fact that she must have a lot of other things to do. 'How long has she pregnant?'

'I am not a gynecologist. It has not been reported in her medical record, so she hasn't seen one yet. But my guess is that she's been pregnant for about 12 weeks.'

Suddenly, it was too much for him. He started to cry, his head on the glass of the window. His shoulders shaked. The doctor placed a hand on his shoulder. He breathed in and swallowed. He looked at the doctor. 'Thank you. I... I just...' He didn't have to finish the sentence.

'No problem, it's okay.' He walked down the hall, he couldn't stand by the window anymore with the knowledge that he could only look at her and not do anything. He took a seat on the couch and put his head in his hands. Thoughts flooded his mind.

* * *

Another A/N? Hmmmm. actually I don't know anything to say, exept the thanks part. Next chapter? I don't know when it will be up. I hope next week, and I think so, because I have holidays now. If I don't update it before new years eve: Happy new year to anyone! 


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I know I'm repeating it, but thanks so much for your reviews. I love to read them  Also a very big thank-you to Fish for Beta-ing and for the discussions I have with you. Rianne… thank you… you know why. Let's start with chapter 4!

* * *

**Chapter 4**

Nick and Catherine walked to the entrance of the hospital. They stood in front of the elevators. Catherine pushed the button and waited. She looked at Nick. He was staring off in the distance and wasn't aware that she was staring at him. His mind seemed to be on Sara. She placed her hand on his shoulder. He looked at her and Catherine smiled at him. She tried to think of what she should say, but the elevator doors opened. Both of them stepped inside. She pushed the button for the second floor and waited until the elevator stopped at the second floor. They stepped out and walked to the desk in the hall. The woman at the desk didn't notice their presence.

'Excuse me?'

'Yes, what can I do for you?'

Catherine took her ID tag from her belt and showed it to the woman. 'I'm Catherine Willows and this is Nick Stokes. We're from the crime lab and we're investigating the shooting of Sara Sidle. We would like to have the bullet.'

She looked at them. 'Ehm... don't you need a warrant for that?' She said insecurely.

'Not if you give it to us voluntary.' Nick moved closer to the desk. 'It would help us a lot.'

The woman looked from Catherine to Nick and back. 'Ehm... I think I need to call doctor Corris for that.' She took the phone and dialed a number. 'Can you come to the front desk please? There are people from the crime lab and they're asking for a bullet. Yes. Okay. Thank you.' She turned to Catherine. 'She's coming. You can wait here.'

* * *

A few minutes later Doctor Corris arrived. 'How can I help you?'

Nick took the lead. 'We're from the crime lab, and we're investigating Sara's case.' When he realized that Catherine was looking at him, he corrected himself. 'I mean Sara Sidle's case. Can we have the bullet?'

'I'll see what I can do.' She walked away and came back with the bullet in a plastic bag. 'Here you are, I hope it will help to solve your case.'

'Can we go and scrape her fingernails ?' Catherine knew that the chance they would be allowed was very low, but she had to ask it. When she saw that the doctor didn't understand the question, she added: 'She may have scratched her attacker; there would be epithelia's under her nails.'

'How long does it take to do that?'

'Probably less than five minutes.'

'You can, but you can only go in for five minutes.' With that the doctor walked away towards the corridor to the left.

Catherine took her gloves and the things she needed from her field kit, but Nick stopped her. With a look of seriousness he faced her, 'Please let me do it...'

Catherine hesitated. 'You know you're only there for the evidence...'

Nick nodded slowly. 'I know that...' He took the field kit from her and put his gloves on. He walked towards Sara's room without looking back.

* * *

When he arrived in the corridor, he could see that Grissom was standing by the window. His hand was on the glass. Nick walked over and stood beside him. Grissom seemed not to notice his presence; he was still focused on what lay beyond the window. Nick tried not to look past the window, he was afraid of what Sara might look like. He faced Grissom and decided that he should say something. 'Gris?'

Grissom looked at him. 'I'm going in... to collect evidence... from under her fingernails.' He knew how hard this had to be for Grissom: he couldn't be with her, even when he had more right to be in there.

'I want to do this. Give me the kit.'

The way Grissom said those words scared Nick, he had never seen him like this. His tone was so resolute that Nick almost gave the evidence kit to him, but he didn't. 'I can't give it to you... you can't do this... you're too involved.' Nick tried not to say it too impersonally.

Grissom's glared at Nick, 'I'm your supervisor and I want to do this. Give the kit to me.'

Nick was not going to give in. If Grissom wouldn't listen to what he had said, he would have to say something else. He didn't want to be harsh, but because Grissom didn't want to listen, he had to. 'Gris... you're not on the case. I can't let you do this. The evidence would be inadmissible in court. I'm sorry.'

Grissom turned away. Nick didn't know what to do, so he stayed next to him, waiting for his answer. 'Nick? I'm sorry... I shouldn't have responded like that. You're right, I can't do this.' 'It's alright. We all are upset by what happened.' He walked to the door and placed his hand on the handle.

* * *

He entered the room and closed the door behind him, slowly; he didn't want to wake her. He placed his field kit on the table on the right side of the room and took the things he needed. Then he turned around so he could see her. He was not frightened by what he saw. Despite of the fact that her eyes were closed and her skin was unnaturally pale, he still could see a spark of the Sara he knew. Her face held a stubborn expression; he saw it in her eyebrows. He smiled, the fear that she would die disappeared: she was too tough to give up.

He walked to her bed and sat down in the chair. He gingerly took her left hand and scraped under her, he did this very carefully, so he wouldn't hurt her. When he was done with her left hand, he placed it back on the bed and took her right hand. He did the same with her right hand as he had done with her left and then placed it back on the bed. He sealed the envelope and signed the label. '

He took off his gloves and put them in another bag. He signed that label too and looked at his watch. He still had two minutes left with her. He pulled up the chair and had a seat. He placed a hand on her cheek and waited for her response. _Would she wake up? If she did, would that be a good sign? Would she be in pain? _He glanced at her face and saw a frown appear. Her eyes opened. She regarded him with a confused look. 'Hey Sar...'

She swallowed and tried to say something, but nothing came out: the oxygen mask made it impossible to talk. He lifted it for her.

'Nick...' She tried to smile at him, but Nick saw that it was filled with pain and weariness. He knew he shouldn't keep her awake, she needed to sleep. 'I think you need to sleep, okay?'

Sara closed her eyes and when she opened them again, he could see that she was about to cry. Her eyes were filled with unshed tears. Nick held her hand. 'Hey... it's okay...' He took a tissue out of his pocket and dried her eyes.

She inhaled and looked at him. 'I'm so sorry... I'm... tired... pain... I'm sorry...'

Nick placed the mask back on her mouth. He kissed her softly on her forehead. 'Don't be sorry... Sar, I need to go but I promise you that I'll be back. You have to sleep, okay?' She looked at him and nodded. He stood up and left the room.

* * *

In the meantime, Catherine was looking for Grissom. She looked in the hallway, where she left him, but he wasn't there. Would he be with Sara? Probably... she knew Grissom, he would never leave her alone: out of all the people he knew, Sara was the one he cared the most about. She walked to the corridor where Sara was located and saw the two men standing in front of the window. She walked over to them and stopped when she was beside Grissom. There was a heavy silence between them.

Catherine looked through the window at the young woman. Sara was lying on her bed, very peaceful. After what seemed like a long time, Grissom placed his hand on the window. 'She's pregnant...'

Both Nick and Catherine looked at Grissom with obvious shock. No-one said a word: they didn't know what to say. Catherine felt very uncomfortable: _was it his child? Could she take that for granted? And if it wasn't, whose would it be? And how would Grissom take that, if there was another person in Sara's life?_ She knew she had to say something. 'Is... is it yours?'

He still didn't look at her. 'I don't know... they asked me to give permission to abort the baby if... if it would harm her.'

Catherine looked at Nick first and he looked back. She saw that he didn't know what to say either. Then she looked at Grissom. The expression on his face told her nothing, but the way the words were said made so much clear to her: she had never heard him talk this way, so sad and painful. 'Oh... Gil, I'm so sorry for you...'

He remained silent. 'We... we have to go back to the lab. You know you can call me?' Grissom seemed not to hear it. Catherine placed a hand on his shoulder and shared a look with Nick. Then they turned around and left him there.

* * *

Warrick was making his way to Greg's lab. He lingered in the doorway and looked at Greg. He was adding a fluid to the test tube with a pipette. It was a surprise to see him working with so much dedication. Greg used to bounce through the lab on heavy metal, but the radio was off. Warrick walked over to the lab technician.

'Warrick.'

'Yeah... do you have results for me?'

'The hair you gave me? It's dyed, it is under the microscope.'

Warrick walked over to the microscope and looked through the ocular. He could see that Greg was right. But they wouldn't get the guy just with a dyed hair. 'Do you have more for me? Did you run it through CODIS?'

Greg looked at him with disappointment evident on his face. 'It's XY, but nothing came up in CODIS. I'm really sorry.'

Warrick bit his lip. 'That's a shame, because my fingerprints came up blank as well. Nothing in AFIS. Damn.'

'Do you have other evidence?' Greg felt that he had to say something to cheer Warrick up, although he knew he couldn't say something to make him feel better.

'I hope the bullet will give us more information... but, to be honest, I think the odds are low. Dammit Greg!'

'Hey man... you can't help it, it's not your fault. Don't blame yourself.'

Warrick looked at Greg, and managed a weak smile. 'I don't blame myself but I just want to get the guy. I feel obligated to do that.'

'How is she?' Greg asked with an unsure tone. 'I don't know... I haven't seen her. She's a fighter, though. She's going to be okay.'

Greg smiled at him, that's what he needed to hear. Warrick made his way back to the garage, maybe he would find something he missed in the car. He hoped he would find something, but deep in his heart he knew that they wouldn't get the guy.

* * *

I'm already thinking of the next chapter and I'm looking foreward to write it. Maybe I'll be a little late, because I have an English book to read and a literature exam to make (I'm sure that I'll pas it, have read all the books). I hope I'll post it next week. If not: thanks for your patience! 


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** Thanks very much for your reviews! Ehm... about the use of verbs (to CrysWimmer and everyone else who noticed), I don't know how to do it better... I have done the best I could. If you still find things disturbing, please send me an email or something, where you explain what you think I should change. I really want to improve writing... A lighter subject: Thanks to Fish for beta-ing :) Oh and warning: I changed the rating, because of the violent & sexual scene in this chapter. Anyway... this chapter is a bit longer than usual, hope you don't mind :) Let's start with this chapter!

* * *

**Chapter 5**

A couple of days passed by, and Sara proved that she was a fighter. She spent the first two days almost fully unconscious, but on the third day she was making a lot of progress. She moved to another department of the hospital. Grissom was almost permanently present in the hospital, the doctors told him that he could go home and that they would call him if her condition changed, but he didn't want to. He wanted to stay with her, and if that wasn't possible, he wanted to stay as close as possible. The doctors gave up, and offered him a bed in the family room, which he used gratefully. She still was not allowed to have visitors yet, but when she moved to the another department, things changed. He was allowed to visit her on visiting hours, three times a day. He went to her home for the first time to pick up some things she might need.

When he arrived at the hospital again, he looked through the window. Sara was awake; the upper part of her bed was lifted a bit, so that she sat up a bit. She saw him, and smiled. He went to the door and opened it.

'Hey.' She smiled again, and for the first time, she didn't seem tired or in pain.

'Hey, Sara. How are you feeling?'

'Better... Still somewhat tired, but I'm okay now.' She seemed to mean it.

'I went to your apartment and... picked up some things for you.' He put the bag on the table and took out the things to show Sara. 'I took some clothes, for when you're feeling better and are allowed to get out of bed, a couple of forensic magazines, and this.' He took a wrapped, small box out of the bag and walked to Sara.

'Gris, you shouldn't have...'

The way she said it told him that she appreciated what he did. He gave it to her and she took the paper off. She looked at the box and opened it. Her eyes widened and she looked at him.

'Oh my... Gris, this is so beautiful...'

She took the silver necklace out of the box and looked closer. It was silver, without pendant. It was simple, but because of its simplicity very beautiful. He took the necklace from her and put it on her neck.

'It looks beautiful on you.'

'Thank you so much. For everything, for being there for me, for... you know why...'

Grissom felt that he needed to talk with her. He had to know... about the baby, but he didn't have the courage to ask her. He stared at her belly, hoping she would notice. Silence fell between them.

'So... you know...'

Grissom just nodded. 'Is it... mine?'

She looked at him. 'Yes...'

Grissom felt a mixture of emotions. He was relieved that it was his child, he was glad he had certainity, but becoming a father... he didn't know he would be the right person for that. It would take so much responsibility, and he didn't know he could do it. He sighed. 'Why didn't you... tell me?'

She looked away from him, it seemed to be a painful topic. 'I... couldn't. I didn't know what to do about it, I didn't know if I wanted it myself, and I was so unsure. When I realized I wanted to keep it, I wanted to tell you, but there was never a moment... I really tried, but I... I'm sorry, Gris... I'm so sorry...' Tears slipped down her cheeks.

Grissom sat down on the edge of the bed and held her in his arms very carefully. 'Hey... don't cry. It's okay...' He whispered.

'No, it's not. I should have told you and I didn't. You had to hear it from strangers... it's just not fair. I'm carrying your child, and you didn't know it...'

He took her face and held it. 'It happened, we can't turn back time... I know it now, and it's okay. Okay?'

She stopped crying and wiped her tears. 'Sorry... I'm just... it's just... everything. Catherine...' She broke down in tears again. Between the sobs, she told him what she had wanted to say. 'She... came to me, this morning. She told me that... that they don't have enough evidence... They... I will never know who did this to me...'

Grissom was filled with pity. He felt so sorry for her, and knew how hard this had to be for her. She had to find closure, and he didn't know she would be able to find it now. He caressed her hair. 'Shhh... don't cry...'

'I... I don't know I can do it a second time... I don't think I can handle it...' She took his hand and looked at him with her tear stained eyes. 'I never told you this... but... if you weren't there... at Harvard, when you were... I would have killed myself. I never thanked you for that...' Her head sank on his shoulder. He held her close to him for awhile. When he felt she was calm again, he laid her back against the bed and put the bed down because he noticed that she had become tired. She didn't protest.

'I have to go, visiting time is over.' He kissed her on her cheek. 'Sara... I'll be back soon, okay?' She looked at him.

'Thank you...'

He walked away, with pain in his heart.

When he stood in the elevator, memories flowed through his mind.

* * *

**_September 7, 1991_**

_It was almost dark, the last rays of golden sunshine fell through the leaves of the trees. The young, dark-haired woman stepped out of the car. She slammed the door and locked the car. She walked to the apartment and her hand reached for the doorbell. She almost pushed to it, but she hesitated. She closed her eyes and muttered something to herself. She rang the doorbell and stepped back. After a period of about a minute, the door opened. A man opened the door._

_He was surprised to see her. It was true, he had invited her to have a drink at his apartment, but he had never expected that she would come. 'Sara Sidle... come in.'_

_She stepped inside and he took her coat and hung it on the hallstand. He looked at her. She wore a V-neck purple top and a pair of tight jeans. She had a silver necklace, when he looked closer, he saw that the pendant was a butterfly. Her curly, long hair fell beautifully on her shoulders. She barely wore make-up, not that she needed it, she was beautiful. No, that was an understatement. She literally took his breath away._

_When he realized that she was staring at him, he awoke from his distracted thoughts. 'Oh... let's go to the living room.' He opened the door and proceded to guide her to the living room._

_She walked over to a display case and looked at a butterfly in a box of glass. She took it and looked closer. She smiled at him. 'It's beautiful...'_

_'It's a Palamedes Swallowtail.'_

_Sara put the glass down again. 'I always think it's... macabre. We have to kill them to look at them, to see their true beauty. I... I think it's wrong, but I... I still think it's beautiful.' She closed her eyes and shook her head. 'Nevermind...'_

_Grissom thought about the plan for the evening: she was here to drink something with him and he nearly forgot about the plan. 'Ehm... Do you want something to drink?'_

_She bit her lip. 'No... I wanted to talk with you... I need to tell you something. Can we... sit down please?'_

_Grissom became unsure: what did this mean? He had noticed that she had something to hide, but she never told him what it was. Was she going to tell him? 'Sure we can.' He tried to sound nonchalant._

_She took the black chair and curled her legs up beside her. Grissom sat down on the couch. She seemed to search for strength, she had her eyes closed. She opened them and looked at him. 'I only want you to listen... please, I'm telling you this once, I... never want to talk about it again. Please...' She almost begged him._

_Grissom did not know what scared him the most: the tone or what she said. 'It's okay, of course I won't talk about it again if you don't want to. I promise you.'_

_'I... I don't know where to start. I'm...' She looked away from him. 'I have been raped.' Grissom was shocked. He didn't know what to say, he didn't know if she wanted him to say something._

_'O, Sara... that's...' She looked at him. 'Shhh... Just listen, okay?' She moved her hands to her temples and hid her face. Then she laid them back on her lap._

_'I had a party that day. The society organized a welcome-party for new members. I remember I danced, it was... nice. I told them that I had to leave early, the day after I had an exam. I left and walked to my apartment. I can remember how cold it was, and how beautiful the night. I stood still and looked at the sky, there were thousands of stars. Then I heard someone behind me. I turned. He said hello. It was just a normal guy. I greeted._

_He walked towards me... he took be by the arm and dragged me to the groves. I screamed, but he hit me in the cheek with his fist. It hurt so much. I sank down on my knees and begged him not to do anything. He kicked me in the stomach and I fell to the ground. He... sat down on my chest and... he told me that no-one would hear me screaming. He bent forward and started to kiss me. I turned my head, but he grabbed my jaw with his hand and made me look at him. He told me that...'_

_At that moment, Sara started to cry. She hid her face in her hands. Grissom walked over to her and sat on the arm rest. He moved his hand to her shoulder and caressed her. He didn't say a word. When she stopped crying, he walked back to the couch, he thought she wouldn't appreciate it if he was sitting too close to her._

_'He ripped my pants off... raped me. I can still feel his hands on my wrists. I thought that I would die... he told me... he said that if I told someone, I would be dead the next day. It felt like forever, but suddenly he stopped...and he stood up. He ran away, but before he did, he kicked my back. He yelled something and left. I couldn't stand up, I don't know why... I don't know how long I laid there, but suddenly I heard a car. I heard footsteps they came to me. I was not afraid, I was just empty. I couldn't think. A man came over to me. The last thing I remember is that he lifted me up and walked to his car with me. He laid me on the back seat. I think I passed out there._

_I woke up in the hospital, lying in a bed. There were... people taking photographs. They looked at everything, I think you know what they do. The doctors told me that I had been lucky, that it could have been worse. Worse! I had a broken cheekbone, a bruised jawbone, two bruised ribs, and a lot of bruises all over my body. And they dared to tell me if could have been worse!... I felt so horrible... I couldn't tell what was going on, I just couldn't. I saw his face and I felt so cold inside. His words were in my mind, every day, every second. They never got the guy...'_

_She stared off in to the distance. Her eyes were empty, like she was a body without a soul. Grissom didn't know what to do. He didn't want to make things worse for her, but he didn't want to seem cold or distant either. He decided to wait for her and stayed where he was. When she was ready, she would say something, he thought by himself._

_After a few minutes, her eyes closed and opened again. She shook her head twice and frowned. 'I... I have to go. I have to feed my cat.' She didn't say it to him, it was just an announcement._

_She stood up and walked to the door, but before she could reach it, Grissom grabbed her hand. She looked at him confusion written all over her face. 'You can't go home right now, at least not alone.'_

_'I have no choice...' Her voice had become barely audible._

_'Do you have someone to... go to?'_

_Slowly, she shook her head. Her lips formed the word no, without any sound._

_'You can stay here.' He was surprised how easily the words came out of his mouth._

_'But... I have no clothes here, and I have to do my laundry... and beside that, you're a professor and I'm a student...' She looked around. 'I don't think you have a... second bed. I just... can't stay here.'_

_'You can. I can sleep on the couch and you can sleep the bed, you can borrow one of my shirts to sleep in. And about the professor-student relationship: don't worry about that. Right now... I'm just Gil Grissom who wants to help Sara Sidle, not Dr. Grissom. Okay?'_

_Sara nodded and looked at him. 'But I don't want to be a burden to you... I can sleep on the couch and...' She didn't have time to finish her sentence._

_'No, Sara, you're not a burden to me, not at all. And I'll sleep on the couch, okay?'_

_Sara realized that she could say nothing to change his mind. 'Thank you.'_

_Grissom smiled at her. 'You're welcome... do you want to drink something?'_

_Sara managed to give him a little smile. 'Yeah... I would love a cup of tea... I still think that I should go...'_

_Grissom interrupted her. 'Ms Sidle, the discussion is over, okay?'_

_Sara walked to the kitchen, with him. He poured some water in the water boiler and put it on. He placed two teacups on the kitchen table and waited until the water cooked. He made tea and poured tea in to the cups. He gave one to Sara. They both walked to the living room and both of them took a spot on the couch._

_'So... I am the only one who knows...'_

_Sara looked at him. 'Yes...'_

_Grissom felt uncomfortable, 'Don't you have... family or... friends to tell this to? I mean: why me?'_

_'Because you're the only one who noticed... the only one who asked. I... I trust you.' Her cheeks flushed a little, but he didn't notice it._

_'And... family? Why didn't you go back to them?' He felt she was avoiding the subject._

_'We'll talk about this later, okay? I'm just not ready to talk about it.' She wanted to talk about it, but what she said was true: she couldn't talk about it, at least not yet._

_Suddenly, she felt really tired. She yawned, but tried to hide it with her hand. She looked at Grissom, hoping that he hadn't noticed it, but his eyes told her that he had. She smiled - she was caught._

_'Sara, I think you need to go to bed.' He looked at his watch. 'It's almost midnight.'_

_He stood up and she followed him to the bedroom. It was a small room, with only a double bed, a closet, a desk with a chair and a beautiful painting. There was a door that led to the balcony. He walked to the closet and took one of the shirts out of the pile. He handed it to her and turned around, so that she could change._

_'I'm finished.'_

_He looked at her and went over to the curtains. He closed them. She laid down in the bed and looked at him. 'When you need anything or... need me, you can call me, okay?'_

_She nodded._

_'Goodnight, Sara.'_

_She smiled. 'Goodnight ehm... Grissom.'_

_He left the room.

* * *

_

He took his cell phone out as soon as he was out of the hospital. He dialed a number and waited impatiently.

'Stokes'

'Nick, it's me. Can you do me a favor?'

'Yeah... what is it about?' 'It's about... a case. Could you re-open a case for me? For a friend of mine?'

'Yeah, sure. What kind of case?'

'It's a rape case, the crime was committed in about 1990. It has never been solved. The case files are in Boston.'

'I'll do it. But... who's the victim?'

'I... I want this to be between you and me, okay? No-one knows about it... and if you don't find anything, please forget about it. Not having an answer won't make her happy.'

'Gris... who is the victim?'

'It's... It's Sara...'

* * *

A/N: Next chapter will be up soon. For the interested folks: I am on 2/3 of my English book, and passed my literature exam with 85/100. I already know what to write in my sixth chapter (well... not exactly, but when I'm writing, it will be okay), so I think it'll be up next week or so. Oh and: To Be Continued. (that's what all the authors say at the end of the chapter) 


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: My mind is quite empty right now, I don't have a lot of inspiration for this authors note, forgive me. Thanks for your reviews, I love to read them. Thanks to Fish (Snow?) for beta-ing. Thanks to Rianne for being the first reader.  
Let's start it!

* * *

Nick was sitting at the desk, staring at the computer. He put his arms above his head and stretched. He looked at his watch. It was almost eight in the morning, his shift had ended, but he wanted to go on. _How long had he been sitting there? Probably longer than 2 hours and still no match found. _He sighed and shook his head. He felt that with every minute that passed, the odds got lower and lower. And he wanted to solve this case; he wanted it more than ever. This was not an issue about satisfaction, he doubted that he would feel as exited as he had gotten with every DNA other match. This was an issue about duty. He felt like he was obligated to get the rapist.

He took his cup off the table and took a sip. With disgust he put the mug back on the table and swallowed the coffee, it had become cold. _I must have been too busy to notice that it was getting cold_, He thought. He heard a knock on the door. He turned around sharply and saw that Greg was standing in the doorway. Greg looked at Nick with a repentant glance.

'Sorry Greg. I was just… focussed.'

'I told you that you could leave... I'll page you when I have the results.'

Greg moved closer and stood beside Nick. He looked at the computer. 'Are you working with Catherine?'

Nick knew he had to be careful right now. Greg shouldn't know about this case, but vague answers would make him suspicious.

'No, I'm working solo. A cold case.'

Greg nodded and walked back to the doorway. 'My offer still stands.'

Nick smiled, Greg wanted to be helpful but he couldn't leave the computer. 'Thanks, but… no. I want to wait for my results.' Greg shrugged and walked away. Nick continued looking at the screen. After a while, a beep signaled that the computer had found a match. Nick almost jumped out of his skin. He tried to stay calm and clicked on the match that had come up.

'Jay Brendan… assault, possession with intent to sell...'

Nick was relieved that he had found the guy. He double checked the rap sheet, but it was a perfect match. He made his way out of the room and searched for a peaceful place to make a call. He settled for the locker room and took the notebook out of his pocket. He searched for the telephone number he had written in it, dialed the Boston Police Department and passed all the information to them.

* * *

When the CSI's in Boston had called him back to inform him that they had arrested the suspect, he took out his cell phone and called Grissom. A few seconds later, Grissom answered the phone.

'Grissom.'

'It's Nick. I got a match. I can't discuss this with you, but I wanted to let you know. I called the Boston Police Department, and... well, let's say it looks promising.'

Grissom's eyes widened. He couldn't say how thankful he was, and he didn't know how Sara would respond to this. He hoped it would help her make everything better; she seemed so depressed after the accident. Even if she didn't say and pretended that she was okay, Grissom felt that she wasn't. There was something missing when she laughed, her mouth moved and sound came out but the sparkle in her eyes was gone. He really wanted to help her, but he didn't know how.

'Thank you so much... I hope I can say on behalf of Sara...'

Nick knew what Grissom meant, he hoped the same. 'The Massachusetts' statute of limitation on rape is fifteen years, so we were barely on time.' He paused a moment, he wanted to say something else but didn't know how. He didn't want Sara to know that he was the one who did the research, he didn't want to be the hero. And what would Sara say when she discovered that he knew it too? 'Are you... going to tell Sara now?'

'Yes, I'm going to see her now, it's not visiting hour, but I think this is important enough. I... ehm...' His mind failed him, he didn't know what to say to Nick, his mind was with Sara. He hoped Nick would understand that he couldn't say a lot right now. 'I... I'll call you back later, okay? I... Thank you Nick.' He shut his phone and made his way to the department where Sara's room was.

The closer he got to Sara's room, the more nervouse he became. He didn't know how to break the news properly, and he could only hope that she wanted to hear it. He remembered his promise, and he felt sorry that he had to break it, but this was far more important. She just had to know that they got him, and that he and all the others were there for her. He stood in front of the door, and tried to look through the windows. Unfortunately, the curtains were closed, so that he couldn't get a glimpse of her. He knocked on the door and hoped that she would respond: he didn't want to wake her up. When he didn't get an answer, he knocked again, a bit louder now.

'Come in.' He barely heard her. Slowly he opened the door. He saw Sara, sitting in her bed, on the sheets. She was dressed in a black, old jumper and a pair of comfortable trousers, also in black. She smiled at him, at least she was glad to see him.

'Am I... interrupting you?' He wanted to make sure she was not too tired to talk about it.

'No... I was just... relaxing, you know... I can't do much at the moment, and it's frustrating me, but I think I have to accept my fate.' She gave him a sour smile.

He took the chair and sat next to her bed. He looked away from her.

'Sara... I, ehm, about your... about your rape...' He wanted her to look at him, but she stared at the doorway.

Suddenly, she looked at him, her eyes were filled with a seething glance. 'You told me that you would never talk about this again, you promised me Grissom! You... I can't believe you're... Do you have any idea how horrible I feel everyday? Thanks for reminding me...'

He knew he didn't have to pull through, but it was hard to let her make the first step. He knew he had to be patient. 'Sara... I'm...'

She interrupted him roughly, 'Get out! ' She whispered the words, but with such angry undertone that it had more impact than if she had screamed. When she realized he hadn't moved, she said them again, a bit louder. 'Get out, Grissom.'

'Sara... this is not what you want.' He saw tears in her eyes, he wanted to comfort her, but knew it was impossible right now, she would only pull him away. After five minutes of heavy silence, she looked at him. _Why had she told him to leave? Why had she used such a hard tone? He was there for her, and she pushed him away, again. She needed him, and she just told him to leave... _She felt the tears escape and roll down her cheeks, but she didn't react.

'Sorry Grissom. I... shouldn't have responded like that. I'm really sorry...'

She wiped away her tears with her arm. He reached for her hand, and she let him take it.

'I... I have to be sorry too. I broke my promise, but I... I had to. Are you ready to talk about it?' She didn't look at him, but he could see her nodding vaguely.

'I guess... wait a minute Sara...'

He stood up and walked out the door, leaving Sara utterly confused. He came back with a wheelchair and he wheeled it to beside her bed. 'I thought it would be... easier to talk in another environment. Do you... want to go to the garden?'

Grissom looked at her, and noticed that she was trying to get out of the bed. She moved her upper body, placed her hands beside her and pushed. She slowly swung her legs around and when her feet reached the floor she tried to stand up. She held onto the edge of the bed for support, but still she seemed a bit unsteady. She walked towards the wheelchair and she almost fell on her second step she made, but Grissom caught her. Without saying anything, he aided her to the wheelchair.

He wheeled her to the garden and parked the wheelchair next to a bank. He sat down and looked at her. He waited for her to start the conversation; he had to be careful with her. She was staring at her knees, and wouldn't to look at him.

'Just talk to me...' She said without moving.

'You're ready?' He wanted to be certain that she meant what she said; he didn't want to risk pushing her away again, he didn't want to hurt her again.

She looked at him. 'Yes... I'm ready.'

He couldn't see any emotion on her face, she just acknowledged him. He was not sure whether this was a good sign or a bad sign, but he figured that he had to trust her. _He had to tell her sometime, and she told him that it was okay to do it now_.

Grissom's mind was searching for the right words, 'I... ehm, when you told me you couldn't handle it anymore, two unsolved cases... I called Nick to look at your rape case.'

He expected her to be angry, but she seemed to not react like he was not talking to her. He was worrying about that, but... _it could just be her way of taking it_, he thought to himself. 'God, Sara... I felt so sorry for you... I didn't know if it was the right decision to make, but... I felt I had to do this...'

She looked at him, and touched his hand. She didn't say anything, but the silence told him that he had made the right choice. He didn't know if she appreciated it, but at least she was not angry at him. The small gesture, that wouldn't have meant anything in a different situation, made a lot clear: she gave him a chance, she still trusted him. In a different situation he would have smiled at her, but not now... it just wasn't the right moment. His thumb caressed her fingers. 'This morning... he told me that they arrested the guy. He'll be in jail, Sara, he's never going to do this again.'

Both of them didn't know what to say anymore. They sat close to each other for a while, without a word, without looking. They were still holding hands. For strangers it would have seemed normal, but for them, it meant so much more. Sara's eyes tried to catch his. He looked at her.

'Can you bring me back to my room? I'm... tired.'

He nodded, _of course he would bring her back,_ he thought to himself. He stood up and had to let her hand go. Slowly, he drove her back inside. When he saw that she was shivering, he took off his coat and stopped the wheelchair. He laid it on her lap and put it over her shoulders. She looked like she didn't notice, but he knew she had seen it, and appreciated it. He smiled to himself, knowing she wouldn't say anything.

When they arrived at her room, he placed the wheelchair as close as possible to the bed. He put on the lock so it wouldn't roll away and walked over to the other side of the wheelchair. He took her hand to help her step out, he didn't want her to fall again. She placed both of her feet on the ground and stood up. When she stood she fell again, but this time she fell into his arms. He didn't hesitate, not one moment. He moved his hand to under her legs and lifted her up off the ground. She looked at him, but surprisingly she didn't seem astonished. He knew she didn't like being vulnerable, so her smile surprised him even more. He walked with her over to the bed and placed her on it.

When she sat on the rim of the bed, she made a gesture with her hand, next to her on the bed. _She wants me to sit next to her_, he thought. He made his way to the bedside and sat next to her; close enough not to seem cold, distant enough not to feel embarrassed. She closed her eyes, her lips trembled.

'Will you hold me... please?'

He delayed, could he be so close to her? He didn't want to disappoint her again, he was not sure he could give her what she wanted. He wanted her to be happy... but if this was what she wanted, he knew that he had to do it. He sat closer to her and placed his arm around her. She laid her head on his shoulder. _She feels safe here... _He thought.

A while later, around thirty minutes, she lifted her head up. He gazed deeply into her eyes and then looked her over. _God... she was so beautiful... _It almost hurt him to think about it, because he knew these thoughts wouldn't be good, not for her, but neither for him. He would hurt her by attracting her and pushing her away. It had almost become their game of gravity, he didn't want to hurt her, and he didn't want to hurt himself. _But why did he felt that way about her? Why couldn't he deny his feelings right now? _She looked back. His head moved to hers, he closed his eyes, he felt that he couldn't refuse it anymore. His lips touched hers, and he gave her a tiny kiss. He opened his eyes, and knew what he had done. He knew that it was wrong - that he shouldn't do this to her. _I can't go on with this... I would only hurt her, I would hurt myself..._ Filled with confusion, he stood up and left the room.

* * *

A/N: I'm not in the mood for writing another A/N. So, just the necessary part. Next chapter will up soon, I hope, but I have lots of other work to do. I'll see what I can do, okay? TBC! 


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: This chapter came a lot quicker than I thought it would come. Finished in one day straight. I think writing may be an escape for me, to escape from all the things I have to do. I consider it as a 'healthy hobby'. Well, that's just me. Thank you for all your reviews, it placed a 'megawatt smile' on my face. Thanks to Snow (yeah, I'm officially calling you Snow now... ) for beta-ing. I may have to change the angst, it's still angst, but it will become less angsty. Don't worry, in this chapter, it's still present. That's enough from me, let's start it!

* * *

He closed the door firmly and stood still with the handle still in his right hand. He closed his eyes, again. He didn't know how many times he had closed his eyes today, he had lost count. He felt the tears were forming and a dull ache manifest behind his eyes. _It had been a mistake_, he thought. _His love for Sara wasn't real, it was just an impulse, and it was nothing more than a simple thoughtless action, nothing more. His kiss... it was just a spur of the moment. It had not been real, it just couldn't have been. _He felt the the tears coming, he tried to swallow them away, but the feeling was just too intense to push away. Then he thought about Sara. _She would understand it... she has to understand. She knew he couldn't love her the way she loved him, he couldn't care about anyone... She deserved someone else, someone special who would make her happy. _He cried now, he knew he couldn't do anything to make the situation different. He knew that he was lying right now, he did care about her, he loved her, and it was not a simple quirk. _But why can't I show her how I feel? Why can't I love her the way she deserves? Why do I walk away every time I try to love her?_ He dared to think of it, dared to use the word love, because he realised that this was no longer friendship, or taking care. It was so much more. 

Suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He jumped at the touch and turned around. Catherine was standing in front of him; he could only guess what she was thinking. She kept silent and placed her hand on his shoulder. He was so grateful that she wasn't asking questions, that she just stood right in front of him, in silence. He nodded at her, trying to convey a lot to her. It was a sign that she could talk to him, it was a sign that it was okay. He released his grip on the handle.

Catherine was first to brake the silence. 'What happened? Why are you crying? It's about...?'

He tried to look at her, but realised that it was too painful for him. He knew he had to talk to her, she was the only one he could speak to right now. 'It's... her. I...'

He searched for the words, but couldn't find them. She made a gesture to the chairs just across the hall, but he made it clear that he would rather stand there. She opened her purse, looked in it and grabbed him a tissue. He accepted it and wiped away his tears.

'Whatever happened between you two, you need to go back to her. She needs you, Gil, she needs you more than ever. And you know it.' He nodded, knowing that what she said was true. Catherine continued. 'You don't have to tell me why you're crying, I think that's private, and I'll accept that, but... I've known Sara long enough to know that she... loves you. And don't look at me like that, it's quite obvious. You have been... I'm not going to sugar-coat it anymore; you have been a real jerk to her. She has tried and tried to show you her feelings, and you just... turned around. You...'

She stopped her torrent of words and looked at him. He wasn't crying, he just accepted the words. After a while, he looked at her. 'I tried to... kiss her. And I just ran away... I don't know what to do about it anymore. She... I need her, I can't deny it anymore. God... I have been in denial for so long now... I... love her and I want to love her, but I just... I completely blank out every time I try to show her my feelings. I really want to Cath, but I don't know how.'

He felt the tears foming again, but he managed to push them away. 'Do you think she wants to see me again?' He wanted to know, but he doubted if Sara wanted that and he didn't think he could do it himself - to go back in there and apologize, but he had to.

'She has been really patient with you... more than you deserve.' She saw his stunned expression and smiled. 'Sorry, Gil, you wanted me to be honest, right? You can give it a go... I always say: never doubt, never look back, and that's what you need to do right now. Just go, and tell her what you told me. Then, it's up to her.' She moved closer and hugged him. 'You know what you have to do... shall I wait here?'

He shook his head. 'Thanks, but... no... I just... I'll call you back later, okay?' She smiled and walked away; looking over her shoulder, she left him with, 'Good luck.' He placed his hand back on the handle and opened the door again.

* * *

She was still sitting on the bed, in the same place Grissom had left her. She was crying, again. She didn't want to fall apart again. The kiss... it had been a surprise to her, she didn't see it coming, and for a moment she thought it was real, for a moment she thought they had a chance, but he walked away like he always did. _What has he done to me? Why am I always crying when he does this to me? _She wanted to forget him, she wanted to leave him... but she couldn't, her legs didn't want to walk her away, and even if they had been strong, she couldn't have left him. _I've spent almost half of my life wanting him to love me... no, not to love me, but... I just want him to show me that I'm more to him than an employee... and every time he tries to, he just runs away... _

Similiar thoughts passed through her mind. She smiled painfully, knowing he was probably going to act like nothing happened. She could almost hear him telling her to forget it... '_Sara... it was a mistake, you have to know that. I like you, but... Let's just move on_.'

But the last thing she wanted was to 'move on', she wanted to talk about it, but she wasn't sure she would be able to bear the pain again; she didn't know she could handle his unsure mind again. If he came back to her, she would forgive him and everything would be okay, but was that what she wanted? _Would I get somewhere when we made up and he promises to not to run away? Would he finally say those three little words to me?_ She had her doubts, but she knew she couldn't do anything but give him another chance.

She dried her tears and looked at the necklace on the bedside table. She smiled and took it. She let it lay in her hands and rubbed with the tip of her index finger on the silver-coloured metal. She loved the way it felt in her hands. She unlocked the clasp and put it on her neck. The metal felt cold on her skin. She sighed and changed position.

Then she heard someone open the door. She looked at the doorway abruptly. It was him. _He was crying_, she thought, she saw the rawness in his eyes. She tried to stay calm and hoped she could remain silent and listen to his words; he was probably going to tell her something really important. She knew that it would be impossible for her.

'Yes?' While saying it, she could have kicked herself. _I sound so cold and harsh, he will walk away again and I'll never know what he was planning to say... what have I done?_ She almost freaked out before he even had the chance to talk. But he didn't walk away; he even moved a little closer and stood still right in front of her bed.

'I'm sorry for what I have done. I shouldn't have...'

She broke his words by coughing softly. 'I know what you're going to say... I just wanted you to know that for me it was no mistake. But if you want to leave me... just go... I won't hold it against you...' She stared at the white wallpaper and felt that she was crying again. _Why am I crying? It has to be the medication... they make me weak and drowsy. _

He inhaled deeply and looked at her. 'Sara... that's not what I was going to say. Please let me finish, okay? I shouldn't have walked away. I don't think it was a mistake... not at all. I...' He closed his eyes and let Catherine's words haunt his mind. '_Just go, and tell her what you told me.'_ He searched for strength. 'I love you Sara. I always loved you... But... every time I try to show you what I feel, I just... I... I'm sorry Sara, sorry for what I have done to you. I wish I could turn back time, but I can't. I was... hoping... you would give me another chance. Please...'

_What did he just say? Did he say that he loved me? No... that he had always loved me? Was this the same Grissom she had worked with for so many years?_ She looked at him with a stunned expression. Her eyes were wide open, but then she realised that he might take back his words tomorrow, that this was just a mistake. She knew she had to say something, but didn't know what to say. She chose to be honest, it would hurt her, it might hurt him, but twisting the truth wouldn't bring them to a better position. 'I don't know if I can, Grissom. I have known you for a very long time and you can say that you'll do better, but I don't know if I can trust you about that. You may feel a different way tomorrow... please don't make me happy for nothing.'

'I know I have been a real... ass... towards you, I'm so sorry for everything, but please, give me another chance. Tell me what I can do to show you that my feelings are real...'

She smiled at him. _He was really trying to be nice._ 'You don't have to prove it, but... just think about it. You can come back tomorrow and tell me what your answer is...' It pained her to wait, but she knew she had to do this.

He took a step towards her and looked at her, hoping she would look back at him. She did. 'Can I... just hold you? I need to feel you in my arms, please? I promise that I won't do anything else. I... I want to be with you, I want to be there for you.'

She wanted to say no, but she realised that she couldn't resist it. She nodded and felt how tired she was, not physically but mentally. She placed her feet back on the bed and laid her head on the pillow. He walked to the other side of the bed, took off his shoes and sat on the other side of the small bed. He moved his hand to her shoulder and gently moved her so he could position himself behind her. He let his body lay back into the other side of the single bed. It was small for them both, but just big enough to lie close to each other without almost rolling out of it. He placed his other hand on her hair and caressed it. He felt her snuggle back into his chest and the tension ease from her body... she was about to fell asleep. He wanted to tell her that he loved her again, but he knew that it was better to remain silent: she would only become upset with him or send him away. Her breathing became rhythmic and calm; he knew that she was sleeping right now. He wished he could see her face, but when he would move he would wake her. He decided to stay there and closed his eyes. His hand moved to her belly that had become a bit bigger, he could feel that there was some life in there. He let his hand rest there gently and fell asleep.

* * *

A/N: I'm looking foreward to the next chapter myself. Next week, I'm at school, yes, again. I can't make any promises... but it will upload it, that's for sure. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. TBC!  



	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: **Sorry, took me a while to upload it... I did not have a writers block (maybe a little, but not that much). I had fun with writing this, especially the middle part, you'll find out why. Oh, for the ones who saw it, I downloaded the parts from ND, and I thought it was fantastic, so well acted, well, I just thought I had to say this.  
Thank you very very much for your reviews, I have never been a person who is going to beg, but well... maybe this time... Please leave a review! Thanks to Snow and Myra!

* * *

Sara woke up after a dreamless sleep. She frowned, but left her eyes closed for a moment, she knew she would be blinded by the bright lights in the room. Her hand moved to the sheet, she noticed that her arms were cold and she wanted to cover them with the warmth of the blanket. She tried to pull it, but somehow it remained where it was. She opened her eyes to see why the blanket didn't move and suddenly she became aware of the fact that she was being held by someone.

Her eyes moved towards her belly and she saw a hand lying on it. _No, she was wrong, it not just lying there,_ she thought. _ It was holding it gently. _Memories were flooding her brain, but she was too sleepy to think about it._ It had to be him_, she thought. She smiled at the thought, she was not afraid of the fact that he was holding her tightly, not at all. She lifted her body a bit and turned her face so she could see his face. He was sleeping; his head was almost lying on hers. She didn't want to move any further, because she would wake him with her movements. She laid her head back on the pillow and snuggled a bit closer to him. She placed her hand on his hand, which was lying on her belly, and put her fingers between his. She stroked them just for a moment and closed her eyes, she was still tired.

_I'm feeling safe next to him._ She was surprised that she could confess this, after all that happened, not just today but in all these years. It was true, she trusted him about a lot of things, but he always had that wall between them, she never really could get close to him. She was not sure if things were going to be okay between them or not, if they did... they had a lot to fix, she knew that. But he was trying and she couldn't do anything but try too. She felt that they had a chance, and that feeling made her warm inside. She squeezed his hand softly and let her mind rest. She fell asleep again.

* * *

Catherine walked back to the corridor where Sara's room was connected to. She actually never went out of the hospital, she confessed. She wanted to know if Grissom and Sara were alright. She couldn't help the fact that she was just so curious, but it was not just inquisitiveness, in fact, she was concerned about Sara, but even more about him. She hadn't spoken to Sara that much lately, she had been quite busy with supervising, and she found it harder than she thought it would be. But she had spent a lot of the spare time she had with him and she had never seen him like this before: he really cared about Sara, that had became really clear to her. She really hoped that he and Sara had had a good conversation.

Even if he had been an ass towards her, he deserved her love. She knew she had been hard to him, but she felt she needed to. He needed a push in the right direction, and she had given it to him. She stood close to the door. She didn't see Grissom around, so she figured that he was still in the room, at least that was what she hoped. _What if he was kicked out of the room? What if Sara had sent him away?_ She shook the bad thoughts from her head, _if he would have left, she would have seen him when she was sitting in the hall, she couldn't have missed him._ He had to be in the room. _Maybe they're having a good conversation, or are doing something else... they probably don't want me inside that room_.

She blamed the fact that the curtains were closed, she couldn't see anything that happened in the room. She put her ear on the door, but couldn't hear any sound, no voices, no screaming, nothing. It almost seemed like the room was empty. _Maybe they went out of the hospital. Maybe they are somewhere else._

She wanted to open the door, but her thoughts stopped her. _Could she do that? Could she go in there, and maybe invade their privacy?_ But her curiosity won beat out reason; she opened the door without knocking on it, hoping that they wouldn't notice that she was coming in. She pushed the door open slowly, and looked through the small crack. Catherine smiled at what she saw; the two of them were lying in Sara's bed, very close to each other. Grissom was holding her in his arms; she was lying with her head on his chest. Sara was holding his hand, her other hand laid on the bed. There was a smile visible on Sara's face. They were sleeping, and it all seemed very peaceful. _It seemed that it all went right_, Catherine thought by herself.

An idea came to her; her hand went into her pocket and she smiled: it was good that she always carried her camera with her. She took it out and sneaked over to the other side of the bed, she didn't want to wake them. She turned off the flash, there was plenty of light in the room and the flash would wake them, and the last thing she wanted was getting caught capturing this intimate moment for both of them. She stood in the position and took one picture, she only needed just one. She looked at the result and smiled. _They looked so cute together_. She put the camera back in her pocket and walked over to the windows. She closed the curtains, so that the room was a bit darker and left.

* * *

A knock on the door made Sara wake up. She left her eyes closed for one moment, and enjoyed the warmth of the bed.

'Ms Sidle?'

She realised that she needed to open her eyes, but she didn't want to, she was still somewhat tired and wanted to rest. When she heard her name again, louder this time, she knew she had to say something. She decided to answer, with her eyes closed. 'Hmmmm... yes?'

She inhaled deeply and moved her head a bit. The voice came closer to her bed, and she felt that she needed to open her eyes. _It would be rude if I didn't open my eyes._ She opened them, narrowly at first, because she expected the light in the room to be blinding, but in fact, it was dark, the only light seemed to come from the doorway. She looked around, and found that Grissom was not there. _Where was he? Had he left me, without saying goodbye? _

She looked at the young nurse with confusion in her eyes. 'Where's Grissom?' She hoped that the nurse would know who she was talking about. The blonde woman stroked a couple of hairs out of her face. She seemed to be unsure.

'You mean... the man who was with you? Your... husband?'

Sara's eyes widened. 'No... he's not my husband. He's... my... well, never mind. Yeah, he was with me...'

The nurse smiled at her and added 'Sorry, I thought he was your husband, the two of you just looked... like you were husband and wife... sorry.'

Sara felt her cheeks reddening at an alarming rate . She looked away from the nurse. 'When did he leave?' The nurse raised her eyebrow and looked at her with a glance of understanding. 'He left about half an hour ago.'

Sara felt disappointed, she wanted to talk with him, she wanted to show him that she appreciated what he had done, that she valued that he had stayed. Now, she didn't have the chance, at least not today, she was sure about that. 'Oh... has he... said something? When he left, I mean? Some message, for me?'

The nurse shook her head. 'No... he just left, I'm sorry that I can't give you more. But I need to give you your medication.' She put the tray on the desk and took a cup with three capsules. She poured some water in a glass and gave both the cup and the glass to Sara. She smiled when she saw Sara's stubborn face. 'I know you don't like it, but you have to take them.' Sara let the pills fall onto her hand and placed them on her tongue. She took a sip of the water and swallowed. She drank the rest of the liquid and gave the glass back to the nurse.

The woman walked over to the desk and placed the glass in the sink. She looked at something on the desk, and took a small letter from it. 'There's a letter lying here... There's written 'Sara' on the top of it...' She turned to see Sara and gave it to her. Sara looked at the handwriting, and saw that it was Grissom's. She smiled and looked back to the nurse. 'Thank you...'

'Oh, before I forget it... there's an appointment made for you at the OB/Gyn, this afternoon, at 4.15. We will bring you.' 'That's fine,' Sara responded. The nurse left the room and all of Sara's attention was at the letter. _He had left a letter for her; he didn't leave without saying goodbye. Okay, it was just a letter, but... at least he thought about me._ She couldn't hide her excitement and opened the letter.

_Sara,_

_I had to leave, I'm sorry, but I couldn't leave you without leaving a message. Lots of things have happened these past few hours, and we need to talk about it, but I couldn't wake you. I wanted to tell you that I thought about what you said, and that I have gone home so that I can think about you and me. I won't come back today, if you don't want me to, but if you need me, just give me a call, I'll be home. _

_Grissom_

She read the letter twice; so she wouldn't miss anything he had said. She found it really sweet of him, that he had taken the time to write her a letter. She realised that she wanted him to be around, and that she wanted him to come with her to the OB/Gyn. She looked at her watch on the bedside table. She grabbed it and saw that it was 2 pm. She picked up the receiver from the desk and dialed his phone number.

'Grissom.'

Her heart started to beat faster. 'Hey, it's me...'

'Sara...'

'Yeah, I wondered... I have an appointment with my gynaecologist and I was wondering... do you want to come with me?'

She hoped that he would say that he would, but she doubted he wanted to. _Didn't he make it clear that he had left her with a reason? But... the letter also told her that, if she wanted, he would be there. _

'Of course I will... if you want to... I mean, yes, I'll be there.'

'Can you be here at about 3.45?'

'Sure, I'll be there. Sara?'

'Yes?'

'Ehm... I'll see you there.'

He hung up and Sara placed the phone back on the hook.

* * *

**A/N**: I know, a bit cliffhangerish, I'm sorry, but I promise that I'll update ASAP. Again... please leave a review. I realised a week ago how much I loved them.  



	9. Chapter 9

**A/N:** An upload before I go on holidays (only for 5 days, and I'll take my laptop, so I can write there... hehe, I'm addicted). I really have to thank Ms Snow for this. Yeah... I asked much, I know, but again: Thank You Very Very (repeat) Much :). Thanks Myra for doing the first scan, and for liking my story. And to all the nice reviewers over there: You Rock! You really do! The lyrics at the beginning and the end are from Miracle by The Corrs. If you want to have details, you can drop me an email. (or just leave a review, so I can mail you back)

* * *

_And, oh, how precious and lonely you are  
Cherish as only you are  
Not born but already  
Changing our world  
Beautiful girl  
Beautiful boy  
You're a beautiful, wonderful miracle_

The door of Sara's room opened and he stepped inside. She smiled at him; she was glad that he had come to see her and to be with her when she went to the OB/Gyn. In fact, she was a bit nervous, this would be the second time she went to check the baby, but she was almost unconscious when she had her first appointment. Everything was okay then, as far as they could tell, but things could have changed. He was there for her and that meant a lot to her, it told her that he wanted to be a father for this little one and that he cared about her. 'Hey.'

He took his coat off and laid it on the back of the chair. He walked to the bed and settled down at the edge of it. 'Hey.'

Sara inhaled deeply. 'I'm glad that you're with me.'

'I'm glad I'm here too. So... we're going to see your OB/Gyn, right?' He felt very uncomfortable, not just about the subject, but about being there, with her. _But it's the first time for her as well, she doesn't know anything more than I do. _This thought made him a bit stronger, and he looked at her. 'Did you... have had an earlier appointment? Before this one, I mean?'

'Yeah, I had. But... it was not an appointment. They just... checked me, but I don't remember it anymore. I just know, well, they told me that I opened my eyes and smiled when I looked at the screen. And that it was okay. But still... well, everything could be different now. I just hope that it's okay...' Her words faded to a whisper. Grissom saw that she was having a hard time and took her hand. 'Hey... it's okay. It'll be alright.'

Sara nodded. 'I just hope that it will be. I... decided that I want this baby to have a better... life than I have had. I just... well... never mind.' He wanted to pretend that he did not hear it, which would be the easiest thing to do for both of them, but couldn't deny the tone of her voice, so sad and full of grief. He pushed himself to say something about it, even when he knew that Sara wasn't going to like the direction the conversation was going. He had to know about her past, so that he could react in an appropriate way when she was talking about it. _I'll only hurt her if I don't know about it; I'll say things that will make her upset... _'Sara... what kind of childhood have you had?'

She shook her head. 'It doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't matter, it's over, and I learned to live with it... I'm okay... I really am...' 'Sara, you're not. Just look at you... every time you try to think about it, you become... unstable, emotional. You haven't come to terms with it yet. And you need to talk about it.' She bit her lip. 'I can't. Grissom, when will you realise that I can't talk about it?' She didn't sound angry, just bitter. It became clear to him that she didn't want to talk about it, but he knew that they had to.

_I don't have to give up; she has to talk with me about it. _'We need to talk about it. You haven't talked about it, and you need to. I promise that I won't tell anyone else, if that's important to you. But we need to talk. Don't say that we don't have to, don't tell me that you have come to terms with it, because I know that's not true, and you know it yourself.'

She looked down. A silence fell between them. 'Griss? I... you are right, we need to talk about it, it's just... it's really hard for me. Can we talk about it... after the appointment?' She looked at him, and her glance was almost begging. He was relieved that she wanted to discuss this herself and he didn't have to push anymore. He knew how stubborn she could be if she really didn't want something, and it was a big step for both of them - they finally were moving closer. He wanted to understand her, so that he could help her, that he could treat her the right way when she was breaking down, that he could console her when she was crying. 'Of course... that's okay.'

He looked at his watch. 'I think it's almost time... are they going to bring you, or should we go together?' Sara shook her shoulders. 'They're said that they would pick me up, but they didn't know that you were coming. Maybe... you can go to the desk in the hall and tell them that you're going with me...' She looked to him and gave him a warm smile. 'I'd rather go with you than with a nurse.'

Grissom stood up and walked to the door. When he came back, a few minutes later, he had a wheelchair, and put it next to the bed. He saw Sara's stubborn expression; he smiled at her a bit teasingly. 'I can walk. At least, let me try it.'

Grissom shook his head. 'Sorry, I can't let you walk. They told me specifically that I had to wheel you to it, and beside that, I don't think that it's a good idea myself.' She gave him an angry glare and stuck her hands out to him, to help her get out of bed. He took them and walked her to the wheelchair. They both made their way to the OB/Gyn department of the hospital.

* * *

They stayed in the waiting room, until someone called them and told them to go to room 2. Grissom wheeled her to the doorway, and saw that she was shaking. He placed her next to the door and walked to the other side of the wheelchair to look at her. She avoided his eyes. 'Sara? Are you okay?'

She nodded, still looking to the other side of the hall. 'Yeah... yeah, I'm fine.' He kneeled down at her and touched her face with his finger and turned her to face him. 'Sorry... I'm just really nervous... that's all.' She smiled at him, but he still noticed the emotion behind the smile. 'It's going to be fine, okay?'

He stood up, opened the door and wheeled her into the room. A woman in a white coat walked towards them. She shook their hands and introduced herself, 'Hello, I am Mary-Ann Cannan. You must be Sara Sidle, and you're... Mr. Sidle?' Grissom shook his head. 'No... I'm Grissom. Gil Grissom. I'm... the father of the baby.' The doctor nodded. 'That's okay. Why don't you have a seat?' She pointed at the chairs in front of the desk.

Grissom wheeled Sara next to the chair, and sat down on the chair. The doctor went to the other side of the desk. 'You already had your first check-up.' She took the files from the desk and looked at them. 'Well... everything seemed fine back then. But you weren't able to answer some of the questions. We need to know, so I going to have to ask. According to the echo that had been made then, you're about 13 weeks pregnant. When was the last time you had your period?' Sara looked to the ceiling. 'Ehm... that must have been... yeah... well, we... made love on... November 20th.'

The doctor wrote it down and calculated. 'So... you're pregnant for 14 weeks. Okay. Because you're in the hospital, I received your medical record, with all the details. Your blood seems fine; your blood pressure is okay as well. This is your first pregnancy, right?' Sara nodded. 'Are there any diseases you have that may be important? Like... HIV or... some hereditary disease?' Grissom nodded. 'Yes, I have otosclerosis. I've had surgery.' The doctor wrote it down on the file.

'Do you have anything else to add that might be important?' They both shook their head. 'Okay. Well, I want to do an echo today. So... if you want to lie down on the table.' Sara stood up from the wheelchair and made her way over to the table, carefully held by Grissom. She sat on the edge and swung her legs up onto the table. She curled up her jumper and loosened her pants a bit, so that her belly was clearly visible. The doctor took the tube with the gel and put some of it on Sara's belly. She took the ultra-sound scanner, put it on the gel and spread it. She turned the screen on and moved the scanner over the gel. She looked at the screen and pointed to the black-and-white figure that appeared on the screen.

She pointed to the moving image. 'Look, you can see the heart there, it's beating. There are the legs, the head is there. It all seems healthy.' The doctor smiled at the expecting parents. 'If you want to, I can tell you the sex. Do you want to know?' Grissom looked at Sara and his expression asked her if she wanted to know it. Sara smiled at him and squeezed his hand. 'No, I don't want to know it. But if you do…' Grissom shook his head. 'No, honey, if you don't want to know it, I don't want to know either.'

Sara moved her free hand to the screen. 'It's so small… but still, almost perfect.' She turned to the doctor. 'Can you make a print for me, for us? I want to remember… this.' 'Yeah, I can do that. Just one moment.' She pushed a button on the keyboard and walked to the back of the room. A few minutes later, she came back with a small paper. 'Here it is... do you want me to write the date on it?' They both nodded and the doctor took a pen and wrote something on the back of the photograph. She gave it to Grissom.

'Do you want to listen to the heartbeat?' Without waiting for the answer, she took the tool and laid it on the small table next to the screen. She took a wiper and wiped away the gel on Sara's belly. She threw it away and placed the tool on Sara's belly. A couple of seconds later they heard a fast heartbeat. Grissom's head moved to Sara's, and kissed her on the cheek. Sara didn't seem surprised by this obviously unthought-of action. She smiled at him and her hand moved to his jaw. She moved his lips to hers and kissed, uncomfortable at the first. They stopped, let each other go and looked deeply in each others eyes.

Grissom brushed a string of hair off Sara's face and kissed her again. He closed his eyes and tasted the sweet taste of her lips. Her hands moved to his cheeks and held his face. After a while they opened their eyes and she moved her hands away from his face. They became aware of the presence of the doctor and turned their heads abruptly to her. She just smiled at them, 'Oh, don't feel embarrassed, I'm used to this.' Sara knew that it was true, but still, she felt her face turn red.

'So, everything is fine?' Grissom asked; concern filled his voice. 'As far as I could see, everything is okay. It's growing well, there were no visible diseases. I want to make an appointment for next week. You're still under medication, and you need to be checked regularly. So, is March 17 alright with you? At…' She checked her agenda and tipped with her pen on the paper. 'At 3:20?' Sara looked at Grissom and nodded. 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'

She covered her belly with her jumper and sat up straight. She stood up and Grissom helped her into the wheelchair. They shook hands with the doctor. 'Thank you very much.' The doctor smiled at them. 'It's my job, but you're welcome.' Grissom opened the door and wheeled her out.

* * *

When they arrived at the corridor, he stopped her and turned her wheelchair around. He felt uncomfortable to ask, but he had to. He didn't want to break the light feeling they had inside the room. 'Sara? We still need to talk about... about your past. Do you want to... to go to the cafeteria and have a cup of coffee?' Sara nodded, looking away from him. 'Yeah... we have to.' 'You're okay with that? You're not too tired?' Sara shook her head. 'No, it's fine.' He turned her back around and wheeled her to the central hall.

_And when it comes to lovin'  
__We'll give you all we've got  
__Beginning at the bottom  
__We're never gonna stop  
__Little one  
__You're a beautiful, wonderful miracle

* * *

_

**A/N:** I loved to write this chapter, and I hope you enjoyed it too. Please leave a review for me, I'll appreciate it. I hope I have time to write during my holidays, but I think I'll have :) 


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N:** Just something quick from me. I have been on holidays last week, but had access to a computer. I concentrated me on another story, but couldn't resist to write something here as well. This is the result! I need to say to you, I had been thinking about this before ND. Of course I have been inspired by it, but it's not completely _that_ story. Well... thanks to Snow, what would I have done without you(r work)? Thanks to all the readers and the reviewers, for being so kind to me. I love reading reviews, so please leave one :)

* * *

**Chapter 10**

They arrived at the cafeteria in the central hall of the hospital. The restaurant itself was small, at least for Las Vegas standards. The room was quiet, only two couples were sitting at the tables, and a group of the medical staff seemed to be having a break; they were laughing and drinking coffee. He moved a chair aside from a table-for-two and carefully pushed Sara into position at the table. He put the lock on the wheel, so that she wouldn't roll away.

He stood still. 'Do you want a cup of coffee?'

Sara shook her head. 'No coffee for me. I'm not in the mood for it, and… the hormones have changed what I like… I haven't drunken coffee since… well, since before I was pregnant, I don't like it anymore. Could you order tea for me?'

Grissom was surprised, Sara used to be a caffeine-junkie, she lived on it, but when he thought about it, he remembered that he _hadn't_ seen her drinking coffee for a very long time. _I should have noticed that she was pregnant, or at least that she was acting differently. What kind of boss am I, that I don't notice these things?_ He sighed, looked at her and smiled. 'Of course I will bring you tea.'

He walked over to the counter, and pushed the bell that was on the desk: the waitress was absent.

'Coming!', he heard from behind the curtains of the back of the room, and in a couple of seconds, a young woman appeared, Grissom saw that she was _really _young, almost still a minor. She wore a navy-blue shirt with the logo of the restaurant on it, and a white apron around her waist. A red cap covered her head, but her eyes were still visible. She smiled at him. 'What can I do for you?'

'I want to order a cup of coffee and a cup of tea.'

The waitress nodded and took two cups from the sink, one made from glass, the other made from clay. She poured coffee from the carafe into the mug, and placed the glass cup under the machine. Hot water filled the glass. She placed both cups on the tray, laid two spoons on the saucers, with two cookies. 'Do you want milk or sugar?' Grissom shook his head. 'No, thanks'

The waitress turned around, and grabbed something from the unit. She looked back at him and showed him a box full of teabags. She smiled at him. 'What flavour do you want?' Grissom wasn't sure which one to choose, so he turned to Sara.

'What flavour do you want?'

She shrugged her shoulders, as a sign that either she didn't know or didn't care. He thought that the first one was more likely. 'You may make that decision for me, I trust you.' The smile on her face seemed sincere, not teasingly or fake.

Unsatisfied, he looked at her. She smiled back at him, this time she _was_ teasing him. She knew that she had to decide herself. She looked up, like she thought she could find the answer in the air. When she looked back at him, she knew what she wanted. 'Do you have Darjeeling for me?'

Grissom looked in the box and found what he was looking for. He put the teabag on the tray and looked at the waitress. He paid for the two cups and walked back to Sara. He placed the cups on the table. 'Here you are, madam.' She smiled at his words, took the cup of tea and placed the teabag in the water. She waited until the water became darker, took the bag out of the tea and laid it on the saucer. She took a sip of the tea and nodded; she liked the tea.

Grissom wanted to move to the subject they had to talk about, but wanted to go to there in a less painful way. He looked at her deeply, without smiling. Her head moved down, she knew what was coming. She inhaled deeply and looked at him. He could see that she wanted to avoid the subject again, but he was not going to give up.

'I'm a good listener. You can tell me, I won't interrupt you. I have _time_, Sara... take as much as you need.'

She bit her lip. 'I don't know where to start… and I still think that it's not worth telling. They're both dead… they say that it's best to leave the dead, dead, right?'

'Sara… please...'

She laid her head in her hands, rubbed her forehead and finally looked back. 'Okay… I'll tell you… I… I can't remember a time when my parents were happy, but… if I looked at the photos, I could see… that they must have been… a long, long time before I was born.

I... The first time I remembered that they were... fighting, I was 3 years old. I don't remember it completely... but I still hear the screaming. My mum... protecting me, yelling at me to get upstairs. I did what she said and I... remember how frightened I was, sitting in my room, holding my toy to my mouth, waiting 'till the screams ended. When I went downstairs, they acted like nothing happened.

I... got used to the screams late at night, I just put my pillow on my head and tried to fall asleep again. I got used my mom's tears... when I got older, I didn't see or hear it anymore. I just thought that it was normal, I used to live with it. Things got worse as I grew older and he started to drink more. When my dad had drunken too much he used... well, he had control when he was sober. When he was drunk, he was just blind, nothing could stop him. Even the smallest things, like gestures, or words would make him so mad... he was beginning to get very violent...

Usually, my mum just added an extra band-aid... wore more make-up. She put a smile on her face, and everything was fine again. But when... I think I was six... the wound on her head... it wouldn't heal... it wouldn't stop bleeding. My dad... he left, my brother... was smoking, or drinking, at least he was not there. It was just me and my mum, so I freaked out, tried everything, but I couldn't make it stop... That was the fist time I called the ambulance... and the first time I lied to the doctors. They... asked me what happened, and I couldn't stop the sound of my fathers words in my head. He had told me never to talk about what happened at home, if I did... he would leave mommy, and I didn't want my parents to be apart.'

A deep frown appeared in her forehead. Her fingers touched her eyes, it was almost like she wanted to wipe away the tears that were not there. She stared off in the distance, shivered and looked at Grissom. When she saw the look in his eyes, full of pity and disbelieve, her attitude changed. She shook her head and it seemed almost that she was going to scream. She breathed in and calmed down, her eyes closed.

'What could I have done? I was six, only six years old. I just didn't want my parents to be apart... I know, it was bad, I shouldn't have lied, but... what could I have done? They would have questioned my dad, he would have denied... and he would leave my mom, I was convinced about that...I know... it would have been the best for both... but, I needed my dad... and my mom. What could I have done?'

She looked at him, her eyes were red with tears. Grissom grasped her hand over the table. 'Hey... it's not your fault. Never blame yourself for what happened, Sara. Never blame yourself, you couldn't have done anything.'

Sara swallowed and looked away from him. She bit her lip, 'I know... but, I... there must be someone to blame... I know that I was wrong... I know that I don't have to blame myself...' She whispered. 'I... continue... okay?' Grissom nodded and she coughed softly.

'I said that she had hit the door with her head when she had fallen off the stairs... My mom was in her bed for a week... she had a concussion. My dad worked... very hard, at our restaurant, my brother was away, he was always away when my dad had beaten my mom. He was with friends. And I had to do all the housecleaning, my dad told the school that I was ill, it was the first time he did it. I vacuumed, cooked, took care of my mom, did everything my mom would do... I was six, for God's sake! That week, my dad took me aside and talked to me. He told me that everything that had happened was my fault, that they were happy before I was born, everything was my doing. I drew all the attention to myself, that's what he told me, he was so mad... If I wanted my dad not to leave the house... I had to shut up about everything, all the things had to stay in this house.

I remember the look in his eyes... it was so full of anger, and I was so afraid. I just nodded, said that I wanted to do anything he wanted. I wanted to talk to my mom, but couldn't... From the outside... we all seemed a perfect family. But I knew better. The world kept on turning... until that day. When I came home... on 11 february... I was nine... I remember that day like it was yesterday. My mom was standing there, in the middle of the room. Blood all over her clothes, her eyes wide open. She wouldn't say anything to me, she didn't even look at me, she didn't see me, or she pretended not to. I asked her what was wrong, she told me nothing. I was afraid, I cried, ran away and stumbled over my father's feet. I looked at his face, laid my hand on his chest... he was dead, his whole shirt was covered in blood, eyes wide opened, staring at nothing. I turned to my mom, sat next to her, held her tight. She still didn't respond...

The police came, hours later. They... serpartated me from my mom... and I couldn't say anything to change it. They took me to the hospital... checked me up, then it all became dark. The days I spent there... I don't know anything about it anymore. I wasn't allowed to see my mom... she was in prison, I was... crying for her the first few days. I went to a foster home... and that was the best thing that happened to me.

My mom... she... died in prison... three months after she stabbed my dad. I didn't go to her funeral... the shrinks said that I was not ready... The last time I saw her was that day. I didn't have the chance to say goodbye... My fosterparents... Kerry and Rowan... they were the first people I felt... safe with... they didn't push me, they just waited until I was ready to do things... And my sister, fostersister, Jena... she's 6 years younger than me. She is like the sister I never had. For the first time, I had someone who really trusted me. When I was.. crying, she came to me, and comforted me... she was the first person who cared about me, without consequenses... without wanting something back.'

She looked at him, and he looked back to her. She smiled at him. 'That's my lovely past...' She tried to sound like it didn't mean anything to her, but he saw that it did. He knew that she was not done yet, but she would never say that herself. 'And... justice?'

'Justice... I lost my mom, my dad, even my brother. I lost everything... and for what? Just because my mom couldn't take being hurt anymore. Just because my dad couldn't keep his fists off my mom. He never hurt me, if that's what you want to know. And you ask me about justice. Me. Justice would have been that I was born in another place, or another time. I think it was wrong what my mom did.. but I can understand it. It was self-defence... she couldn't leave him, she needed him, she was too afraid to lose us.'

'And your brother?'

'Died in some gang-fight... when I was ten.'

A deep silence fell between them. She dried her tears with her arm and looked up into his eyes, he had cried too. 'Gris... I'm just afraid... that I will make the same mistake as them... that, no, I'm not afraid that you will hurt me, but... I haven't known love in the first years of my life... I... want to give love to this little one, but I don't know I can... I just... want you to understand me...'

'Of course I understand you... and I'll try... not to hurt you... in any way. I'm... glad you told me.'

Sara nodded. 'Yeah... I'm... thankful myself... now you.. know.' She closed her eyes for while. 'May I... hold you? Kiss you? I... need to... well, nevermind...'

She looked away from his glance, but he didn't gave up. 'Sara... of course I will...' He put his chair close to her wheelchair and placed his arms around her. 'Is this okay?', he whispered in her ear. She didn't say anything, but the silence told him that this was more than okay. After a long time, Sara was the first one to say something. 'Gris?'

'Hm?'

She waited until his arms let her go and looked at him. 'I... well, the doctors told me that I could go home in... a couple of days. I'm still under medication, but don't have the IV's anymore... just pills, and if everything's okay and I find someone to care for me... I am allowed to go home in two days or so... so I was wondering... could you drive me home and take care of my... laundry and, well... check me up so now and then?'

'Sara... you still need to ask that? Of course I'll be there... but I don't think it's a good idea that you're home alone. I'll be there with you... at least for the first week... I hope that's okay with you.'

She looked up, it was clear that she was surprised by his words. 'You're serious? I... can take care of myself... you don't need to-'

He cut off her words. 'Sara, you can't. You're fourteen weeks pregnant, you can barely stand on your feet, I don't want to talk about walking. You had a serious trauma, you have almost died. Do you really think that I would let you go home alone?' She looked down. 'Sorry.. I think you're right... I can't make it on my own, and if you want to do that, it's okay...' She smiled when she noticed his reaction, he had not expected her to agree, at least not without a fight. 'I know that I can be stubborn, but that doesn't mean that... well, I really think that I can't make it on my own... you're right about that.'

He moved his thumb to her lips, and touched them. It wasn't his intention to start kissing her, but when she started to kiss him, he didn't try to stop it. She looked up in his eyes, when he looked back he saw the fire; her dark pupils almost burnt him. She didn't have to say anything to make him long for a more intimate moment. He bent his head to hers and kissed her lips, or tried to: she just looked the wrong way and his lips ended up at her nose. Both of them started to laugh, this clumsy moment erased the tension between them, but just for a short time. His head moved to her ear, and he whispered some words in it. Sara moved her lips to his lips, but stopped when her head was only a few millimetres away from his. 'You may finish...' She moved forward, tilted her face to the side and took his head with her hands. They started to kiss, fast at the first, but when they realised that both of them _wanted_ this it became passionate and intense. When they stopped, they looked at each other, and for the first time in a long while, neither one of them felt insecure or uncomfortable. She smiled at him. 'Thank you.'

* * *


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N:** I have been quite busy last week, and next week I have a lot of exams, so I hope I'll be able to update... beside that, Snow is gone, so I have to wait until sunday. I'm very sorry. But I'll continue writing, anyway. The character of Jena is completely mine. Thanks for your reviews, it's always nice to read what you think about it. **Please leave a review!** Thanks to Snow, for reading through the mistakes and the crypted thoughts.

* * *

**Chapter 11**They wheeled together through the corridors of Desert Palm Hospital, until they arrived at the department where Sara was staying. Suddenly, her attitude changed; she knew that he had to bring her back to her room, and couldn't stay there. _This would be our good-bye... at least for now_. The thought made her a bit sad, but she knew that it was best for both of them. A bit distance would be good; to put the thoughts she had in order. She turned around to see his face. He was focussed, but he smiled at her when he saw that she was looking a him. 

"Can you stop here, please? I would like to walk from here."

The wheelchair stopped. Grissom walked towards her and helped her step out of the wheelchair. When he let her hands go, she tottered, but managed to stay at her feet without any help. He looked at her with concern marking his features, "You okay?"

Sara nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine..."

She started to shuffle to her room. His hand was on her shoulder to support her a bit. He knew that if she had set her mind to something, she wouldn't quit. He was thankful that she would let him walk by her side. He opened the door for her; she walked through the doorway to the bed and settled herself on the edge of it.

"I want to thank you for... today. I know that I'm... not the easiest person, and today has been quite heavy for me... but... I'm glad you know everything now... and I want to thank you for being... being there for me. It's important that you... understand me... at least for me it is... and I think... hope... that this would give us a... base. I... I'm sorry if I... overreacted... when you told me about... my rape... I want to thank for the trouble you went to, to... get the guy. And... thanks for listening to me..."

A small smile appeared on her face when she said it, and he smiled back to her. "Sara... don't worry about that. You certainly didn't overreact; you were just... affected personally. I understand it, and I'm glad that I know your past now... If you need me, I'll be there for you, anytime."

He took a seat next to her and looked at her face. "Are your foster parents still... alive?"

Sara nodded. "Yeah... they are. I... still need to call them... tell them that I'm in the hospital, they don't know it... And Jena... I call her every week, if not more. We're very close... She doesn't know either..."

"Maybe you should call them..."

Sara nodded. "Yeah, that might be a good idea... well... I... I think that you should go, I mean, not that I want you to go, but... well, the doctors told me that I should get some rest, and... actually I'm quite tired myself... and beside that... you and I need to think of us... I mean..." She looked at him, insecurity filled her glance.

He smiled at her. "Honey, if you want me to go, I'll just go. I think it's a good idea myself... to give each other some space, at least for now. I... won't come tonight, okay? But... you know... if you want me to come, you can always call me."

Sara smiled at him, relieved that he had taken it well. "Thank you, again..." He stood up, and moved closer to her. He kissed her on her forehead, and walked out of the room.

Sara was woken up by a fast knock on the door. She opened her eyes, tried to say something, but the door was opened before she could open her mouth. A woman walked in the room, she looked somewhat confused at the first, but when she noticed Sara, her eyes widened and she breathed in.

"Sara! Do you know how worried I was? I haven't gotten a call from you in... three weeks! I called your home phone, your cell phone, and no answer. Just that stupid answering machine! I left... about... twenty messages. Mom and dad didn't know what was going on, so I called the crime lab. They told me that you were in the hospital, recovering from some serious trauma... Do you know how much I freaked out? I took the first plane to Vegas, rushed to the hospital... Never ever! Do this to me again! You could have called me - no you _should_ have called me... God... I was so worried about you..."

She brushed a string of curly, red hair out of her face, and walked to the bedside. "I'm so glad that you're okay... have I woken you up?"

Sara smiled at her, and gestured to give her a hug. Jena moved forward and hugged her carefully. She kissed Sara on her cheek.

"Jena... I'm so glad to see you... I'm so sorry that I haven't called you before, I'm really sorry, I didn't think about it. And yes... you have woken me up, but there are worse people to be woken up by..."

Jena grabbed a chair and sat down next to the bed. "I've walked through the line of doctors who wanted to stop me, it's not visiting hours, but I told them that I was your sister and I wanted to see you... well... in fact that is true. What the hell happened to you?"

"Long story... well... I was at a crime scene to collect evidence; I was still in my car when suddenly... some guy appeared. He... didn't say anything; he just... showed his gun. He yelled something at me... I don't remember it anymore, it's completely black from that moment... it seemed that he shot me through my chest. The bullet hit my lung, it was actually looking bad for me... but I'm going to be fine, really. I can go back home in two days, well... if someone is taking care of me."

Jena seemed very sincere when she looked back at Sara. "Oh... that's terrible. I mean... it's good that you're recovering very well, but... this shouldn't have happened to you. Did they get the guy?"

Sara shook her head, without saying anything. "Oh, Sara... I... don't know what to say."

She hugged Sara again, this time more firmly. "Jena, I'm okay... I... well, it's over and I have to leave it behind me. I shouldn't look back anymore, only move forward."

Jena slowly shook her head. "No, Sara, that's not true. You need to accept your past and move on, but you need to be able to look back without feeling ashamed or getting stuck in the old pain. Weren't you the one that said... 'the past leaves its impression on the present? That you're shaped by the things that have happened to you'?"

Jena laid her hand on Sara's shoulder. "You find it hard, don't you?"

Sara nodded, but remained silent. Jena's smile disappeared; she swallowed, and knew that she needed to say something. Finally seemed to have found the words she was looking for. "And... you were pregnant... how is it... going?"

Sara smiled at the woman she called her little sister, even though they had no genes in common. "It's going well, I'm at 14 weeks now..."

"Does the father know it? He's your boss, right? Are you..."

When she saw that Sara flushed, she started to laugh. "You're together? How? Since when? Tell me all about it... do you have pictures of you two together? Sara... please tell me all about it!"

Sara bit her lip. "It's none of your business!"

"Oh, come on... if my sis is pregnant by someone, I want to know him, and if my sister has a boyfriend, I want to know him too. So... you have to tell me... It's the one you... you are in love with for so many years, right?"

Sara looked down as she felt that her cheeks were really glowing at that moment. "Yeah... it's him. We're... well... when we made love... oh, this sounds so stupid, to talk about my... sex life... with my sister. But I will continue, just for you. When we made... love... we were on... some appointment... we were away at a... conference, together - alone... and we finally had the chance to talk... on the last day... we had a dinner together... and I finally had the chance to tell him everything... The tension was just too much to deny and... we had a couple of drinks and... ended up in the same bed together... well, when I woke up, he was gone and... we never talked about it again, it was just too embarrassing to say, and beside that, we didn't want anyone to know what we did... I mean, he was gone when I woke up, I thought a couple of times that it was some dream, some crazy hangover-hallucination, but when I noticed that I was pregnant, I realized that it was not just a dream... I... didn't want him to know, but... eventually he would find out and he knows it now. And he's okay with it; he wants to raise this little one with me, at least that's what I think. He... today... he was so sweet, he... we kissed. I think we have a chance, at least I hope so."

"As I hear it... you definitely have a chance... I... when can I meet him?"

Sara sighed. "Jena, you're just a teaser... meet him... you have to wait, he won't come tonight... "

Jena looked at her, very surprised. "He won't come? Why not?"

"I told him to... think about us... he has... given me hope so many times, and let me down the next time we saw each other, so... I wanted him to be sure that this is what he wants."

Jena nodded. "Okay, that's a reason... still... I want to meet him."

Sara smiled at the six-year younger woman. "Patience..."

Jena looked at her watch. "Oh, I could use some food; I haven't eaten in... five hours... when does dinner come here?"

"What time is it?"

"It's six-thirty..."

"Oh, dinner should be there in... well... now, but I don't think they have something for you, but... I can share, or ask an extra meal... Do you have a place to stay?"

Jena shook her head. "I don't think so... well, I can check into some hotel..."

"The boys would come today... they promised me, so... maybe you can stay with one of them?"

Jena smiled at Sara. "That would be nice... Have you called mom and dad already?"

Sara shook her head. "No, I haven't... I still need to. I can do it right now..."

Jena covered her mouth with one of her hands. "Oh... I'm so sorry, I just realized... I haven't bought you a hospital-present! I'm going to buy one, right now... I'll be right back!" She hurried out of the room, leaving Sara with a raised eyebrow. She shrugged and laid herself back in the comfortable position. She closed her eyes and tried to sleep, at lease for a little while.

* * *

**Please leave a review!**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N:**Took me longer to update, I'm really sorry. Ehm... the usual part (done it multiple times... still not bored of doing it, hoping that it will be different anytime)**  
Thanks so much for your reviews!** I can be really unsure from time to time, and getting such nice feedback gives me the courage to go on (what I really need is a boost of confidence from time to time, and... you give it to me, that's so nice :)) **Ms. Snow!** I'm so glad you're back, I really missed you last week. Thanks for doing the beta-part! This chapter, however, is a bit longer than the usual chapter by me, don't think you mind... **Please leave a review...

* * *

Chapter 12**

"This is the room, right?"

Greg looked at the two other men. Warrick pointed at the paper at the side of the door. "Well... if Sara is still called Ms. Sidle, than this is her room."

Greg raised an eyebrow. "I'm sorry Warrick... I just didn't notice it."

Warrick shrugged and knocked on the door.

"Come in!" Nick looked from Warrick to Greg. "Was that Sara's voice?" Before they could answer, Greg had already opened the door.

Sara and... another woman, with frizzy red hair and glasses were sitting on Sara's bed together. They were having dinner together, but it seemed that they had just finished. Both women looked over to the door and smiled at the threesome.

"Hey guys, glad that you could come."

They stayed in the doorway, a bit hesitant. Nick looked at Warrick. "It seemed we didn't have to come, she has company already..." All of them looked at Jena. She jumped off the bed and walked over to them. "Hi... I'm Jena."

Jena turned around to see Sara. "These guys are Warrick, Greg and Nick. They're friends of mine, from the crime lab."

"And may I ask who this pretty lady is?"

Jena flushed, "I'm Sara's sister."

Nick looked from Jena to Sara and back to Jena. "But... you don't look like her, not at all..." He turned to Sara. "I didn't know you had a sister..."

Jena and Sara shared a private look. "She's my foster sister."

When she saw the stunned expression on all of the three men, she added: "Yes, I have been in a foster home and no, I don't want to talk about it." She pointed at the chairs. "You can take one... it may be a bit more comfortable than to stay there..."

Jena walked back to Sara's bed and sat on the foot of the bed, legs curled up so that she was not interfering Sara's position. The men grabbed a chair and made the circle full.

"So... how are you? I see that you're feeling better..."

Sara nodded, and smiled at the men. "Yeah, I _am_ feeling better... if it remains that way, I can go home in two days, still under medication and unable to work, but it's better than spending my day here." She smiled sourly at them.

"And... are you going to your own apartment... alone?" Warrick asked, it was still a question, but with a worrying undertone. Sara definitely was a person who thought she could make it herself, even if she couldn't, and going home alone after all what happened was not a smart move. He knew she had to stay with someone.

Sara shook her head. "No... I already have company, if you were going to offer, thanks but no..."

Warrick looked from Nick to Greg and back to Sara.

"And may I ask with who you are staying then?" Greg looked at Jena, but she shook her head, amused at the way the conversation was going. She knew perfectly well what was going on, but she wouldn't help her sister get out of the embarrassing situation, she had to tell them this on her own. "No... not with me."

Sara looked down, unable to look at the faces of her friends. "I... eh... I'm staying... ehm, with... with Grissom..." She smiled when she said the words, relieved that they now knew. Still, she was afraid of their reaction.

"Ah... we see... well, you're in good company then... with the father of your baby."

Sara's glance immediately turned to Greg, filled with disbelieve. "How...?"

He shrugged. "News travels fast... but don't worry, it's only Nick, Warrick, Cath and me who know..."

"I... I can't believe you... who... who told you?"

"Well... we... that means Catherine and me, were in the hospital, to investigate your case... you were unconscious, I don't think you remember it, but I scraped your nails. Grissom was not allowed to go in your room, he stood for the window and well... we heard the news from Grissom himself. So, no speculations, no gossip around the lab, but I felt that I had to tell Rick and Greg... I mean... they would have found out themselves..."

"And thank you very much... seems that everyone knows everything about me, even more than I do." An angry frown had appeared in her forehead, she didn't like this situation. "Maybe I wanted to tell them this myself..." The words weren't meant for anyone in particular, she just muttered them.

Nick watched her for a moment, hoping that she would remain calm, but the look in her eyes told him that his hoping was in vain. He knew that he had to defend himself, but especially Grissom. "Sara, he didn't mean to hurt you with what he told us. Your situation was really unsure, and he had no-one to talk to, he couldn't go to you, couldn't talk to you, don't get me wrong, but the doctors almost had aborted the baby. He had to make the decision on his own, and he was having a very hard time. Please don't be mad at him, he had no bad intentions; he just needed to clear his mind. If you're bitter because of what I have told Greg and Warrick, that's fine, and I apologise because of that, I agree that the two of you should have told them the news, but please understand that I told them because I couldn't deny the truth, I had to tell them."

Sara's stubborn expression did fade a little, but still was present on her face. Anger filled her eyes now. "So you probably all know that I'm 14 weeks pregnant, that we made love at that conference, yes, my boss and I made love at a work-conference, but no, we were not on the clock, it was completely legal. You definitely know that we both thought that it was a mistake, how on earth can you think that it is not? I was drunk, yes, you heard it correctly, drunk, when I got pregnant, you all will think that this is just my routine, my way of living, you probably would think that I'm some stupid alcoholic whose drunkenness is the cause of all her stupid mistakes... Yes, Sara, drinking is bad for you, and can cause brain-damage to the baby, Sara, how stupid could you have been? Come on, say it to my face, and tell me the truth, because we all know that it is true."

"Sara... please, this is not what we thought and you know-"

"What else should I know? What else do you know about my life that I'm not aware of?" The tone of her voice was bitter.

Jena moved closer to her, and made Sara look at her. "Hey... calm down... calm down Sara." Sara almost burnt her with the fierceness in her eyes, but looked down shortly after it; she couldn't look back to the woman who looked at her intensely. Jena caressed her hair. "Are you finished?" Sara still looked away, but nodded slowly. She turned her head to the three men, who were looking anxiously at her; they hadn't expected a burst of anger like this from her. "Sorry guys... I shouldn't have reacted like this... it's just... it's..."

"Don't worry Sara; we're sorry too... well... I think we're just all deadly curious about you two..." It was hard for Greg to hide his excitement, though he had mixed feelings as well. He had always had a crush on Sara, though he knew that she didn't like him that way. Still, he felt somewhat jealous at Grissom.

Sara glared at him, but then started to laugh. "No, I'm not going to give you details, you know Greg? You need to learn when to keep your mouth shut, and this is one of those moments."

Greg put on a pout, but smiled again very quickly. "I won't force you to tell, I was just saying that I... would like to know how it's going between you two."

Sara raised an eyebrow. "Let's just say... we both need some time to think about _us_." She felt that herself flushing, but managed to keep looking at Greg's face. "And I think that's enough for now..."

Jena felt she had to save the day of Sara, she needed to change subject. "So... I need a place to stay, I hadn't planned this trip, I just... took the first plane to Vegas, rushed to the hospital, and now I'm sitting here without a place to stay. So... is one of you willing to take me in your home, for a few days? I... I'm not going to be a burden for you, I'll be quiet."

The three men looked at each other, Nick spoke up first. "You can stay at my place, my pleasure, and you can stay as long as you want - no problem." They shared a look, and shortly after it a small smile. "Okay... I'll go with you... Nick?"

Nick nodded. "Yeah, Nick Stokes... It's Jena?"

"Jena Bonnar."

Warrick looked at Sara and noticed how exhausted she looked. Even though she tried to hide her tiredness and tried to act like she wasn't, it was clear to him that she _was_ really tired and wanted to sleep. "Sara? I think we're going to work, is that okay with you?"

Sara nodded. "Yeah, that's okay, I'm really tired actually and I could use some sleep. Can I talk to Jena for a second? Alone, I mean..."

"Yeah, sure..." The CSI's stood up and walked out of the room. Jena stayed at Sara's bedside. Sara smiled at the redhead. "I'm glad you have come, I'm sorry you had to find out this way, but now you're here, I... I really appreciate it."

Jena smiled back at Sara. "You're very welcome, but wouldn't you have done the same?"

Sara nodded. "Yeah, of course. Jena... can you give me my nightdress? I don't have the power to walk to the chair and walk back to the bed..." Jena already had grabbed the nightdress and gave it to Sara. She saw that Sara was trying to undress from her jumper, but had no energy left: it seemed to be stuck to her. Jena quickly moved forward and helped Sara take off her jumper. In one fluent movement, she took the nightdress and helped Sara get it on. "That's a deep scar on your skin..."

Sara looked at Jena. "Yeah, I know. I can forget my model career now..."

Jena rolled her eyes. "I didn't mention it because of that... you can act like you don't give a damn, but I know that you do. You don't have to act like you're a big girl with me, I know you..."

Sara grabbed Jena's hand as she started to walk out of the room. Jena stopped and turned to Sara. "Jena... thanks for coming, for telling me the truth when I need it..."

Jena shrugged. "It's not a big deal... but you're welcome." She walked out of the room. When she arrived in the hallway, she immediately walked towards the crowd. "My bag is in a locker downstairs."

"That's fine, let's get that first then."

They mad their way to the hallway and picked up the bag. "Do you want to see the crime lab first, or do want to get some sleep? It doesn't matter to me what you choose."

"I'm a bit jet-lagged, but I'd love to see in what kind of environment Sara is working so... please show me the lab."

* * *

They arrived at the crime lab and walked towards the desk: Jena couldn't come in without a visitors-pass, so she received one. The guys escorted her to the break room, where Greg poured a cup of coffee for everyone. He served Jena's with a smile. "This is my special coffee, its Blue Hawaiian, hope you'll like it."

"Do you want milk or sugar?"

"No, thanks, I drink it black. Just plain coffee for me." She took a sip of it. "Hmm... this coffee is good. Never tasted anything like this..."

Greg glowed at her words. Nick gave him an irritated glare and Greg's smile faded away. When they had finished their coffee, Nick stood up and took Jena's hand. "Do you want me to give you a tour through the lab?"

Jena nodded. "Yeah, it would be nice if you did."

They walked to the locker room together. "This is the locker room, it's not interesting, really, but well... as the name says, and we have our... lockers here." Nick felt that he completely messed up with this. _Of course she has seen that there are lockers here, and she knows what people use them for... why am I acting like a seventh-grader? _He swallowed and smiled at her. "If you want to take off your coat, I can put it in my locker for you..."

Jena shook her head. "No, thanks, I'll keep mine on. What locker is Sara's?"

Nick walked towards one and knocked on the metal. "This one."

Jena turned around to the corridor. Nick got the hint she gave him. Together, they walked to Grissom's office, where they found Catherine, turning through some papers. Nick still wasn't used to find Catherine there now, she was his supervisor for more than two weeks now, he was used to that, but he still found it strange to see her sitting in his office. The plate where Grissom's name used to sit had changed, it now contained her name on it. "Hey, Cath..."

Catherine looked up. "Hey Nick..." She looked at her watch. "You're here early."

Nick nodded. "Yeah, I was just showing Jena the building... I have to bring her home soon, but she wanted to see Sara's work environment."

Catherine raised an eyebrow. She looked to Jena. "Hi... I'm Catherine Willows, supervisor of the nightshift... You're related to Sara?"

"Yeah, I'm Sara's sister. I heard that she was in the hospital, so I figured that she needed me, and I came to Vegas. I'm staying with Nick, and he's showing me the crime lab..."

Catherine shared a look with Nick, but his facial expression didn't give her much. She suspected that Nick had more intentions with his action than doing Sara and her sister a favour, but she couldn't prove it. "That's okay Nick, you can bring her home, but... I want you to be back at 10, when your shift starts. Well, if Jena wants to stay here through the night, that's okay as well. If you will excuse me, I have a lot of paperwork to do..." She rolled her eyes and muttered: "I had no idea that this was so boring when I said yes to the job..."

Nick laughed at her. "Good luck with it... I understand that I don't have to be jealous?"

"Maybe at my pay check, but no... this is nothing to be jealous of. Jeez, it's a lot more than I expected..." She couldn't hide a smile. Jena nodded politely and both of them walked out of the office. Nick made Jena stop. "What else do you want to see? I mean... I can show you the whole lab, but if you're not interested, I-"

"I _am_ interested, Nick... show me whatever you want, but... if when you're finished... this might sound so weird... don't get me wrong, but... can you drop me at Grissoom's place?"

Nick looked at her, this request _was_ weird. _But if this is what she wants... why not?_ "Ehm... yeah, sure. I can drop you now, if you want, then we'll finish this tour later..." Jena smiled at him. "That would be a good idea... I mean, I think he'll be up now, well... I am afraid that if you'll drop me later, he'll be asleep and... well... thanks, let's go then..." Nick shook his head when Jena didn't look at him and they walked to the exit of the crime lab.

* * *

Jena stepped in his car and he drove to Grissom's townhouse. When they arrived there, Jena moved forward to him. "Have I thanked you already? I mean you're so kind letting me stay with you..."

"You have, and I already told you that it's no big deal, I... well, I don't mind your company - you're a very nice woman..."

Jena smiled at him. "Thank you very much..."

"Oh, don't thank me for telling you what you are... How long have you known Sara? I mean... she-"

"I've known Sara since I was 3, and I don't think that she'll want me to tell you about her past, I think she'll tell you when she's ready. I don't mean to be rude, but I know Sara, and she just wouldn't like it when I told you about... her time before she came in my family. Okay?"

Nick nodded. "Yeah, sorry, you're right. So... where do you come from? You're not from this coast, are you?"

"My parents were from a small village in England, but I was born in the US, my entire youth was spent near San Francisco, but when I finished high school, I moved to New York City. I still live there. I have to confess that I don't have an accent from Frisco... You're not from here either, are you?"

Nick smiled, he was used to this comments. "No, I'm from Texas, but I have lived here for some time now. What reason brought you to New York?"

"I wanted to see something else other than California, and I had been to New York with a friend, I was just fascinated at the city. I wanted to study there, I have studied English Literature, but I still haven't finished it, for some reason. I work in a bookstore now, I don't feel the need to finish it at this moment, I'm fine with my job, and don't need it now, but I know that I can always come back to finish my study."

She looked outside the window and opened the door. Nick walked her to the front door and pushed the doorbell. After some time, the door opened and Grissom appeared. He looked very confused at Jena, and then his eyes moved to Nick. Nick shrugged. "She wanted to see you... for some reason."

Jena moved forward and gestured to shake hands. "Hi, I'm Jena... can I come in?" Grissom nodded, still perplexed by this situation. He closed the door and left Nick at the doorway.

* * *

**Please leave a review !**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N:** How long was it ago that I updated? Week? Well, here it is, a brand new chapter. Thanks to anyone, and I repeat _anyone_ who reviewed and told me to continue. Oh, about the jumper-thing... it was stupid from me, Snow had told me and even marked it pink, and I didn't change it. Fromnow on, I'll try to save it in my memory, okay? Thanks to **Snow**! You know why...

This chapter is dedicated to: My left shoe (don't ask), my sister and **Kristy87**. Go and read her fic!

* * *

Grissom closed the door and stared at Jena with a very confused look. _Who was this woman? And why did she wanted to see me? Nick dropped her, she probably knows him, but why does she want to see me?_ He scanned her, the curly red hair, the glasses she wore, the darkblue jeans, the purple coat. _Have I met her before? _He tried to remember any woman he had met in his life, but couldn't remember _her_, she was just a complete stranger to him. She smiled at him. _She obviously knows me...but how? How can somebody know me, without that I know her? _He realized that he was staring at her, and turned his eyes away. He shook his head and walked over to her. "Can I take your coat?"

Jena nodded. "Yeah, if you want to do that..."

He took her coat and hung it on the rack. He confusingly looked at her.

"Who _are_ you?"

"I'm Jena Bonnar..."

_Jena... Jena... he had heard that name today. _Thoughts flooded through his mind, but he didn't receive the bright light. She noticed that he became more and more confused and smiled at him. She was playing a game with him, she knew that, and she had him. _Am I going to make him confused at little more?_ She decided to tell him who she was, it would be fair.

"I'm Sara's fostersister, just in case you didn't remember my name."

"Oh... ehm, why don't you come in?"

Jena nodded and walked over to the living room. She found her way to the couch and settled down. "Can you come here? I want to make something clear to you."

He did what she requested and sat on the chair on the other side of the room.

"I want you to know, that... if you mistreat Sara in any way, make her feel vurnerable, hurt her, or do anything else to her that is not appropriate... I will find you and you'll meet angry me. And let's make clear to you, I'm not nice when I'm angry, you don't want to meet me then."

Grissom was completely blanked by this burst. Jena looked strangely strickt, she was not smiling at him. It was almost like she was ordering this to him. "I won't do anything like that to Sara... I love her."

Jena still didn't smile. "You know? Sara has always said that she loved you too, but something... I just want to make sure that my sister wouldn't be hurt, because if you do, if you dare to do that, I'll do anything to-"

"Jena, I'll never do anything like that to Sara. I know, she probably has told you that I've been a real ass towards her, and I confess that I _have_ been, but... you should give me a chance. Please..."

Jena smiled a little. "That's what I needed to hear. I mean... I won't say that you _would_ hurt her, no, but I just want you to know that _if_ you do, you have to deal with _me_."

Grissom nodded, still somewhat confused by this unexpected situation. "Yeah... okay..."

He shook his head and his thoughts flooded back to what Jena told him. "You said that she loved me? Always loved me?"

Jena shook her head and tried to hide her smile. "Yeah, she did, and she still does... I mean... when she met you... She's... attracted to you... but she has told me that she had her doubts, she's just so unsure about herself and... I always told her to be brave enough to tell you, but she always refused. But indeed, her mind is with you since the day she met you... I... am interested in _your _part of the story. I mean... I've only heard this from Sara herself, and never had the chance to meet you, that's one of the reasons I came to you. I wanted to meet the man she was always talking about. So... tell me... your side of the story. When did you finally realize how much she meant to you?"

Grissom knew he couldn't be reserved to Jena, he couldn't keep this private, because she would find a way to make him talk. Though he tried it. "Ehm... Jena, I guess that I can't tell you anything... private issues, okay?"

She shook her head with a cruel smile. "Private... you can tell me... you have to tell me... I'm her sister, remember?"

He sighed and continued "I... I met her on Harvard University... I was there... for a seminar. I was the guest-professor, I gave lecture in entomology. I had introduced myself, had told the students that, if they had questions, they could come to me, that I would answer all their questions. Sara was the only one who came to me. She... she was so bright, she was only 19 years old, but she made comments... I haven't heard them from people twice her age. Her smile was so warm... I immediately noticed that she was special.

Outside college, I invited her to come by, at my place. It was no professor-student related, but just as friends. Let's just say that the appointment ended different than I thought it would. She... told me something, and... needed to stay at my place for a few days..." He noticed that Jena looked fascinatedly at him, but he couldn't tell her about what happened on that night. He couldn't tell her that Sara told him that she had been raped, it would be inappropriate. Luckliy, Jena didn't asked questions about that period.

"I had to leave Harvard, I could only stay for so long. Our good-bye... I never had felt so sad by any farewell in my life. In the plane to Vegas, I realized that I had opened myself to her, and that thought froze me... I had never been a person who... who was an open book. No-one actually knew me..."

Jena remained silent for some time. She seemed thinking what she sould say. She smiled at him, knowing that it wouldn't be a good idea to tease him, or make some funny joke. "You... went further than just friends, didn't you?"

Grissom blinked twice, then slowly nodded. "Yeah... on the last night... my last night there, I was no longer a professor... she had dinner with me. Things... changed. We... we made love that night. I realized far too late what we had done... I was 15 years older. She was only nineteen, a nineteen year-old girl having something with a 34 year old guy... that's... not normal. We both knew that it could never be... at least not then, I was her superior, beside for the gossip that would be anywhere, I didn't feel right about it. Still, I wanted to be with her, wanted _her_, but we had to say goodbye. And we both knew that it would be hard to say farewell, I knew that it would be impossible for me. The last minutes... she kissed me and... and I felt something I had never felt before. It was... safety, warmness, tenderness. I didn't care anymore what they would say about us. For one moment, I felt like we _could_ be together, but on the plane home, I realized that this was just a foolish dream. We had shared phone-numbers... we stayed connected, called every now and then. The phonecalls were nice, but I had never seen her since that day... not for five years.

She moved to San Fransisco, she was close to me. I visited her... it was nice, but strange. We knew that we had left each other that day, we had never discussed it again, I feel so stupid about it now. We should have talked it over, I... maybe she would have told me that we weren't meant for each other, maybe she had told me that she had someone else, but... if we had told each other the truth, we wouldn't have been in this situation. I... in San Fransisco... I knew that I couldn't be with her... I was 15 years older, how on Earth could a girl like her be attracted to me, fall in love with me? I had no social life, no friends, I was a complete awkward person and I felt like I would stay alone for the rest of my life.

The visit was... nice... but she was distant. She had built a wall around herself, she was not the open person who she was back then. I guess... we both had changed, but we still stayed in touch. I didn't see her for a long time but... back in 2000, an employee was killed and we were shorthanded, I thought of her, immediately. I asked her to come by, to work for me, and for some reason, she did. I... tried to open myself for her... and I did. I just found it hard... I never let anyone in my life. And now... I think we're... having something. I don't know if it's going to work out, but... I don't want to loose her again. I don't think I can loose her, I realized that too often. The day she wanted to quit her job, the day the lab blew up... the day she drove when she was under influence... the day I was called to the hospital, because she had been shot..."

They silenced for a very long time. Jena's expression told him nothing, but the absence of questions meant a lot. She understood what he had told her, and she seemed satisfied. After a while, Jena moved foreward.

"You really love her... don't you?"

Grissom nodded. "Yes, I do..."

Jena couldn't help but grin. "I'm sure she loves you too, and I know that Sara will do anything to... be with you. I... now I know that you love her too... I... I'm sorry that I was so rude when I came in."

Grissom gave her a weak smile. "Doesn't matter."

Jena stood up. "Hey, I got to go... I want to get some sleep and I need to find my way to Nick's home."

Grissom walked to the hallway, took her coat and gave it to her. She put it on and held out her hand. "It was nice to meet the boyfriend of my sister..."

"It was nice to meet you too."

She walked to the doorway and turned around. "I understood that she was staying with you? When she's leaving the hospital?"

Grissom just nodded and Jena smiled at him. She closed the door and walked away.

* * *

**To be continued** (almost finished chapter 14) 


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N:** Hello there! Here it is, chapter 14. As a good author, I will write an A/N first. Thanks so much for the flattering comments you made. Though I only received two for the previous chapter, they both were great (if I'm counting right, if I did, I'm very sorry). Still, I really love reading them, so please **leave a review for me**. I love constructive criticism, but any review is great. It makes my day, so if you want to do that... I would love that. Thanks to: **Myra, Snow, Kristy**, you all know why.

This chapter is dedicated to: **Jorja Fox**

**Warning:** Fluff!

* * *

**Chapter 14**

He was staring at her for a very long time now, and he still was not tired of it. He stood there, smilingly. _She's going home, with me. Today. _He was happy for himself, he wanted to be with her, and he realized that even more when he had the conversation with Jena. Actually, he was surprised that he could tell himself this so easily. He knew that he had been distant; he had spent the last thirteen years pretending that they could not be together. He thought that it would not be good for her to have a relationship with him, _especially_ not with him: she deserved someone else. Someone who could love her the way she deserved, someone who wouldn't be locking himself in his own mind.

But she wanted _him_, and no-one else, he knew that now. He felt flattered and at the same time felt the butterflies flying around in his stomach. He wanted her too, he wanted to make her happy, and he wanted to be the special person for her. Though he was afraid, afraid that he couldn't show his feelings, afraid that she suddenly would change her mind. Afraid that _he_ might change his mind too.

_It has been going well, at least for the past few days. What if she suddenly decides that she doesn't want me anymore? What if I realize that I can't do it anymore? What should we do then? I love her, and I think she loves me too, but what if this isn't true? What if this has been nothing more than a simple crush, a teacher-student crush that never blew over? Just a simple love between an employee and her supervisor? Would she be able to love me, for who I am? Does she see me, as a non-social 48-year-old work-a-holic, for who I am, or is she just blinded? Blinded by love that might have never existed. _

He sighed and closed his eyes. He shook away the thoughts, and decided to trust Sara when she told him that she loved him. _She's thirty-three, for God's sake; she must be able to know herself and her feelings. She was old enough to decide to give her heart to, and she had given it to him._

He opened his eyes again and looked at Sara again. She was sitting on the bed, still. Her hair was still somewhat wet, she must have showered today. Small curls were appearing in the upper portion of her head. The bag next to her bed was packed, the room itself was empty. The cards weren't present anymore on the pin-board behind her bed, the table, where vases with flowers used to stay was empty, although there _was_ one flower lying on the top of the bag. It was a sunflower, still in the bud.

She still hadn't noticed his presence; she was holding her discman in her hands. Her eyes were closed, her lips forming the lyrics of the song she was singing. He wished he could hear her sing, but the door was closed and the glass was between them. She was not wearing shoes, or socks. Her legs were curled on the bed, her feet were tapping to the rhythm of the music. She looked beautiful, the green shirt she was wearing made her skin seem somewhat pale, but it went well with her hair. Her face looked angelic, the eyebrows that were slightly curled, the small frown in her forehead, the dark brown hair that framed her face, the light lips that were moving, that showed the cute gap in her teeth from time to time. The closed eyes...

He felt like he could watch her like this for the rest of his life and still not be bored by her. He knew that he had to take her home. He walked to the door and knocked on it. He could feel that she was looking at the doorway and he opened the door smilingly. When she saw him, she almost jumped out of the bed and nearly ran towards him. In the movement, she took off her headphones and put the discman on the bed. She put her arms around him and hugged him closely. He caressed her hair and held her tightly to him. They stood there for a long time, with closed eyes and not wanting to let each other go.

"I'm so glad you came... I'm so glad..."

"I know..." He whispered the words in her ear.

He kissed her hair. She held him a little closer. She was the first to let go but moved her hands to his. She looked at him, visible moved.

"I'm really... I really want to go... I'm ready to go."

"Are you sure you want to come with me? Because... if you do, there's no turning back."

He knew he was teasing her and she knew it too. She raised an eyebrow to him and shrugged.

"I'm sure and ready, Grissom... I hate being in hospitals..."

"So, that's why you are coming with me..."

She inhaled and breathed out shortly after the inhalation. "No, that's not-"

She started to laugh, knowing that he had her. "I want to go with you... and I want to get out of the hospital. They are two different things and I am glad that I can have both of them..."

She still held his hand, her fingers between his.

"You... want to be... wheeled out of the hospital?" He asked it carefully, her answer would probably be no anyway. Though, he had hoped she would be reasonable enough to see that she _couldn't_ walk the long distance from her room to his car all by herself. He studied her face and noticed that his hope was vain.

Sara shook her head fiercely, and an obstinate look settled on her face. It seemed that she was going to fly against him, but then her expression changed into another. She was begging now. "Grissom, please... no. You know how much I hate that..."

"Sara, please let me... let me do this for you, one last time. You know? There's no wheelchair at home, if you have to do anything you'll be walking. I'll help you with anything, I will support you, bring you anything you need, I'll be there for you, of course, but there is no wheelchair. Let me wheel you out, please, just for this one time."

She bit on her lip. "No, I want to walk... please let me, I can do it..."

Grissom sighed and shook his head with a smile on his face._ She won't give up, nothing I say it will convince her. I'd better let her walk; she's going to be mad at me if I push further._ "Okay then. I'll let you walk, but if I see any sign of tiredness or pain, I'll put you in a wheelchair, and there's no way to get out of it, not until you're in my car. No begging will help."

Sara smiled brightly._ This was more than I had expected. I thought that there was no chance for me to walk at all, but it seems that he understands what I want..._ "Thank you..." She whispered the words.

Grissom walked over to the bag. It was only a small one, at least for the time she spent in the hospital. She mustn't have had much stuff with her. "Is this everything you have? Everything that must be brought home?"

Sara nodded. "Yeah, it's everything. Just some clothes, magazines, couple of books and... tons of cards. Discman and cd's. Silver necklace. Flowers I had to throw away except this one..."

She walked to her bag, slowly, and took the flower. "Don't you think it's beautiful?"

Grissom nodded. "Yes... We have to put it in a vase when we get home." He smiled at her and remembered her singing out loud. He was really curious _what_ she was singing. "Sara? What music were you listening to when I came in the room?"

She looked at her discman. "You heard me singing? How long had you been standing there?"

"For some time... you didn't notice me. It was a guilty pleasure listening to you sing... you were so... it was just you and the discman. You didn't notice me. You looked angelic, really, watching you was... well... I loved watching you. But... what was the music?"

Sara felt that she flushed. She didn't like people staring at her, though she found that he was allowed to watch her. She smiled for along time, looking away, and then reality got her back to the question. "The cd... oh, I got it from Jena, she bought it for me, as a hospital-gift. It's by Evanescence... We went to a concert together, back in February, last year. I think it's pretty good..."

_How come I don't know anything about her, going to a concert? What would she have looked like? What kind of band was Evanescence anyway? _"You've been to a concert with Jena? Where?"

"In Vegas. She came by, stayed a few days. She's a fan, and she brought tickets. I thought it would be fun to go with her, took a day off, I had plenty on the book. Dressed up, I still have photographs of the concert and... when we dressed up. I looked so strange; you wouldn't have recognised me, really." She laughed out loud at this little memory.

_What would she have looked like? If I wouldn't have recognised her... what clothes would she have worn then? _

She noticed that he was confused. "You can see photographs... when we're home. Okay?"

Grissom nodded, that was fair enough. "That's good, Sara, but may I listen to the music... when we're home?"

Sara couldn't help but smile. "Sure you may, but I don't think you'll like it... I mean... it's kinda... heavy."

She noticed his raised eyebrow. "Greg music..."

That clarified a lot. "Okay..." He picked up her bag and dragged it to the doorway. He put it down when he heard her whisper his name. He turned around and looked at her confused face. _Oh, God, what's wrong? Would she have changed her mind? Would she say that she wouldn't be in a relationship with him anymore? That she would rather stay with someone else? That she doesn't want me anymore? That... she would raise our baby on her own? _Thoughts rapidly flooded his mind, each one more ridiculous than the other. Though he managed to keep his voice calm.

"Sara... what's wrong?"

Sara swallowed. "Was it true what you told Jena? Was it true... when you told her... that you thought we could have been together... back then... at Harvard?"

Grissom seemed blanked by this question, but slowly nodded. "Yes... I really thought so... and I... wanted it..."

Sara wanted to say something but felt that her throat wouldn't let the words escape. "Why haven't you...?" The words were barely audible. She looked at him with her tearstained eyes.

Grissom moved closer, "I don't know... I didn't want to hurt you and... I didn't want to hurt myself... I... have been so stupid, Sara..."

Sara moved her head to the side and closed her eyes. "Shhh... can you please hold me?"

He walked over to her and wrapped her arms around her. Her head moved to his chest and rested against it. He held her in his arms for as long as she wanted it, he wouldn't let her go if she wasn't ready to let go. He finally released her when he felt that she was loosening her grip on him and he moved himself away from her. "It's okay... we're... together now..." He smiled at her.

"So... you have everything? Do you have to sign out?"

"I have everything... I just need to say good-bye to the medical staff, they have helped me so much, you know. I've already signed the papers; I already have my medication... I'm ready to go home..."

He took her bag and held it in one hand. He moved the other to Sara, to support her walking out of the room. She seemed to be fine, although she walked slowly and with some difficulty, she didn't seem to have any pain. She stopped when she arrived at the desk.

"I'm leaving... and I wanted to say goodbye to... everyone. I don't think that they can come but... can you say goodbye from me?"

The young nurse nodded. "Of course I will."

She stood up and shook hands with Sara. "Goodbye, Ms. Sidle. It was nice to have you here as a patient."

Sara nodded and walked away, Grissom's hand still placed on her shoulder.

"You okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine."

They made their way to the parking space, with some breaks for her to catch her breath. Still, Grissom didn't do anything to make her sit in a wheelchair. _She wants to walk out of the hospital, who am I to tell her that she can't?_

When they arrived at the hallway, he could see that she was absolutely exhausted from this long walk. _Should I put her in a wheelchair to wheel her to the car? She doesn't have a coat here, has she? _

"Sara? Are you sure you don't want a wheelchair right now?"

The stubborn expression appeared again on her face. "I'm fine, Grissom. I just... I'm just not used to these distances. Just let me... stand here, for some time, I'll be fine, really. I... know myself and I know what I can and what I can't and... I can walk, I really can."

The words convinced him that she was right. "Do you have a coat here? In the bag?"

She shook her head. "No, I don't..."

Before she could protest, he had taken off his own coat and placed it around her shoulders. "That will keep you warm... I don't want you to catch a cold."

She smiled to him. "Thank you... but... what about you? You-"

"Sara, don't worry about me, if _you_ are sure that you can walk out of the hospital yourself, _I_ can be sure that I can give you my coat, beside that, it's _my_ coat and I can decide what to do with it."

She nodded and gave him her warmest smile. "Thanks again..."

He placed his arm around her and they walked out of the hospital together. They arrived at the parking space and he opened the door for her. He helped her stepping into the passenger's seat. He put the bag in the trunk. He walked to the driver's seat and settled down. He started the car, but he noticed that Sara was staring at him. He moved his hand to her hand and touched it. "We're going home." She nodded and he drove off.

"Where are we going? This is not the way to my apartment."

Confused she looked at Grissom. He was watching the traffic, but answered with a short shake of his head.

"No, we're not."

_He's not going to say more, is he? _She rolled her eyes and looked to the outside of the window. When the car stopped, she looked around.

"This is your place..."

_What the heck am I doing here? I thought I would be home, I wanted to go home, and now I'm here! What does he think he is doing? I don't want to drop at his place first... I just want to sit on the couch and sip tea, and go to my own bed if I like it. I don't want to be guided through his home, I know his place..._

She pushed away the thoughts and looked at him.

"Yes, it is..."

"I thought we were going home... my home."

"This is your home."

Astonished, she looked at him. _What did he just say? That this is my home? Grissom is just saying that his home, his private home, where he can hide, is mine too? Does this mean that he wants me in his life, forever? Shall I ask him what this means? _

"Ehm... Grissom... are you serious?"

He looked at her, without smile, without trying to comfort her. "Yes, I am serious. I have been so stupid for the past fifteen years, and I realized that I want you in my life; I want to _be_ with you, Sara. So... please, do you want to live with me? At least for the first couple of weeks... when you need to be taken care of."

A bright smile took over her face. "Of course I want to..."

* * *

**To be continued. Please leave a review!**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N:** This A/N is going to be a litte longer, but I need to say something. It's a goodbye note, and it's really sad to me. I have to say goodbye to **Snow** as my beta. For some reasons, she can't do it for me anymore, and I know that she's probably right, but I still find it really sad. Thank you so much for doing all the things you did for me, you just know why. Thanks for all the **reviews**!

This chapter is dedicated to **Snow**.

* * *

**Chapter 15**

He stepped out of the car and walked over to her. He opened her door and took her by her hands, pulled at them carefully and helped her out of the passengers-seat. Holding hands, they stood there in the middle of the pavement. She looked up and warmed him with a smile. He gazed into her eyes. Then he noticed the bags under her eyes.

_She looks tired, exhausted actually. Maybe this trip was too much. Maybe I should have put her in the wheelchair and should have refused to let her walk all by herself. Does she actually want to live in my house? Maybe she was just being polite, maybe she doesn't want to be so close to me, at least not yet. _

He shrugged the thoughts away. _She still looks confused, maybe we both could go inside_. He moved closer to her and touched her left cheek with his hand. He brushed her hair out of her face. He noticed her closing her eyes.

"Hmmm... Gris?"

He knew that he didn't have to answer that question. He moved even closer to her and twined his arms around her. He could feel her muscles relaxing and her snuggling to his chest; her hands laid on his shoulders.

"Thank you..." She whispered in his ear and her head moved back to his chest. His hand caressed her hair and the other moved to her waist. He laid it on the fabric of her coat, then realized that he wanted to _feel_ her. He replaced the cotton a bit and touched her bare skin. He wanted to kiss her, hold her, _have_ her and never let her go. He knew that she was tired and he didn't want to make her even more so. He just held her close to himself.

_God, I like to feel her body against mine. I love to hold her, to kiss her... why have I waited so long? Why did it take so long for me to realize what I want? _

She lifted her head from his chest and looked up at him. She could say a thousand things, but kept quiet, though her eyes were filled with longing. He kissed her forehead, still holding her tightly to him. She stretched up and let her lips touch his.

Before he realized it, she already had turned her head away. She freed herself from his arms, touched his shoulder and walked over to the door. Her hand reached for the door handle but she realized that she didn't have a key. She turned around and saw that Grissom had already taken her bag out of the car. He walked over to her and moved her gently aside. He took the key out of his pocket and put it in the lock. He opened the door and let her walk in first.

She took a few tenative steps inside and then stood still. He took his coat from her shoulders and hung it on the rack. She didn't move any further than she had; she seemed somewhat unsure. She shivered and shifted on her feet. She inhaled deeply and breathed out. He knew that something was wrong - he almost ran towards her and took her hand. "You okay?"

She nodded. "Yeah, I just... want to sit down." Before he could do something, she shuffled to the black couch and plopped down on it. She wiggled her shoulders - her back hurt. She closed her eyes and sighed. He walked over to her, set the bag down next to the couch and turned to her. He kneeled down in front of her. Her eyes were still closed. "Do you need anything?"

She frowned and looked at him. "Yeah, I would love some tea and... I'm a little bit cold... can I have a blanket?"

"Of course you can."

He moved over to the chair and grabbed the fleece blanket. He sat down next to her and wrapped the blanket around her shoulders, carefully; he didn't want to hurt her. She took it and pulled it tightly to her. She shivered and laid her head back against the couch. He stood up.

"I'm going to get you some tea"

He made his way to the kitchen and put on the kettle. He came back with two cups of tea and gave one to her.

"Thank you..." She opened her eyes and smiled at him. She took a sip of the tea. He put his tea on the table, he didn't want to sit down because he had lots to do; he wanted her to be as comfortable as she could be. He was thinking of putting her bag in the bedroom when his eyes fell on the dining table. He noticed that something stood on it, something _he_ had not placed on it. He blinked and walked over to it. Sara was not watching what he was doing; she had closed her eyes again and was warming her right cheek with the hot cup of tea. When he arrived at the table, his eyes widened. _What is this? Who has placed these things on my table? _His gaze was first drawn to the note sitting there. It was a framed, white paper, with red words on it, printed and surrounded by hearts, flowers and tiny butterflies.

_'Welcome Home, Sara_. '

_Who has done this? How did this end up in my home? Who the heck went into my townhouse and put this on my table? _

He picked up the frame, took the paper out of it and checked to see if it said anything else, a name or an address.

'_Wish you will enjoy your time together. Catherine, Nick, Warrick, Greg and Jena_.'

_How nice... they sneaked into my house. I should never have given the key to Catherine, never. _

He rolled his eyes, but shortly after it, his attention was drawn to something else. There was a bunch of flowers standing on the table, mixed flowers. There was no card visible, but he knew that they were from the same people who signed the note. He shoved the vase aside and finally saw the framed photograph. His eyes widened considerably; he couldn't believe what he saw. It was a photograph of him and Sara, lying very close to each other. Both of them were sleeping, she was lying in his arms.

_Where on Earth could someone have gotten this picture?_

It was clear that this was not a photo-shopped picture, no, this was real. And he remembered the moment of them, lying together on her bed. It was one of the nicest memories he had with her, though he had mixed feelings about the photograph. Because there was a photograph of the moment he would not be able to forget it, but it also meant that they were not alone during that intimate moment.

_But how did the photographer get so close to us? Who took the picture? And why?_

He suspected Catherine, but couldn't prove anything. He looked at the picture and tried to push away the curious, but annoyed thoughts in his head.

_She seemed ill in the photograph; she had been ill and still was. But still she looked like an angel, my angel to be specific. _He placed the picture on the table again and hesitated. _Can I show this picture to Sara? How would she react? Will she be angry? _

He glanced over at her and decided that she should see it; she would find it eventually anyways, and ask when he had found it. And he knew that he wouldn't be able to deny the truth then. He ambled over to her and sat down. She laid her head on his shoulder and shifted her upper body. "Sara?"

"Hmm?"

"You need to see this..."

She looked up and saw the picture Grissom was holding. She grasped the picture frame out of his hands and looked at it.

_What the hell is this? Who has taken this picture and what has Grissom got to do with this? What has he done? Has he hired someone to take this photograph? And why is he showing this to me? This means that... we were not alone... then? Why has this picture been printed? I look awful, horrible, totally unflattering. He has to throw this picture away. _

She swallowed and looked at him. "Have you... What is this?"

Grissom shrugged. "I don't know... I found it on the table. I guess someone of the lab is involved with this... I didn't know about the existence of that picture until a minute ago."

Sara glanced at him. "I look awful... I am so pale there... can you throw it away? Please?"

"Honey, look at me. You never will look awful, never. You're an angel to me, really. I am not going to throw this away."

Her eyebrows lifted and she looked away from him. _I think I have to feel flattered by this... but I don't. Is he just saying this to please me, or because he really means it? He can't be serious, because I am not beautiful, I'm not special. I'm just nothing. Why doesn't this feel right? Why am I not blushing? _

She felt like crying because of the way she felt: Tired, unloved, selfish and a burden to everyone. She tried to shake the thoughts away and fake a smile, but couldn't keep the facade on. She began to cry; she tried to wipe the tears away with her arm, but she realized that there were too many tears. He pulled her to him, without speaking, and pressed her head to his chest. She buried her face into his shirt. He caressed her shoulders and after some time, he felt that she was calm again.

"Hey... why were you crying?"

She sobbed and swallowed hard. "I... I don't know... I have no reason to... it's just... just..."

She started sobbing again. She lingered on his shoulder. "I... I feel like I'm... a burden to you, and I don't want to be..."

"Shhhh, Sara... that's not true... I want you in my life; you are the one I love. Please, Sara, never doubt that."

She looked at him with tearstained eyes. She swallowed and managed a weak smile. "Sorry, sorry for everything. I'm so sorry..." She laid her head against his chest and listened to his heartbeat. Her facial expression suddenly changed. Grissom noticed it and looked at her, eyes full of concern.

"What's wrong, honey?"

"My back hurts..."

"Take off your shirt."

She glanced at him. _What did he just say? Take off my shirt? I don't want to have sex right now, I'm awfully tired and in pain and... no, I don't need to have a reason; I just don't want to have sex, not now. _

"Can you repeat what you just said?"

"Take off your shirt, please..."

She still looked at him, with a glance of disbelief. "Why?"

"Do you trust me?"

_Where is this leading to? Trust? Bondage? Some weird SM-thing? He, taping me up, whips, leather, masks? Trust, that's what those people want, right? Of course I trust him, but... why take off my shirt? What the heck is he going to do with me?_

"What do you want to do with me? Where is this leading to, Gris?"

"I ask you again, do you trust me?"

Slowly, Sara nodded. "Yes, I do... but-"

"Then take off your shirt."

_Okay, if he really wants this, I'll do it, but I still don't know why. Why does he want me to take off my shirt? So that he can look at my naked body? But why? Why now? _

Still with insecurity, she looked at him and realized that she couldn't do that; her whole body still hurt by the scars. "I can't... do that... alone... it hurts to do that, can you help me?"

Grissom's hands slipped to the underside of the shirt. His warm hands touched her waist, and held them there for a second. Then they went back to the fabric of the shirt and removed it carefully. _Crap, I don't wear a bra..._ Sara realized that she was half naked right now. She felt terribly unsure; what was he going to do with her?

"Now, please, close your eyes, and be quiet, okay?"

_Why? So he can watch my naked body without me knowing that he is looking, right? _Sara frowned, shook away the sarcastic thoughts and did what he said. His hands moved to her shoulders, and held her close to him. He touched her bare skin with his hands and kissed her shoulder.

"I promise I won't hurt you, okay? Just trust me, okay?"

Sara nodded. He held her body and laid her down on the couch, first on the side. She curled her legs up until she laid in a fetal position. He straightened her legs, watched her half-naked body for a second. He noticed the large scar on her chest, it still was red and coloured, but didn't affect her beauty. He wanted to touch and feel her. He rolled her over onto her stomach, carefully. She frowned. "Gris, this hurts... I can't... do this... lie on my stomach..." _How stupid could I have been? She must still hurt from the gunshot wound, I should have known this. _"I'm very sorry, Sara..." He rolled her over to the other side, so that her head faced the back of the couch. She closed her eyes again. He smiled.

_Oh, she was beautiful, even though she looked pale and tired. The way she had looked at me, the slightly curved spine, the closed eyes. She is mine... she trusts me and she's mine._

He felt like he was exploding, but knew that he had to stay calm; he had a job to do. He sat down on the edge of the couch, and then slid down until he sat on the floor, right before the couch. He moved onto his knees and looked at her bare back. She tried to cover her breast with her arms; her head lay on the elbow-rest. He placed his hands on her shoulders. She shivered, but didn't make a sound.

_She feels warm, really hot. Does she like my hands on her shoulders? Does she like my massage? I can ask her, but then I will disturb the situation. God, her skin feels soft and silky. _

He wanted to kiss her, kiss her naked skin. He resisted his hunger and moved his fingers on her skin; he made circles, curls, and curves.

_Hell, there are a lot of knots in there. No wonder her back hurts. _

He could hear her moaning softly, and felt her muscles relaxing. His hands moved down to her lower back. He felt drawn to her, and wanted to feel her skin, the skin of her pregnant belly. He couldn't resist touching it, his hands went over her side and caressed her soft skin. He felt that it had grown since the last time he had touched it, two days ago. He knew that it was almost impossible but still believed that it was true. She still remained quiet, but he knew that she liked the feeling.

He went on with the massage and finished her back. When he was done, he took his hands off and looked at her. The only sound he heard was the sound of her breathing, deeply and calm. He fought a sudden onslaught of tears; he still couldn't believe that she wanted to be with him, that she was his. He touched her shoulder and rolled her up on her back. She opened her eyes and smiled at him.

"Is that okay? How do you feel, honey?"

"Hmmm, that was good, I feel better now... Thank you so much..."

He walked to the pile of clothes that lay on the other couch. He found what he was looking for.

"Sara? I have something for you..."

She followed him with her eyes, still lying down on the couch. He showed her a shirt.

"This is for you... I went to your apartment, to get you some clothes and other stuff you might need here. But I couldn't find your pyjamas, but I guess this will do it."

She looked at the shirt, and then she realized _what_ she was looking at. Her eyes widened. "Gris, this is the shirt... from Harvard, I slept in that shirt when... well, back then. You'll tell me that... you kept it?"

"Yes, I did... I wanted to keep the memory... You may have the shirt if you want it... I haven't worn it since... that time. I think it kind of belongs to you." She hesitated and checked out the shirt. It was a navy-blue shirt, with two white lines on it. She remembered herself wearing it, looking at it. She remembered the lines.

_"What's in a name? That which we call a rose_

_By any other word would smell as sweet." _

She looks astonished at him. "That's Shakespeare... but... you give it to me? To keep it?"

"Yes, I do... it's yours. Every time I see that shirt, or read that line, I think of you..."

She couldn't help but smile, she remembered that she felt exactly the same way about the lines. It always gave her a mixed feeling: she thought about her rape, but also about their time together. And the good feelings overruled the sad feelings. She tried to sit up, but before she had moved, he helped her. He noticed that she felt uncomfortable. _No wonder, she's topless right now, and however she tries to cover her breasts... she must feel unsure..._ He took the shirt and helped her get her head through the hole. She moved her arms into the sleeves and covered the rest of her body with the fabric.

She yawned. "Sorry, Gris, I'm actually quite tired."

"Do you want something to eat? I can get you something..."

"That would be good..."

"But first, I'll bring you to bed. We'll eat there."

He took her in his arms and lifted her from the couch. She wrapped her arms around his neck and laid her head down on his shoulder. She closed her eyes and said something unintelligible. He carried her to the bedroom and opened the door. He flicked the light on and walked inside. He checked the room, then stood still.

"What's wrong?" Sara lifted her face and looked inside the bedroom, from the cupboard to the bed. Her glance stopped at the bed sheet. "What is...? Who...? Did you... know?"

"I don't know who did this... really, I didn't know..."

They both looked at the bed sheet. It was a wintered sheet, with a golden butterfly on it. But that was not what drew their attention: on the pillow sheets were written names. _Gil_ was written on one sheet, _Sara_ on the other.

Sara stared out of the window. _I don't know what to think about it... I mean... it's sweet but at the same time I feel like it's a break-in... Jena, she probably knows more about it... it's something she would do to surprise me... I'm sure her intentions were right, but... she could have... left a message for me, some card or so. I can call her, but not now, if he would just lay me down on the bed, I would be really thankful for that... Sleep, I can use sleep..._

"Jena..."

Grissom laid her down on the bed. "Honey, I doubt that Jena did this. Maybe she was involved, but she didn't do it by herself. There were no signs of a break-in, and the only one that has a spare-key is Catherine."

"Catherine did this?"

"Yes, I think so... I'm sorry"

Sara bit her lip. "You don't have to apologise, but... it's just... I think it's... sweet, but I want to keep this a bit... private, you know, I don't want the whole lab to know, and... well, they will find out and... I don't want everyone to know that I'm pregnant, especially... Ecklie..."

"Don't worry about him, if he decides to... take administrative steps... it is our life, _we_ can decide what to do with it, no-one else. Don't worry; it's going to be fine, okay? You just need to get better. We'll see where it will all lead to."

Sara calmed down, _He is right, I shouldn't worry, it'll be okay in the end. As long as I stay with him, I'll be fine. I shouldn't care about what the others think, as long as we're happy, and I am happy with him. He's so sweet to me, and I still don't understand why._ She smiled at him. "Gris, you're right... I'm sorry, it's just... I'm..."

She swallowed and looked away from him. "I'm... scared." Her strong voice was barely audible.

He sat down close to her and kissed her on her jaw. "Don't worry, I'll be... patient... don't worry, Sara... I'll be there for you."

"It's not that... sorry, I... know that I can trust you. I really know that."

_But why is she worrying then? If she trusts me, it's okay, right? Why is she hesitating? _"I need to make you some food... I'll be right back." He walked through the door, but came back and looked through the doorway at her. "Make yourself comfortable, don't worry... this is your home too, remember?" He walked away to the kitchen.

* * *

I hope you liked this chapter. Please leave a review to me :)  



	16. Chapter 16

**A/N:** This is the chapter that has been betareaded once, I'm still waiting for it to be betareaded for a second time, but I couldn't resist to upload it. The mistakes that are still in it are completely mine. Thanks to **Cybrokat** for beta'ing. Thanks to **everyone **who reviewed for the previous chapters.

This chapter is dedicated to **Kristy87** for her wonderful support. You know you brought me close to tears yesterday.

* * *

**Chapter 16**

He walked over to the kitchen and took a saucepan out of the drawer. He put it on the gas cooker and looked into his refrigerator. He found where he was looking for: carrots, celery, leeks, onions, tomatoes, zucchini, and a clove of garlic. He put it all on the kitchen sink and took a knife out of the drawer, but before he started to cut the vegetables, he looked in the kitchen cupboard for a measuring cup. He put on the water and measured 2 cups. He poured it into the pan and took the bouillon block off the cupboard. He threw it into the pan and stirred into the water that was getting warmer through the heat of the fire underneath the pan.

He kept stirring until the block had been dissolved completely. In the meantime, he washed the vegetables and cut them into small pieces. He threw the vegetables in the water and waited until it cooked. When the water started to rise, he put the fire low and covered the pan with the lid. He grabbed the kitchen timer from the drawer and set it on twenty minutes. He went out off the kitchen and sank down on the couch. In the twenty minutes, he should check out the soup regularly, but it wouldn't be a problem for him to sit down for a couple of minutes now and set his thoughts in order, the soup would be fine.

_It had all been very nice with her. It all seemed to go very well when I had picked her up from the hospital, the mood was light and I felt like we both were in love. The moments in my home had been... almost erotic to me, touching her body, I'll never get enough from it. Of course I can't say that to her, not now. I know that she had enjoyed the massage as well. She must have felt so insecure first; I shouldn't have asked it to her in such a straight way. Gil! You have been stupid to her._

_But why did she make that last comment? She's afraid, but for what? I just can't believe that she's only afraid that the lab would find out. Of course Ecklie would do anything to fire me, or even to fire her, but if it got so far, I would do anything to prevent her from being terminated. If it's between me and her, I would take it and leave. It's just that easy. If it's between her and me, I would take the consequences. Does she know that? God, she doesn't know that! She only knows how important my job is for me, but she needs to know that she's far more important. I need to tell her that! _

He almost stood up and walked to the bedroom, but he managed to suppress the urge. _She needs sleep first; she's completely devastated by everything. She's drugged, but still in pain. The medication would make her feel dizzy; she's really tired; this is not the right moment to talk about how I feel about her. But still, why is she afraid? Is she afraid for me? Afraid that I would take back anything I have said to her? Afraid that I would leave her? She must know that anything of that kind is untrue; she must know that this time, I won't give up on her. Have I told her in person that I loved her? I have but... did she really understand how much I loved her? God, what if she didn't? _

He wanted to stop thinking about this but he was not able to shake away his thoughts: he had to clear his mind. He took the phone and dialed Catherine's phone number. _She'll be home right now, come on! Pick up the phone_.

"Willows."

Catherine sounded exhausted but her tone changed when she realized who she was talking to. "Gil, what did you think about-?"

_How does she know that I was the one who called her? _"Cath, I'm not in the mood to talk about that, I need your opinion, right now."

He could feel Catherine nodding, and continued. "Sara... well, it seemed to go all well... we... well, I won't go into this, but it was nice and... suddenly she told me that she was... afraid. I... I don't know what this means, and I can't ask her right now, she's sleeping and I won't wake her up. What if..."

"Stop. What exactly did she tell you?"

"I... well, we were having a conversation, and she said that she was afraid... that anyone would find out, that Ecklie would take steps, but... I felt that there was more. She sounded so puny and usually she can face Ecklie with her head up, usually she isn't afraid of him, so I was worrying if she mean that she was afraid of... _me_."

It remained silent at the other side of the connection. "Hmmm... well, you two need to talk about it, that's for sure, but... do you think that, if she was just afraid of you, she would have asked to stay at your place? Does that sound like Sara to you? Well, not to me.Sara Sidle has her pride, she wouldn't ask for something if she really doesn't want it. That she's with you at the moment means a lot, for you, but for her too. Believe me, Gil, she's really happy that she can be with you, just give her some time to get used to the idea that you two are together now, you have to remind yourself that you have let her down so many times. I'm sorry to say this to you, and I don't mean to scare you, but it's just the truth. It is possible that she's afraid to be with you, but, you need to know, this is what she wants. Just be patient, and have a good conversation if she's strong enough to think clear again. It will be okay, Gil. But what did you think about the-"

"The sheets? Cath, I... didn't give you the key to sneak into my apartment and put your stuff there. I gave it for just in case, that if you need to be there, you can be there. I have told you that it was just for urgent cases, not just to-"

"Gil, please. I didn't meant to hurt you by this, I just thought... that we had to let both of you know that we're behind you, that... we like the idea of you two together, we have been waiting for this for so long. You need to know that this was all done by a good intention. And you need to know that this was not my idea, not _only_ my idea."

"Then whose idea was this?"

"Jena... well, Jena and myself. I called her, I mean, she's her _sister_, and she knows more about her than... us. We came up with this... and she was sure that at least _Sara_ would like this."

_Did Sara like this? If she did, why should I have a problem with it? _"Well, I forgive you. I-" He looked at his watch and smashed the phone on the table. He ran towards the pan and put the lid off it. _Stirring... I completely forgot to stir! Oh God, spoon, where's that spoon? Where's the spoon when you need it. Drawer, open the drawer, Gil! Take the spoon, and now stir. Stir... I hope this going to be fine... I hope I haven't ruined the soup for good. Sara must eat, she's probably very hungry..._ He stirred and felt that the soup was still okay. He kept stirring until the vegetables were perfectly mingled in the fluid. He put the lid back on the pan and looked at the kitchen timer. He had exactly two minutes and thirty-five seconds left. He sighed out of relief and walked back to the couch, where he heard the phone talking. _I haven't said goodbye to Cath, she must be really confused._ He picked it up

"Gil! What's wrong?"

"Soup... I'm cooking soup but... I completely forgot about it..."

Catherine couldn't stop laughing. Grissom became more and more irritated by her. "Cath, it's not funny. I promised her to make her some food and... If I failed this, she would have had to wait longer."

She swallowed and made a last giggle. "Sorry, I just... I imagined you cooking and... The image in my head was quite funny..."

"Cath, it's not funny. But I need to go right now, soup's ready in a few seconds."

"Okay... Again, I'm sorry for what happened. Say hi to Sara from everyone, and we're going to visit you sometime. We'll call first, okay?"

"That's fine. Thank you Cath."

"Bye."

He broke the connection, left the phone on the couch and walked back to the kitchen. When he took off the lid from the pan, the kitchen timer rang off. He was exactly on time. He put out the gas and stirred the soup again; it seemed that he had succeeded. He took a soup ladle from the drawer and two bowls from the cupboard, putting them on the sink and pouring them full. He set the bowls on a tray and carried the tray to the bedroom.

When he opened the door with his right foot, the first thing he looked at was her. She had fell asleep, laying on her side, her legs curled up to her waist in an almost fetal position, one hand reaching for his pillow, the other laid on her own stomach. She lay on the middle of the bed, it became clear to him that she was used to lying alone. She still was fully clothed in her own clothes, except for her own shirt; she wore his now. She was breathing deeply and regularly. The expression on her face was peaceful.

He walked further into the room and put the tray on the bedside table. She didn't notice the sound. _Now I have to wake her up. _ He didn't want to break the serene silence in this room, but she had to eat. He moved closer to her and touched her shoulder. He shook her a little. "Sara..." He whispered her name.

Sara didn't wake up. He placed himself on the bed and moved his hands over her. He laid his head on her shoulder and kissed her neck. He held her close to himself and whispered her name in her ear. "Sara. You have to wake up."

He could feel her moving as she was waking up. She moaned something and moved her head. She blinked and when she saw that it was him, she turned her head back to the pillow. "Let me sleep..." She murmured the words. She moved at little and it seemed that she had fallen asleep again.

He knew that he had to wake her up, no matter if she liked it or not. "Sara, I have something to eat for you... you need to wake up." She seemed not to wake, but he knew that she heard him. "Sara... please?"

"Okay, okay... I'll wake up..." She moved her body and pressed her hands on the mattress until she sat down to the back of the bed, with a pillow held in her arms. It was his pillow. She rubbed her eyes, yawned and looked at him. "Hey... how...how long have I slept?"

"Not more than twenty minutes... are you still tired?"

"Yeah, I am. But I'm awake now, it's okay..." She took his hand and held it. He caressed her fingers. She closed her eyes, but the smell of the soup made her look at the bedside table. She looked curiously what he had made. "What did you cook?"

"Vegetable soup... vegetarian vegetable soup."

_He has made vegetarian soup for me? That's so nice of him, thinking of me, and thinking of my way of living. He paid attention, didn't he? He's finally paying attention to what I say and what I want. It's so sweet of him to think about me... _"That's very nice... ehm... where exactly are we going to eat?" _I'm so not in the mood to eat at a table; I just don't have the power to move again. I'm glad that I'm sitting here, on the bed, and I don't want to move... I so hope he's not going to bring me to the living room... if he wants to, he may carry me to it..._

"Well, where do you want to eat?"

"Here?"

"That's fine."

He gave one bowl to her and placed the spoon in her hand. Her hands shook but she tried to eat stubbornly by herself. She placed the spoon in the soup and ladled it. She moved it to her mouth, slowly; she didn't want to spill the soup on the bed. She focused on the spoon, but forgot about the bowl, it almost fell on the bed when he placed his hand over her hand to stop the shaking. He took the bowl out of her hands. She didn't protest.

"May I?" He took the spoon out of her hands and placed it in her mouth. She said something he couldn't understand, but the angry undertone was audible. "Gwsm, don't..."

"What? Why not?"

"I don't want that. I can do it myself."

He ladled another spoon full of soup for her and directed it to her mouth. But before he could make her eat it, she turned her head away from him.

"I don't want that. I don't want you to feed me, I can do it myself."

He sighed. "Sara, I don't want you to spill soup on my bed. Your hands are shaking; you obviously can't do it yourself but you need to eat. So, may I?"

She shook her head. "No, I don't want to. I'm a big girl, Grissom. I can do it alone."

"Sara, look at me. You're not-" When she had turned her head, he pushed the spoon in her mouth quickly. "There you go..."

She glared at him and took the spoon out of her mouth. It seemed like she was going to say something, but she just shook her head and pursed her mouth. "That was just mean. I... I just want to eat myself."

"And I won't let you. So, open up..."

She pressed her lips against each other and looked at him with the same stubborn expression. Grissom smiled at her, he was somewhat amused by her mood. "Then I will wait here." He took his own spoon of his bowl and started to eat the soup that belonged to him.

_I'm hungry... but I want to eat myself. Why is he so damn mean to me? Why can't he understand that I just want to eat myself! I can do that, I really can, I won't spill it, but he won't let me. _She took the spoon out of her mouth and looked at it. _I always can try to get my bowl and try again. _She rolled over to the right side of the bed and reached for the bowl. He let her take it. Sara was surprised that she could get the bowl so easily; she had expected that he would stop her. He didn't. She put her spoon in the soup and started to eat again. She tried not to look at him, but to focus at the spoon. She tried to stop her hand from shaking. _ Sidle, concentrate. Focus, Sidle. Don't let the bowl fall out of your hand, don't make your hands shake. Don't make him concerned. Just focus. Bring that spoon to your mouth, Sidle. _

She managed to bring the soup to her mouth. She swallowed and for the first time she actually _tasted_ the soup. _This is so good, really good. I love what he has done for me... really, love. _She brought her spoon back to the soup and took another mouthful. She emptied the bowl and looked at him. He shook his head and looked at her.

"What?"

"I told you that you shouldn't eat on your own, and you still did it."

Sara shrugged. "I told you I didn't want you to feed me and you still did it."

He smiled at her and shook his head. She looked away and closed her eyes. She frowned and sighed heavily. "Sorry, I'm really tired, can I just... sleep?"

"Of course. Shall I close the curtains for you?" Sara nodded and Grissom walked over to the window to close the curtains. Suddenly, the room became too dark to see something so he walked to the nightlight and put it on. He turned to her, and settled down on the edge of the bed. "Shall I, um, take off your pants? I doubt if you can sleep well with yours on."

"Will you do that?"

He moved his hands to her belly, and couldn't resist touching it. He unbuttoned the tag of her pants and loosened the zipper. He moved his hands to her hips, and touched them carefully. _Her hips are the nicest part of her body. I love to feel them, they're not... I don't know what it is, I just love them._ He caressed the skin on her hips and slipped her pants down to her legs. He took off her shoes and socks, removed the pants from her ankles and laid them on the chair in the corner of the room. He asked her to lift her legs a bit. She did what he asked and he removed the blanket from under her body and covered her with it. "You're lying here okay?"

Sara nodded and looked at him. "Yeah, thank you."

He smiled at her. "If you need me, I'll be here. Don't worry; I want to take care of you, if you need me, just call. Okay?" He walked to the door and placed the hand on the handle. Sara followed him with her eyes. Her glance became somewhat afraid, but she conquered her fear. "Ehm... Gris? I... I don't know how to say this but... I don't think I can... sleep well... do you want to... lie... next to me? I mean... just to hold me, to... I just feel so... empty when I'm... I'll be alone... I... every time I dream I dream of... well, never mind, that doesn't matter, but... please?"

Grissom walked to his side of the bed and bent forward to her. "Sara, if this is what you want, of course I will." He closed the door again, sat down on the bed and undid his shoes. He laid himself down on the bed, under the covers, close to her. He turned off the light, and watched her, or what he could see of her in the dark room. She was lying with her face to the window, and her back turned towards him. Her hair fell on the pillow; he noticed that it curled again. He couldn't help the longing to slip his fingers through her hair. It felt silky and soft, just as he had expected. She seemed not to notice that he touched it, she was almost asleep, and he noticed that she made heavy breathing sounds.

But he knew that she was not asleep yet, she swallowed and moved her hands to her face. He moved his arms to her and made her lie closer to him; she almost touched his chest with her back. He embraced her with his arms. She lifted her head and turned her face to him. She fluttered her eyes and closed them again, without saying anything. She moaned something and laid her head against his chest. He caressed her shoulders and noticed that she had fallen asleep. _She's so beautiful, I'm so glad that she's here, lying in my arms. She's amazing. I still can't believe that she'll be with me, at least for some time, until she can take care of herself, but... she needs me now. And I'll be there for her, as long as she needs me. _He sighed and kissed her on her shoulder, softly, he didn't want to wake her up. She inhaled deeply and pressed herself even closer to him. _Can I fall asleep right now? _He felt that he was tired himself, he had been up for some time now and the only thing he had done was taking care of her. His thoughts had been with her for the past hours, and he started to feel it. He closed his eyes, moved one hand to her upper leg and touched it. He held her close to him with his other hand. He tried not to move anymore and fell asleep.

* * *

**A/N: Please leave a review:)**   



	17. Chapter 17

**A/N:** Whoa, this came very fast! Almost one shot. The original concept was way longer, but almost 4000 words is a lot. The rest of the chapter will be called "Chapter 18", which is halfway there. Thanks for **everyone **who reviewed to me, you know? I'll have a party when I reach the 100 :) Thanks to **Cybrokat **for betareading (Really quick this time :))

This chapter is dedicated to Myra, (sarasidlegrissom if you want, read her story. She's on my fave authors list!

* * *

Sara woke up. She had no idea how long she had slept, but she felt well-rested. She felt too comfortable to open her eyes, though still she felt too awake to turn around and fall asleep again. She tried to imagine the world around her without opening her eyes, just to have the sound and the feelings to show her what she was doing. _Hmm... I just fell asleep. In his arms. In his arms? _She tried to think back but her mind was blurry since the massage. She wanted to remember anything though, so she went back in time in her thoughts. 

_He massaged me. Hmm... It still feels good there, he really has soft hands. And then? He gave me his shirt and brought me to the bedroom. I... I guess I fell asleep there; he woke me when he brought me soup. Soup... yes, he made me soup. Oh, I love him; he really took care of me. I fell asleep... with his arms around me. _

She tried to focus herself on the sounds in the room. And the touches. This was something she always did when she had to wake up and actually didn't want to. She still hadn't moved and felt something on her stomach. _What's this? It's not any part of my body... wait wait... _She moved her left hand to the place and touched the skin of his hand. _It's his hand! Lying on my pregnant belly... is he aware of the fact that he's doing this to me? _She moved her fingers on his skin, caressed it softly and finally gripped it. She twined her fingers between his; his fingers were warm and smooth, exactly as she expected them to be.

She pricked up her ears, and heard him breathing close to her. _He's lying close to me? How close exactly? Nothing else is touching me, but if I hear his breathing, he must be close to me. _She sighed, knowing that there was no option than just open her eyes and see it herself. She moaned, and opened her eyes flutteringly. The room was actually quite dark; the only source of light came from under the door that led to the living room. She looked at him, and tried not to move. He was asleep. lying on his side, face to face with her. He looked, and there was no other word to say it, adorable. _He's so sweet, even his beard looks adorable. _She wanted to move closer to him, to kiss him, to crawl in his arms, she wanted to hold him. She wanted him to hold her close to him, but she didn't want to wake him either.

_He deserves some sleep, if I'll wake him, he will not be pleased. He has done so much, the least I can do is to let him sleep._ She tried to close her eyes again and fall asleep, but it just didn't work. She couldn't sleep knowing that the man she loved was so close to her. She inhaled heavily and closed her eyes. _This hurts... _She realized that she had to take some of her medication; the last time she took them was just before she left the hospital. She didn't know how long ago that was: she didn't have a clock to tell her the time, but she knew that it was too long ago.

She frowned and realized that she had to wake him; she had no other options left. She bit her lip, stubborn as she was. She wanted to watch him first, the pain could wait. She moved her eyes to the end of the bed. He was covered with the blanket completely, just like her. His head was half lying on the mattress, half on his pillow. She smiled. The idea of their bed sheets made her smile. _If Catherine has done this, I need to thank her. Jeez, whoever did this has a genius mind._

She noticed his ears, his nose, and every part of his face. And it made her smile. She wanted to kiss his cheek; she wanted to stroke his hair, to feel his soft neck. The longing had become too strong to bear, she leaned forward, hesitating. _Can I just kiss him awake? How would he react if he feels my lips against his skin? Would he like it? Would he be mad that I woke him? Would he kiss me back?_ She shook her head softly. _Come on, Sidle, he loves you. He told you that he does, he certainly wouldn't mind being kissed by you. _She closed her eyes and felt her lips touch his cheek. She felt the soft hairs of his beard connect to her lips. She kissed him, whispered something and moved back. She watched him open his eyes. "Hey..."

He smiled at her. "How long have you been staring at me?"

She took his hand again. "Not long enough... sorry that I woke you up."

"Don't worry, I needed to wake up, and... I love being woken up by you... I love your kisses, Sara." _Have I just said that to her?_ He moved forward to her and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. She closed her eyes. He sat up, held her in his arms and moved her closer to him. He took her face in his hands, each of his palms covering her cheek. He first kissed her left eye, her right eye, her nose. He closed his eyes and kissed her mouth too.

"Hmm... kiss me... kiss me..." Sara whispered the words with such longing that he couldn't deny it anymore; he _wanted_ to kiss her too, not just on her forehead, but _kiss_ her. _She wants to kiss? Really kiss?_ He breathed in and started to kiss her intensely, their tongues danced around each other, fast and slow, passionate and deep, like the dance of the Tango. The feeling of the lips, her hands holding his shoulders, her face in his hands, it became too much for him. He couldn't handle it anymore and he let her go softly.

She still had closed her eyes. He silently watched her; she opened her eyes and looked at him. He touched her face and stroked her cheek. She moaned, as a sign that she really loved what he was doing. _She ponders, is there anything wrong with her? _"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, it's just... do you want to pour a glass of water for me? I need to... get my medication."

"Of course I will..." He walked away to the kitchen where he had left her medication. He came back with the box of the medication and looked at the sticker planted on it. _Maximum dose: three times a day, two pills_. He placed two pills on his hand and gave them to her. "There you are, honey..."

She took the pills, laid them on her tongue and swallowed the water. She placed the empty glass on the bedside table, and smiled at him. "Thank you... Gil..."

_Did she just call me Gil? My **first** name? She never did this, not even before she became on my shift. And on shift, it's only Catherine who calls me Gil... does this mean something special? Can I ask her? Should I ask her this? _"Ehm... Sara? You... you..."

She smiled at him, didn't look away. He didn't have to finish his sentence; she laid her index finger on his lips. "Yes, I called you 'Gil'... I... I didn't know what I was doing... I... I don't know but I love to call you 'Gil', if you don't mind..."

"Honey, look at me, of course I don't mind. I was just... surprised that you did. Okay?"

She moved towards him and laid her head on his shoulder. "Hold me..." She mumbled the words. He drew her towards him, her back touched him now and he embraced her with his arms. She crawled in his arms; he held her even closer to him. "Sara... I love you..."

"Hmmm..." She moved her shoulders and he let her go.

"Shall I make breakfast for us? I know... it's..." He checked his watch. "It's almost 6, so it's technically not breakfast, but... when I think of the time we have slept, I consider it as breakfast."

"Breakfast? Sounds like a good idea..." She sighed. "I... I want to cook some dinner for us when... when I'm able again."

"I love cooking for you, even though I'm not good at it. And Sara, I _will_ cook for you until you're feeling well enough." He moved from the bed and turned around. "I'm going to bake you some pancakes, if that's okay with you. You can just stay here, make yourself comfortable. There are laying magazines over there; I guess the one on the top may draw your interest. There's a fascinating article about a new refined theory to make a time line, one of the best forensic entomologist from the USA wrote it, I think you might be interested in what she wrote."

"Okay, I will read it. What's the name of the magazine?"

"It's 'Journal of Medical Entomology'. Usually, the articles are about the link between insects and diseases, but sometimes there are forensic articles too."

Sara nodded. "Okay, then I want to read it."

* * *

He walked over to the pile of magazines and took the one on the top. "It's on page 23." He put on the light above the bed and Sara took the magazine and looked at the front page. She flipped through the pages until she arrived at the right page. 

Grissom walked to the door and walked out. Before he closed the door completely, he watched her through the chink of the door. She was lying on her side, her face to the door. She was half covered by the blanket, only her legs were covered. Her left arm lay under her head, to lift it, and with her right hand she touched the pages of the magazine, she followed the lines she was reading. She seemed to be focused; she didn't notice that he was watching her. He smiled and reminded himself that he had a job to do. He closed the door and walked to the kitchen.

He took the frying pan out of the drawer and put it on the gas cooker. His mind, though, was not with the pancakes he had to make, but with her. He realized that he needed her, that he wanted her and that he couldn't live a life without her. When he woke up today, by the kiss on his cheek, he felt such warmth inside, things he had never felt before. He had never truly thought that he would _ever_ do this with Sara. He had wanted it, he had imagined it, but he always considered these fantasies as unrealistic. Now she was his, he didn't doubt that anymore, he knew he didn't have to worry. And even though he tried very hard to be there for her, to be caring and optimistic, he couldn't hide the feeling of fear.

_She could have been dead. She could have died at the operation table; she could have been six feet under right now. _He shivered and stared at the refrigerator. _Come on, Gil, she's not dead; you don't have to think about that. She's alive, she's perfectly alive, and the only think you should think about right now is to cook. She needs to be fed, that's the only thing that counts. _

He couldn't. He couldn't stop thinking about the fact that he could have lost her for good. The two weeks she was in the hospital, he had pushed that feeling away; he was too concerned to think about the fact that she could have been killed. Strangely, now that she was here and that she was perfectly alive, he thought about her, lying on a metal layer in a cold morgue. Or even worse, lying on a hospital bed, knowing that she never was going to wake again, but too stubborn to die. He couldn't handle the idea that he could have been the person to decide to shut the machines and let her die.

_She could have been dead, Gil, she could have died. _

He felt cold as ice when he realized that she had been so lucky to survive. He remembered the conversation he had with Catherine, on the phone. He didn't have had the time to freak out; he just hurried to the hospital. The memory of the ride was blurry and almost black. He remembered the traffic lights; he remembered that his cell phone rang but that he had shut it. He remembered that he locked his car, for some strange reason he didn't remember his way to the hospital hall. He remembered Catherine's concerned reaction, her close hug. He appreciated the fact that she had been there.

He remembered Sara lying on the bed, the pale skin, the artificial respiration, the cold hand, the yelling to him when he tried to go to the operation room. For one moment he had thought that she was going to die there, for one moment he had felt that she didn't have a chance. He remembered that he decided not to think about his own feelings from that moment on. She had needed him, she still needed him.

_But I can't push away my feelings right now, is that bad for her? Do I harm her if I allow myself to have feelings? Can I take care of her as good as I admit my emotions? _

He didn't know what to do, and he walked to the refrigerator to take a bottle of milk out of it. He banged his head to the metal of the door and closed his eyes. He knew that he was wrong, that he had to show his feelings.

_I need to talk with her, I need to tell her what I have been though when she was in the hospital, but is she interested in that? Is that something she has to know? I need to tell it to someone, I need to tell her, but wouldn't it interrupt her healing process? Is she strong enough to talk to me about this? _

He sighed and decided not to think anymore and just to focus on the pancakes he had to make. He opened the refrigerator and sighed again.

* * *

She set the magazine aside. The article _had_ indeed been interesting, exactly as she had expected. _He always shows me such great stuff._ She smiled and closed her eyes for a brief moment. 

_I have been so lucky to be here, to have him here with me, loving me. I feel so auspicious that he still is in love with me, after all the things that happened. After all the times he tried and I pushed him away, because I didn't want him to hurt me. After all the times I tried and he couldn't try. After all the mental outbursts I had and he had to comfort me. _

_What does he think about me? Does he think that I'm an emotional wreck? Someone with serious problems caused by her traumatizing past? A broken person? He must know that this is wrong! That I'm quite weak right now is due to the medication and the accident, not at any of my mental issues. I'm perfectly healthy, mentally. Everything is fine, he has to know that._

She shrugged and changed position. She knew that she had to be glad that she woke up next to him. _He is so sweet to me, I love him, God, I love him more than anything in the world. _She wanted him to be close to her. And he had been close to her, not just this morning but all through the weeks she had spent in the hospital.

Her mind went back to the time she had spent there. He had been there for her, at her side, for almost all the time. She knew that he was there for her, not just as someone she worked with, but much more than that. She didn't want to believe this at the first, but when they talked, since he had given her that necklace, she felt that they had a chance. And they _had_ a chance, she knew that.

He wanted to be the father of her baby, but there was more. He loved _her_, not just as the mother of his child, but as Sara Sidle. Not just as an employee of the Las Vegas Crime Lab, but as the woman she was, Sara Sidle. And she didn't want to mess up this time; she wanted to keep him close to her. This morning had been great, waking up in his arms, kissing him awake.

_This is what I have always dreamed of. It all feels so unreal._

That he was her _boyfriend_ now was something she had to get used to. Calling him 'Gil' today hadn't been a surprise for her though. She hadn't planned it, but it just slipped out of her mouth. It felt good though; it seemed less distant than the short version of his surname as anyone seemed to call him. Still, this all frightened her a bit.

_How is he going to react to me if I'm better? If I'm going to work again, with him... can he react as Grissom, the supervisor? I don't think I can respond to him like I used to do. What if Ecklie finds out our relationship? One of us is going to take a step back then, but... I don't want him to do that, his work is his life; never... he doesn't have to lose his job because of me. Even if he says that he's okay with it, I'm sure he isn't. _

She sighed and moved her hands to her temples. She felt that the medications were going to work, she felt somewhat dizzy, but the pain had disappeared, not completely, but it felt better than it had felt before.

_I'm so lucky to be here, in his home, in his bed. _

Her thoughts reached the moment she had been hit by the bullet. In all the time after the hit, she didn't want to think about it. She was just too afraid how she might react; she had pushed away the feelings. Deep in her heart, she knew that it was wrong. She tried carefully to gauge how far she could go back now. She didn't remember the bullet hitting her, but if she tried to think hard enough, she could get the moment with Catherine back. She remembered Catherine, begging her to stay with her, whispering things... She didn't remember words, but the tone of her voice had never really disappeared off her mind.

The pain, she still felt the pain she had felt back then. Her heart, pumping the blood through her system, desperately trying to keep her alive. She remembered that her breathing was not normal; she didn't understand what was wrong. The pain... the killing pain, flamed through her body. If she went deep enough, she still could feel it.

Her lips trembled, but she swallowed the present fear away. _I have to go back, if I don't, I will never really recover from the scars I have. I will always be afraid; I have to go through my fears._

She still remembered how scared she was when she was lying in the hospital bed. She still heard the monitors beeping all around her, the IV's in her arm, the wires, the oxygen mask on her mouth, preventing her from saying things. She still felt as helpless as she had felt then, too tired to do anything but awake enough to notice that everything was wrong. Too tired to open your eyes and look at the world around, but too pained to sleep well.

But the fact that he had been with her, holding her hand, the fact that he had been close to her as often as he could, meant the world to her. She still heard the voices of the doctors around her.

_They must have thought that I was sleeping... _

They thought that she was going to die... At that moment, Sara's eyes widened. She hadn't thought about it, but suddenly she realized how close she had come to dying.

_If Catherine had come some minutes later, I would have been dead. If the surgeons had done something wrong, I would have been dead. If they... would have considered me too weak, I wouldn't be... pregnant anymore. Would Grissom still have loved me if I... had lost this little one? I could have been dead; I really could have died... _

_I have been so selfish, I must have thought about him too, he must have gone through a hard period and all I did was thinking about me. His whole world was about comforting me, and... He didn't think about himself. He had sacrificed himself completely for me, and that's not good. It's wrong, it's so wrong, I have been so self-centered. God, if I had realized it then, it all had been so different... _

She felt a tear slipping down on her cheek and she wiped it away with the back of her hand.

_I could have been dead... I just could have been dead! I just could have fallen in a coma and never be able to wake up again. Oh, God, I have been so close, so awfully close to death... _

Now she realized that she wanted him to hold her, to comfort her in his arms. She swung her two legs out of the bed, leveraged her body with her hands and stood up her legs. The world waved around her, but she didn't care. She laid her hand on the wall for support and opened the door of the living room. There she stopped, hoping that he would see her and carry her to a place where she was safe. He looked up when she knocked on the door and immediately noticed that there was something wrong. He put off the gas, laid the fork on the kitchen sink and walked to her. 

He twined his arms around her. She pressed her head in his shirt and started to cry. She didn't have the strength to say anything and gladly he just let her sob. They stood there, in the middle of the living room, the smell of pancakes surrounding them. He was clearly having a hard time, he struggled between his own emotions and comforting her. _I have to be there for her now, I can't start crying now. _He whispered her name. She still hadn't stopped crying. "I was so scared... so scared. I just... I don't know, I thought about... you, the accident, I just... realized that..." She couldn't finish the sentence.

"Shh.. it's okay... You're safe now. Shh, Sara, please stop crying..." She let out a last sob and looked at him. Before he could do anything, she wiped away her tears with her arm and tried to walk away. He stopped her. "Sara... you okay?"

She nodded. "Yeah, I just... I realized how... close I have been to... dying. I could have been dead..." Her words faded away.

He walked to her and embraced her again. "It's okay..." He guided her to the couch, supporting her while she shuffled. He made her sit there and walked to the kitchen. "The pancakes are ready." She nodded and waited on the couch for the pancakes to come her way.

* * *

**Please leave a review!**


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: Please read this first. Lyrics below are NOT mine. It's by a song, called "Looking in the eyes of love", written by Tricia Walker and Kostas Lazarides, performed by "The Corrs" and available on the In Blue Special Edition CD. I don't own the lyrics and I will never claim them as mine. If you are and you are sure that the lyrics have to be deleted, please email me first. Then I will delete them MYSELF! Please don't delete the story...  
**Having said that... :) This chap has taken me really much effort. I had to take a step back from it, but I believe that things are going well between Clarity and me. Thanks to: All the **Reviewers**, **Myra, Kristy, Cybrokat, Snow.**I hope you will enjoy this chap as much as I enjoyed writing it.

* * *

**Chapter 18**

The music was playing softly in the background. It was a CD with various songs composed by Sara. The music was slow, easing, definitely something else than the Evanescence CD Sara got from Jena. They sat on the couch together as Grissom held her close to him. She had her legs curled up on the couch, her hands laid on her pregnant belly. She was looking at the burning candle on the table in front of her. She knew she had to talk now. They had eaten the pancakes, he had done the dishes, and she had grabbed another magazine and read. Now they were sitting on the couch, the silence was uncomfortable. They both knew that they needed to have a conversation, but neither of them knew how to start it.

_Is it not possible to sit here, at least for now? I really don't want to talk right now... I don't want to feel the way I felt again. I don't want to remember what it was, in the hospital, the helplessness, the pain, the disability to do anything. I don't want to panic again; I don't want to be hurt again. Not when he's with me, I don't want him to see me like that. He isn't pushing me, but I can feel that he wants to know why I was acting like that. Why can't he just let me sit here, hold me and let me fall asleep against his shoulder? _

She sighed, knowing that _she _probably would be the one to start the conversation.

"Gris... about tonight... I just... I..."

She tried to push away the scary images in her mind. She knew she was slipping again, she felt that she began to shiver. Desperately she tried to smile, hoping that the false gesture would convince him that she was okay. For one moment, she felt that she could betray herself too, but the feeling she felt grew stronger with every second she breathed. Her eyes filled themselves with tears; she looked away from him, hoping that he wouldn't notice.

_Come on, Sidle, don't start crying now. Control your fear. Focus on the light of the candle, just focus. It will be okay, they are just images in your head. Just images, just feelings. They are not real; they are just in your head. You are sitting here, in his arms, there's no need to be afraid._

She inhaled deeply and tried madly to push the tears away. She didn't succeed; they started to fall down her cheeks slowly. Grissom noticed them in the light of the candles, and drew her to himself. Sara pushed herself away from him and tried to turn away.

_I don't want him to see me like this. I don't want him to think that I can't handle it. I can do it on my own. Just give me a minute, I'll be fine. Just one minute..._

Grissom touched her hand. "Sara?"

_Don't call me, not now. Doesn't he see that I'm having a hard time? Can't he just leave me alone?_

"I... I'm fine."

"No, you're not."

And that was the last thing she needed. That was the last straw. She started to cry vehemently, there was no mind trick that could stop her from sobbing. She placed her head in her hands, pressed against her knees. Her shoulders shook, she shivered. He moved closer to her, and embraced her with his arm. He tried to comfort her, but was partly unable through his own emotions.

_God, not now. Don't let the tears come now. I need to be there for her, I can't break down. I can't have emotions right now; I have to be there for her._

He carefully made her sit close to him, made her head lay down on his chest. That she was sobbing made it even worse for him. He realized that she was crying for the same reason as he was, and that made it even harder for him to hide his feelings. He felt tears coming in his eyes. _I can't push them away, I can't hide it anymore. _He closed his eyes and a single tear slipped away down his left cheek.

Sara was the first to look up. "Gris... I... I am so..." Her lips trembled. "I could have been dead... you would never have known... about the little one... we would never have... been together... you just..."

She pressed herself to himself even more closely, to find support. "I... I just thought at the time... in the hospital... I went back, I could feel the pain. I felt the fear again... I was so afraid, Gris, I was so afraid..." He felt that another tear slipped down his cheek. Silence fell between them; she buried her face into his shirt, and started to sob again.

"I almost lost you. Sara, I was afraid too."

He whispered the words and she looked up, forgetting to sob for a short time.

_God, he is crying over me. He is just crying because he felt that he lost me. _

She didn't have the strength to smile at him, but it made her feel a little bit better.

_At least I'm not the only one with these feelings. _

She crawled to him; he laid her arm around her. They silenced. "Sara...?"

She nodded.

"You... you can't deal with it... can you?" _What a way of phrasing... there's no way that she can answer this properly... Very good, Gil, very good._

She was quiet for a very long time, and then slowly shook her head.

_What am I going to say now? That she needs therapy? Now she finally trusts me I'm going to advice her therapy? How idiotic can I be, she'll never trust me again. Though... it's the best for her, she can't deal with it alone. I'll be there for her, but... how do I convince her that this is the best for her?_

"Sara? If you want to talk... you know... I'll be there for you..."

_He's so sweet to me... and I need to talk... I'm not sure I can do it now, but I know I have to._

"Thanks... I... I want to... talk."

She looked at him and wiped her tears away. She inhaled deeply. "I just..."

She paused, and thought of what she was going to say now. There was no way that she could go back now, she _had_ to talk. She appreciated that he waited for her to be strong enough to continue. Her eyes met his, and she noticed that he looked at her with great concern. She gave him a weak smile and looked away.

"I... was lying in the bed and... I... I hadn't thought about... the accident... when I was in the hospital, it all was too close to me, I pushed away my feelings. The only thing that mattered was to get better, I thought. I smiled and thought that I was okay... everyone thought that I was okay. I... I knew that I wasn't, but somehow this thought didn't make sense. I... always pushed my feelings away..."

She whispered the last words. She took his hand and squeezed it. "I... tonight I thought how close I have been, how easily I could have died... and I... couldn't handle it. Suddenly, I felt the pain again, the fear, you have no idea, but it was so scary. I just thought of... you... me... and... I could have lost you, Gris, I could have lost you. And now, I don't want to. I... I need you, I need you so much, and I thought... felt... if Catherine had been too late, I felt so sorry for you, for everyone, and I was so scared... so scared..."

She sobbed twice and swallowed. "I have been so selfish... you only thought about me, you sacrificed yourself for me... that's not good. You forgot yourself, your life was about me and that's so wrong. I'm so sorry for that, so sorry..."

He looked at her, and felt so sorry for her. _She has to know that this is not true; she has not been selfish, not at all. Why does she think that she has been self-centered? I have been there for her, but that's just normal, she needed me and I just was there. Why is she feeling this way?_

"Sara... what you think is not true. You haven't been selfish at all. You needed me, and I was there for you. It's normal, you are absolutely not selfish. I will take care of you, as long as you need me. I will be there for you, Sara. Anytime."

She pulled herself close to him, listened to the sound of his heartbeat when she placed her head to his chest. "Gris... I... I think I'm... I'm not okay... I know it..."

She looked at him, although there were tears in her eyes, she didn't look the way she looked before anymore. She had changed a bit. That she had admitted that she was not okay had changed her mood, she didn't have to pretend anymore. The heavy burden had fallen from her shoulders.

"Hold me..."

He took her in his arms, warmed her with the heat of his body. She closed her eyes, not because she was tired, but because she wanted to think. She was not afraid anymore; she felt safe in his arms. She trusted him, and she trusted him that she hadn't been selfish. _If he says that, it is probably true. _She also thought about his words. _He's there for me; he told me that he is. But somehow I feel that... talking won't be enough this time... _

He was watching her from the corner of his eyes. He noticed that she had closed her eyes, but she was not sleeping.

_She needs help, not just from me, but from a professional. I will be there for her, behind her, beside her, but I can't fix her problems. She needs to see someone, and I'll be there with her. I'll go with her; I will not leave her alone. But how am I going to convince her that she has to go to therapy? _

He knew he had to say it to her, face to face. He couldn't fence, she would only protect herself by saying that she was okay, and he would never have a good conversation with her again. At least, he felt that way.

_Now I only have to find the right moment. And the words._

He searched in his head, but every phrase he tried, didn't work._ Come on, Gil, just say it to her. You'll never know how she will react, you can always try it_. He looked at her again, trying to find the strength to continue.

"Sara?"

"Hmm?"

_Great way of starting a conversation Gil._

"Sara... ehm. I... I really think that... that you need to see someone..."

_Seeing someone... Even greater. She's seeing me already. Clarity, Gil, clarity is a good thing._

"Someone to talk to... apart from me. Someone to help you. A... psychologist..."

_That's said. That's out. _He was waiting how she would react. She looked up, but her expression told him nothing. _What is she thinking? Bad idea, right? She's mad, isn't she? She's angry at me that I told her. But I can't say anything to her right now, everything I say will be wrong._

After a very long time of silence, she nodded. "You're right." She bit on her lip, again.

_She's saying that I was right about therapy? She confessed it so easily. How? Does she mean she feels the same way about it? What am I going to say now?_

Grissom had thought this would be a long conversation and the early confession made him a little uncomfortable. He didn't expect this. "You want to go to therapy?"

She nodded again. "Yeah... that might be a good idea. Though, since... I have seen a lot of psychologists in my youth... most of them weren't helpful at all, but... maybe I have to give them a second chance... I know that I can't do this alone and I know you want to talk with me... but that isn't enough. I want to... to be able to... live normally, without waking up from nightmares. Without these thoughts... images."

She laid her head back on his chest. "You want to go with me? At least at my... first appointment?"

"Of course." He touched her hair with his fingers.

"Thank you... I've said this a lot I know but... I really love you."

He was touched by her words. _Of course it's normal that I do this, but she thinks it's special._ "You're special to me... Sara, I... love you too. I just realized that I... that I can't spend another day without you. I need you... I... I could have lost you..."

This time it was Sara who had to calm him down. "Sh... it's okay. I'm alive... I love you, we'll be together. Forever... I know, I have never been a cheesy person but... it's true. I will love you, always."

He held her hand even closer to him. He noticed the music, and looked at her. _I want to dance with her. Can I do that? Won't she turn me down? Would she be too tired to move? I can only try, can't I?_ He placed her off him, she opened her eyes and confusion filled her gaze. He stood up, but still held her hand. "Do you want to dance with me, Sara Sidle?" _What is she thinking? She isn't saying yes... does this mean she'll turn me down? And if she does, does this have consequences for us?_ After the confusion, her face brightened up with a warm smile. She stood up and walked with him to the middle of the room. She noticed the lyrics of the song she knew well, very well.

_I wonder should I tell you  
__About all the crazy things that I have done  
__I've been hiding all my life  
__When I should have stayed  
__I tried to run_

She felt him coming close to her. She was not in the mood for a wild dance, but it seemed he just wanted to hold her. She smiled and closed her eyes. _Has he chosen this music to dance with me? Has he listened to the lyrics carefully? Or is this just a spur of the moment? _She felt him slipping his hands to her waist. He laid her hands down on his shoulders.

_I was searching for an answer  
__In a world so full of strangers  
__But what I found was never really enough  
__Now that I've found you  
__I'm looking in the eyes of love  
__- In the eyes of love -_

Grissom held her tightly. _Oh, she is so beautiful. Her waist is warm, warmer than my hands_. He knew that she eased on the music, she knew the song. He hadn't chosen the music, but when he heard the slow guitar at the beginning, he hadn't doubted: this was the song he wanted to dance with her. And he had been right; the song described his mood perfectly though he couldn't focus on the lyrics completely, she drew his attention away.

_Baby you've been good to me  
__Oh, so much more that you could know, yeah, yeah  
__I never thought that I would find  
__Someone who's so sweet and kind  
__Like you_

She shivered. She didn't know why she was warm. _Maybe the lyrics make me shiver..._ She locked her mind off; she wanted to focus on _him_, not on the song. She already had pushed away the conversation; she didn't want to think about the therapy. Not yet. She laid her head against his shoulder.

_Please believe me when I say_

_This time I won't run away  
__I swear be all the heaven's stars above  
__Now that I've found you  
__I'm looking in the eyes of love_

He looked at her though the corner of his eyes. The expression on her face was just perfect, her eyes were closed, but he felt that she was thinking of him. He moved his hands to her back, bared it by curling her shirt up. He twirled her around, holding her tight to him.

_Looking in the eyes of love  
__I can see forever, yeah  
__I can see you and me  
__Walking in this world together_

She heard him whisper her name, still she didn't look up. She liked the feeling he gave her: very warm, but still calm. The intimacy was very intense, and she liked the feeling. _I have never thought that I would do this with him. Ever, but now I am, I really love it. I never thought that he would be so sweet, but he really is. _She caressed his shoulders with her hands.

_Oh, my heart's found a hope  
__I've been dreaming of  
__Now that I've found you  
__I'm looking in the eyes of love_

He accidentally crossed her skin with his right hand when it moved up. She didn't look at him though. He caressed her hair. _It is so soft..._ He smelled her hair, knowing she had washed it today. It smelled like the shampoo he had brought for her a week ago. He was glad that she liked it so much that she preferred it to her own shampoo that she had with her in her overnight bag. He must have chosen the right perfume for her if she liked to use it that much.

_Looking in the eyes of love  
__I can see - forever - I can see forever  
__I can see you and me  
__Walking in this world together_

She felt sad that the song had almost ended. She wanted to dance with him a lot more. She wasn't used to doing these intimate things with someone, but she felt very comfortable with it. And so did he, she noticed. During the whole song, she had her eyes closed; now she wished that she had been able to see him. Still, she resisted the temptation and kept her eyes closed. She wanted to feel him for the last couple of seconds.

_Oh, my heart's found a hope  
__I've been dreaming of  
__Now that I've found you, I've found you  
__I'm looking in the eyes of love, yeah  
__Oh_

The song faded away. They both still had closed their eyes. She was the first to look up. She lifted herself on the tip of her toes and kissed him on his mouth. She took his hand and his hands moved to her shoulders. He twined his arms around her and embraced her carefully. He whispered words in her ear. "I have some movies... do you want to watch one with me, Sara?"

She seemed surprised. "Ehm... sure. What movie?"

He let her go and walked to the table. He looked at the title of it. "Ehm... it's called 'Serendipity'. You know it?"

She looked at him. "Ehm... Gris? Did you search for this movie yourself?"

"Why?"

"Because this is... ehm... a girl's movie... it's not your style, believe me..."

"In what way?"

"It's ehm... romantical... well, if you did, I was wrong about you. I thought you only watched documentaries about... bugs. I never thought you watched romantic movies."

He looked at her. "To be honest, Catherine chose this movie. Well, she forced me to watch this with you, I didn't have a choice. But I really would love to watch this with you, really. Still, I think it's... interesting... I mean... you know San Francisco really well and so do I. And she's called Sara..."

He opened the drawer of the DVD-player and placed the DVD in it. "Let's watch it?"

She settled down at the couch. "Yeah, that's fine."


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N:**Very sorry that it took me so long to update! I had a huge writers blockade, I couldn't go on with it for a very long time. But I think I managed to get rid of it. Well, that's what I said last time, but now I really believe that it is over. If you're here and read it, thanks for being so patient with me. Ehm. Thanks to: **Everyone** who took the time to read this. **Every** reviewer. Special thanks to: **Cybrokat, Kristy87, Carmen, Myra (SaraSidleGrissom), Sarah Goldfinger, Billy & Jorja. **That's it. I really hope you like this. I took the time to skip something, you were right that it was somewhat all of the same. I hope this still has your attention. :)

* * *

**About two weeks later.**

"You got everything? Bag? Purse? Money? List? You know where to go right? You know the city quite well right? Because... well, Nick showed me quite a lot, but I have no idea where I can find these stores." She closed her eyes and shared a smile with herself. "We didn't search for... baby clothes..."

Sara slowly bent forward to her sister. She lifted her hand and placed it on Jena's shoulder. "Jena, relax. We'll find them. I have printed addresses for us... we'll find them."

Jena and Sara were standing at the back of the car, Sara's car. It was almost two in the afternoon, and they had decided to go shopping for maternity clothes. Sara put the key in the lock and opened the trunk. She put her bag in it, and gestured to Jena to do the same. She closed the trunk and looked at Jena. "You want to drive?"

Jena nodded at Sara. "Yeah, for sure. I won't let you drive now. Keys please."

Sara threw the keys to her and Jena caught them with her right hand, letting them almost fall out of her hands after she caught them. Sara turned around, placed her hand on the upper side of the car for support and hobbled to the passenger's side. Her hand slowly moved to the door-handle and her fingers slipped to open it. She moved her hand to the seat, put her weight on the seat and settled herself down on her chair. While she waited for Jena to come in to the car as well, she took the mirror from the sun-blocker and looked at herself. Her hair was pony-tailed, as normal: she didn't pay much attention to the way her hair looked. Some hairs were falling before her eyes, and that started to annoy her. She brushed a sting of hair behind her ear. She smiled at her own reflection and put it back.

In the meantime, Jena had entered the car, slammed the door and put on the seatbelt. She laid the keys on the dashboard, and looked at Sara from the corner of her eye. Sara didn't notice it. "You have changed, you know that?"

Sara turned her head to Jena. "In what aspect?"

Jena took her hand, looked at it. It was almost like she was going to read the lines, but she put it back on Sara's lap. "You know? I think... I don't know what it's the real reason, but since you and Grissom are together, you're... glowing in some way. Last time I visited you, with the concert, you seemed... somewhat depressed, even though you were really trying to hide it from me. I noticed it, but now... you seem... happier, finally at your place. Which is strange, because... you have been going through a terrible period. Sara, I'm glad you're... smiling again."

Sara gave that thought some time. _Was_ she happier now? More smiley? Glowing? She didn't notice it but when Jena told her, it felt right. So it might be true, though she didn't want to talk about it. Not now at least. She smiled to Jena. "Drive, okay?" Jena got the hint and started the motor. She drove away.

They arrived at the store. "We're not going to leave until we found something. Sara, I must warn you: you're not going to hide, you have to shop. I know you, you don't like shopping but you have to buy something now. And I'm going to make sure that you actually _buy_ things. You need them. And not just some silly black blouse, but something _nice_. Something colorful, I mean, it's spring now."

Sara slowed her passes. She looked at Jena, with a raised eyebrow. "What's wrong with black blouses?"

"Nothing, but... you have only five months left until delivery. I want you to look pretty, okay? And you can tell me that you don't care, but I know that at least _Grissom_ cares. Yeah, you might be surprised, but I know that guys look at the clothes of woman."

"How do you know?"

"Come on... I talked to him. He didn't say it with those words, but... I know his kind of guys... he doesn't seem to care, but deep in his heart, he does. And he didn't give you his credit card for nothing, not for just a pile of black blouses and comfortable pants. He... made me promise that I should let you buy... things. Nice things."

Before Sara could say something to convince Jena that she was wrong, Jena took Sara's upper arm and dragged her to the mall. She took huge passes. Sara was stubborn at the first, she stood still, her heels on the stones; she didn't want to go there, but later on, she became aware that her resistance wouldn't make any sense: Jena would get her there, if she needed to be carried. Her hand moved to Jena's grip, and tried to loosen it. She inhaled deeply. "Okay, okay, slow down. I'll come, okay?"

Jena stopped, and looked apologetically to her. "Sorry sis, didn't mean it that way. I just... thought you had to come. I didn't know that... I didn't think, I didn't think about... your pregnancy, sorry..."

Sara smiled and embraced her sister. "It's okay." She laughed out loud, giggling. She shook her head and looked down. "Let's have fun today, shall we?"

They walked in, arm in arm, and looked around. Jena walked straight to the summer clothes. She moved the clothes like she was flipping through a magazine. But with every shirt she noticed, she shook her head shortly, as a sign of rejection. Until she came at the blue flowered shirts. She caressed the fabric of it, and it seemed that she liked what she felt. "What do you think of this one?" She took the coat-hanger off the rack, and waved it around. Sara was standing some feet away from her. She walked closer, curious about the choice that Jena had made. When she saw the whole shirt, she stood there, doubtfully.

_Shall I take it? The color is nice... not too eye-catching, but... I'm not so sure about the neckline. It's... low_. _Is Jena sure that I am the right person to wear this?_

She closed her eyes to think for a moment. Then she shrugged. "Yeah, whatever. But Jena... you know me... isn't it too... low for me?"

Jena put the shirt aside and looked tiredly at Sara. She put a disbelievingly expression on her face and raised her eyebrow. "We went over this already, right? Your breasts are perfect to me, there's no way that this shirt is too low. You should be proud of what you have. You should be proud of your body."

Sara sighed. "Put it in the basket." Jena smiled and looked at the other clothes.

When they had found enough to satisfy Jena, they walked to the fitting rooms. Jena handed all the coat racks to Sara, who put them on the hook inside. Jena moved to the chairs at the table and poured herself a cup of coffee. She took a magazine from the pile; it was the last edition of 'Vogue' and started to read it: this was going to take a while.

Sara closed the curtains. She was really thankful that the fitting room was big: she had her own chair and mirror to look in. _Now, where shall I start? _She picked the yellow top with the Chinese sign on it and smelled the fabric. It smelled new, and good. She unbuttoned her coat and laid it on the chair. She looked in the mirror, moved her hair out of her face and smiled at her own reflection. Jena had been right, she _was_ glowing. She slipped her hand down on her belly and posed herself in a side-position in front of the mirror. She didn't mind that she was not that slim anymore now, she actually liked the way she looked. She closed her eyes and slipped her hands down the underside of her shirt to undress herself.

With a basket full of cloths, Jena and Sara went to the check-out. The salesman scanned all the price tags and showed the two women the amount of money they had to play. Sara turned to Jena, visibly not prepared to pay the huge price she had to pay. "I can't do it. It's his money; he didn't give me it for so much." Her cheeks turned red when she looked back at the salesman. "I am sorry, I can't do this. I-"

Jena interrupted her. "Sara, you saw his credit card? It's platinum. You know how much credit is on it? Think twice: if he gave you this credit card, he knows that you are going to shop, _seriously_ going to shop. You don't have to worry about it, I promised him to let you shop, _seriously _shop. He _wants_ you to buy this. And you should, you know how beautiful it all looked on you? Don't worry, sis." Sara opened her mouth, willing to say something back to Jena, but then realized that she couldn't bring something against her arguments. Jena could be right. When she went to give 'Roy' her credit card, her cell phone rang. She picked it out of her purse and pushed the green button. "Sidle"

"Hey honey, it's me."

Sara smiled brightly and gave Jena the credit card. She gestured that she was going to the front of the store to call a bit in private. "Hey... you're just awake?"

"Yeah, I was about to eat my breakfast. You okay?"

"Yes, I am."

"Not tired? In pain? If you are, you need to come home, okay? And don't be so stubborn to go on then. Sara, please come home if you are not feeling well."

Sara sighed. "Gil, I am fine. Really fine. And if I am not feeling well, I come back, okay? I promise."

"I just wanted to know if you were alright."

"How can't I be? If something is wrong... Jena is here with me, you call me multiple times a day... not that I mind... but you don't have to. By the way... you already talked to Ecklie? I really want to come back as quick as possible, I really miss my job."

"I did. And you can't come back now. You're still too weak to be in the field, and Ecklie doesn't want you to be there for anything less than 100 percent. I tried to convince him that he was wrong, but I couldn't. I'm sorry."

"Come on, that's harassment. He just doesn't want us to be together, right? That's the reason. I really want to work again, I can be there, and I can do anything he wants, even paperwork. I remember when he broke his leg and had to be in the lab for six weeks, and no one complained. Now it's because of you and me, he suddenly has his _rule_. It's... unfair."

"I know Sara. But there's nothing I can do about it. Again, I'm very sorry. I was surprised that he didn't have a problem with us... though we still need to have a conversation with him, you know that?"

"What? We need to talk to Ecklie about us? What the..."

"Not about us, but... he might demote me. I don't want to discuss this on the phone, though... forget about it, please Sara...But... you're enjoying your time?"

_He wants me to forget what he just said? He wants me to replace it in my head? Demotion... Ecklie doesn't want him to be a supervisor anymore. He finally had his chance, and it was not because of something he did. It was because of me. I am the reason that Ecklie has the opportunity to... fire him. That's what he wants, right? That's what Ecklie is going to do. And all because of me, because of the fact that I am pregnant. If I hadn't been pregnant, I wouldn't be in a relationship with him. If that night hadn't happened, he wouldn't have..._

"Sara?"

"Yeah... I'm still here"

Her answer seemed to come from really far away. She stared in the distance; she lingered with her back to the stone wall of the store she just visited. Although she was looking at a very busy street, with lots of traffic and noise, she didn't pay attention to the buzz surrounding her. For now, it was just her and her thoughts. And the phone, though it was pushed far away in her thoughts. _He's going to lose his job because of me..._ That was the thought that she repeated over and over again in her head.

"Sara!"

"Yes... yes, I'm here..."

"You okay, honey? You need to close your mind a little. I shouldn't have talked about this over the phone. Forget what I just said, and remember: whatever Ecklie is going to do, I will accept it. I love you more than my job Sara, remember that."

Silence fell between them. Sara was thinking and Grissom didn't know what more to say to her. Sara moved her left hand to her cheek and touched it. She hid the left part of her face in her hand, while the right hand was still holding the cell phone.

"Alright. I'll try to... get rid of my thoughts. But-"

"No buts at this moment. You're having fun with Jena?"

"Yeah, I am. Jena... I bought a huge amount of clothes, it was so expensive... but Jena said... I'm sorry if it is too expensive..."

"Sara, listen to me. As long as you are happy, it's fine to me. Don't worry, I have enough money, and I _had_ told Jena to let you buy nice things. I told her that she shouldn't worry about the amount of money. Its okay, Sara."

Sara just nodded, hoping that Grissom would understand. So it was true what Jena told her: He wanted her to buy things. She closed the thoughts for real now and smiled privately. "So... Jena and I are going to have some drinks I think, and after that, I'll come home, okay? I really want to finish what we started last night..." She flushed a little at the precious memory and waited for his response. _Would he feel the same way about it?_

"Me too. See you then, okay?"

"Bye."

She pushed the red button and turned her head. Directly, she stared in the eyes of her younger sister. With great tease in her eyes and her hands full of the bags with clothes, Jena looked back.

"Finish what you started... tell me..."

Sara opened her mouth to say something back and closed it again. Unbelief filled her eyes; a huge frown presented itself on her forehead. She was distracted, didn't know what to say. "I... I ehm..." After this stumble, she packed herself again, and looked firmly to her sister. "Jena, it's none of your business. Whatever we did, it's not your business. A little privacy, please..."

Of course, Sara knew damn well that her sister had such a suspicious mind that she wouldn't stop bugging her until she had told her the whole story. Jena still stood in front of her, looking at her with huge fascination. Slowly, she shook her head, still with the scornful expression on her face. She loved it that Sara was embarrassed, and Sara knew that Jena did. "Dear sister, there's no way that you are not going to tell me."

Sara tossed her hair behind her ear. She sighed heavily and pursed her lips. "Okay, maybe I'll tell you, but not here, not in the middle of the street. I really want something to drink, let's go to the bar over there..."

Jena glanced at Sara, her vision changed from tease to disbelief. "You want to drink?"

She received a raised eyebrow back as an answer, quickly followed by a shrug. "Yeah, maybe I'll tell you there. Whatever you want, me telling it there or never."

Jena shook her head, fiercely looking back. She sent a glare that, if it had been angrier, sent fire and electricity at the same time. "You're _pregnant_. You shouldn't drink; you shouldn't be around in such places anyway. You know the consequences for drinking during your pregnancy? You haven't seen the diagrams, the pictures, the statistics? You haven't read the books? What kind of mother _are_ you? You know what danger you can bring to the fetus, and still you want to drink. I thought you had finished your therapy, your counseling sessions for your DUI last year. I really thought you were smart enough to think for yourself. I-"

Sara didn't have the chance to interrupt her by shaking her head, trying to make sure that _that_ was not the point when she said she wanted to have something to drink. Her eyes shrunk and widened, and she called her name out loud. "Jena! Stop!"

Jena stopped her little tirade and glared back. "What do you want to say to make me believe that-"

"I just wanted to have something to drink, not alcohol. I wanted to ask you to have some tea, just tea. No alcohol for me, dear sister. I really pay attention to my health, don't worry, I really know what's good for me, I am an adult. I know you're just protective towards me, but I really know what's good for me. But in fact, you're right. I shouldn't go to bars right now. Your place then? I guess Nick is not home now, and even if he was, I won't mind. What do you think?"

Jena looked to the ground, like there was something interesting to see there. She dragged with her right foot on the ground. "He's... at work, probably. He..." She slipped her right hand to her left wrist and moved the fabric of the coat off the skin. She checked the time on her watch and nodded. "Yeah, he's at work now. He doesn't like to be late, and Catherine is very precise."

"So, go to his place? I think he has tea there..."

Jena knew that there was no way back now, she couldn't refuse her sister the entrance of the place she stayed, because, if she did, it would look _really_ suspicious. She couldn't find a good reason for Sara not to come over, so she just had to agree, even though how much she hated to. Sara had a suspicion, and Jena didn't like to admit that it was based on some ground. "Yeah, whatever you want. I have keys."

Sara smiled inside herself, knowing that there probably _was_ more going on between the two roommates. Going there would bring confirmation to her intuition, she felt bad that she didn't bring her UV-light with her. Though, it would be safer just to ask Jena than pretending that she was going to the bathroom and checking the sheets like she had done so many times. Both women made their way to the car.

Jena came back with a tray with a pot of tea, two cups and a dish with cookies on it. She poured the two cups full and gave one to Sara, who was sitting on the black armchair. Jena took place at the couch, legs curled up and her teacup touching her cheek. Sara smelled the tea and smiled. "It's Rooibos. You know how much I like it, right?"

Jena smiled, satisfied. "Yeah, that's why I brought it with me all the way from New York to here. You know the thing I miss the most about you, living so far away? Our afternoon tea scenes. I know how British this sounds, but I love tea in the noon. Tea and talking. We have the tea. Now the conversation. Finish _what_, Sara?"

"Oh, I never told you I was going to tell you. Privacy."

Jena glared at her, sighed like she was tired. "Come _on_! What did you do that needs to be finished?" Sara smiled, knowing that eventually, she was going to tell what happened.

_She was sitting on the bed, waiting for him to come. She was hoping that he wanted the same thing she wanted, hoping that it wasn't too early for him. She felt she was ready, more than ready, but he might disagree. She moved the straps of her bra and placed them on her shoulders again. She combed through her hair for the tenth time in the hour. She felt nervous, what if he would say 'no'? _

_Footsteps and the opening of a door. He entered the room and found her. He smiled at her. "Sara." He walked to the bed and placed himself next to her. "You look beautiful." _

_She smiled, knowing that this was one of the best compliments she could get from him. She had noticed that he had changed in the past weeks, this only confirmed her opinion. He kissed her on her cheek. "Gil?" He looked up and touched her hair with his fingers. "Yes?" _

_She changed her position and ended up somewhat away from him. "I know that... I... Do you want to... make love... with me?" He glanced at her, and shook his head. _

_He's going to say 'no' right? This thought repeated in the woman's head, again and again._

_"Sara... don't you think that it's too early for that? You're... weak, pregnant. I don't want to hurt you." _

_She looked away. "You won't hurt me. Please, please Gil, I really want it. I want to feel you, I want you to be with me, touch me, and not just lying on the bed together. Please..." She could see him shaking his head from the corner of her eye, but it was not a neglecting shake, it was more a sign of not-knowing what to do. _

_"Sara... you're sure you want this? I don't think I can do it; I don't want to hurt you. I-" _

_She moved forward and kissed him passionately. Her tongue touched his; she breathed through her nose in short breaths. She turned her head a bit; hand touched his shoulders, and then moved to his neck. She closed her eyes and let him go. "Please?" She looked up and felt that he had changed his mind. _

_"Sara, I'd love to." _

"Sara…?" From the distance, Jena's voice sounded puny to the ears of Sara Sidle. Suddenly, she became aware of the fact that she was in Nick's apartment. "Oh, sorry. I was... thinking."

"I just asked you about _what_ you two were talking about, you wouldn't answer me." Silence fell between them for quite a long time. "You made love... right? Was it good? Details, please."

Sara fiercely shook her head, and then slowly nodded. She looked at her sister, with flushed cheeks. "Yeah... we did."

"I hope Gil didn't hurt you, because if he did... if he hurt you then-" Jena really became mad with only the idea of Grissom hurting Sara.

"Jena, stop, he didn't. He didn't hurt me, he never will. Don't think that he would do that."

Jena sighed of relief. "Okay, that's good then. But... why _finish_? Didn't you finish it?"

Sara closed her eyes and smiled. "No, we didn't. He got a call from work."

_The phone rang, just when Sara had taken the last part of his clothes of his body. Sara looked at him, shaking her head. "Gil... you're not going to..." _

_Grissom touched the soft skin of Sara's breast with his thumb then took the phone from the bedside table. "Sorry, honey. I have to take it, I'm on call, you know?" _

_Sara seemed really disappointed, and then nodded: she knew how important work was for both of them. "Grissom." She could hear the person on the phone, and that made her day. It was Conrad Ecklie. But that's not what was so funny; it was more what they said. "Gil, I really hate to say this but... I need you. Body with ants, in the middle of the desert." _

_'I need you.' Conrad Ecklie told him that he needed him. Grissom looked at her and she couldn't help but burst out in light laughter. She turned around and pressed her face into some pillow to silence the sound: Conrad Ecklie wouldn't like her to be laughing and she better be friendly and nice, she wanted to work again, and preferred it to be as soon as possible. _

_She heard that Grissom was finished and turned around. He moved to her, placed his arms over her shoulders and kissed her on her nose. "Sorry, I really have to go. I'm sorry, but I have no choice." _

_Sara nodded; he really had to go. Her reasons told her that it was right, but she still felt disappointed. He moved from the bed and started to redress himself. She covered herself with the sheets and stretched herself out on the mattress. When he was done, he moved to her again. "Again, Sara, I'm so sorry. We will continue it as soon as possible, okay? You can get some sleep. I'll call you when I come home." _

_Sara nodded. "Gil... when you see Ecklie... do you want to ask when I can come to work again?" Grissom moved to the door. "Of course, Sara. Get some rest."_

Sara really felt the need to change the subject, she didn't want to detail out everything they had done. "So... I haven't heard anything from Nick lately... is he really _that_ busy?"

Jena shrugged. "Yeah, well, we're really enjoying our time together."

Sara raised her eyebrow. "Enjoying yourself... that almost sounds like being involved. So... _how_ involved _are_ you two?"

Jena's eyes became almost as large as two tea dishes. "Excuse me, young lady, isn't that a bit too forward? We're just... I'm so glad that there's at least _someone_ on this planet who likes playing race games, who likes to watch the same kind of Frankenstein movies, who is really into the same things as me. But being involved... Sara, what are you thinking about us?"

Sara smiled with the same cruelty as Jena had smiled at her when she wanted to hear Sara's story. "Well, I have no evidence, so technically I shouldn't speak about it at all. But I can follow my intuition, and yes, I know what the others have said about me, that I never try to follow my intuition, but sometimes, I do. And my intuition, or actually the red face of you, tells me that there is _more_. I always wondered about this... is he good?"

"You dirty mind! You really thought we did _that_?"

"Yes, that's what I thought. And there's nothing to feel ashamed about, having sex with someone you really love is really precious. So, my question again: is he good?"

Jena shook her head and took her glasses off. She laid them on the table, next to her empty teacup. She whispered something Sara couldn't hear. She rubbed her eyes and prepared herself for her confession. "Okay okay... we _went_ further. But not as far as you think. Hell, that guy has nice abs..."

Sara blinked. "You... didn't go further? Why not?"

"We... I know this sounds stupid... couldn't find a condom. And I didn't take my pills, so we were unprotected. I didn't want it, and he understood. So... we did everything... except for 'it'. And yes, it was good, very good. And that's everything I am going to tell you. And we _are_ going to continue it sometime; we're... planning to go somewhere. With nice room service and a balcony. Nice sheets, bathroom. He told me that we were going to take a room at the Mandalay Bay. You know if that is anything good?"

"A hotel room? You know what is there on the sheets? Body fluids of other people, you don't wanna know. Nick knows about it, I can't believe _he_ wants to go to a hotel room. I mean... gross. Even the most luxurious hotel rooms are not free of other people's body fluids. You better stay home, it's much safer. But... if you are _really_ sure that you want to go to a hotel room, the Mandalay Bay is pretty good. Expensive... beautiful, with lots of gardens. It's beautiful there."

"I don't care about body fluids. As long as I don't see it, I don't care. But... you want something to eat? I can make scones, if you want to. What's afternoon tea without scones?"

Sara shook her head and stood up from the couch. "No, thanks. I really want to go home. I want to show Gil my clothes; I want to be with him. It has nothing to do with you, but... you understand me? Is that okay?"

Jena nodded. "Yeah, sure. I'll drop you off and after that I'm going to take a hot bath. I'm beat." Sara took her coat, put it on and walked out of the apartment, followed by Jena who snagged the glasses off the table in a quick movement. She locked the door and walked her sister to the car.

When they drove off, Jena remembered that she wanted to ask Sara something. The brunette was staring through the windscreen. "Sara? I wanted to ask you something... you're going to therapy, right?" Sara nodded. "How... how is it going?"

Sara looked to Jena, who was paying attention to the traffic, but visibly was listening. "It's hard, going through all the memories again, raking up every painful and long-forgotten moment. But I have to say: it's better than I expected. Gil is coming with me the next time, just sitting in the corner, not participating, but I wanted him to be there. I know I have to go through all of this, but I don't have to do it all by myself, he's there for me. I know that I need to close my past before I can go on with my life. I would lie if I said that it was nice, but it's... good for me. That's all I want to say about it right now."

Jena smiled. Finally her sister had taken the time to think about her past. And Jena was glad that she was finally coming to terms with it now. With these thoughts, she drove further.

"Jena ? I'm really glad for you two. Nick is a great guy, he's one of my best friends. I really hope you two become happy together, you'll make a great couple."

Jena radiated brightly. "Thank you… that means a lot to me. You're… the best sister I can have." When the car stopped for the traffic light, Jena planted a kiss on Sara's cheek. Sara didn't expected this, snorted and shook her head. Together they drove home.

* * *

**A/N: Please tell me what you thought about it :)**


	20. Chapter 20

A/N: It's been a while... and I feel very sorry for that. I have been very busy with my new uni life etc etc, but right now I found a little time to write so here it is. I hope you forgive me for the lack of updates and enjoy it :) Thanks to Myra and Mel, for reading and supporting. If you want to, leave a review, I would appreciate that :)

* * *

**Chapter 20**

"Have a seat."

He held the door open for Sara and led the way to the two chairs that were standing in front of the desk. Before they took the chairs and shoved them to the back to create more space, they shared a look. She smiled at him, obviously not comfortable with all this. He raised his eyebrow in a gentle way, to tell her that it was going to be okay.

She shove on her chair, and finally found the position she was looking for. Sitting still was nothing for her, she was tapping with her right foot on the ground, probably even unaware of the fact that it was moving. Conrad Ecklie shared an irritated glance with Grissom, who looked back without any emotion. Just a little annoyed by this whole situation.

_Why would it be any different? I have loved her for a very long time now, it's just that we're calling ourselves 'in relationship' now. I don't think things have changed, supervisor to subordinate, I mean, and at work I don't want them to change. We can keep it professional, I am sure of that. If I just knew how to convince him._

"Sidle. Stop that."

She looked at him, unsure how to react. She wanted to be strong and controlled, but she already felt anger bursting under her skin. She bit the inner side of her lip so hard that it hurt, but she had to prevent herself from saying something stupid, something he could use to demote him. Or split the team up again. She certainly didn't want to be under _Catherine's_ supervision, not without him, at least.

"So, let's start. I think both of you know why you're here." He took a pause to check how both of them were looking. Sara was glaring right into Ecklie's eyes without breaking eye contact. Her mouth had been reduced to one single line. Grissom was checking the bookshelf behind his desk. Still, Conrad Ecklie knew that he was listening, very well.

When he realized that neither of them was going to answer the rhetorical question, he decided to continue. "Well, let's get to the point. We're here to discuss your abilities to work together. You both know that it is not going to work the way it is now. I have a couple of options for you. Of course I am the one who decides, but I think it's fair to let you choose a preference."

Conrad Ecklie silenced for a while, probably to make up his mind. Most definitely not for Grissom to interrupt him, according to the annoyed glare he gave him when he coughed.

"Conrad, I think you need to listen to us first. To me. We think that we _can_ keep it professional. For us, it won't change, we're two dedicated co-workers, we can separate work and private life perfectly."

He looked at Sara, who clearly wanted to add her words to what he just said. With a quick quiver of his eyes, he told her not to. _Don't make him mad._

Sara's inhalation was clearly heard. For one moment, Grissom was afraid that she was going to lose it, but she shrugged and let the tension fall as she breathed out.

She felt the urge to get out, to run to that door, to let this all be unreal. For one moment she wished that this wasn't true, that she was not sitting here as his girlfriend. It made her feel vulnerable, his protective eyes on her made her lose the confidence she almost had before they entered the office.

She stared at her knees, denying a sudden wave of nauseousness. She knew it was caused by nerves and there was nothing she could do about it but forcing herself to stay calm. She focused on her breathing and when she felt well enough again, she got herself back in the conversation.

"Gil… as much as I want to let the things be the same way, you must understand that I can't. You know the policy of the lab, and any relationship other than work-related is not allowed. So, if Miss Sidle wants to start working again, it's not under your supervision."

"Why not?" The angry tone of her voice sneered though the room. Both men looked at her, both with surprise. One with concern, the other with annoyance. She didn't break the glance she had with Ecklie. He mumbled some words, a little distracted through her sudden action, but she quickly interrupted him.

"What do you have against _us_?"

She didn't know why her voice suddenly spoke for her mind, but it felt right in some way. Deep down, she knew that this was not the solution and that this probably was going to make everything worse, but for one moment she didn't care.

"Look, I don't have anything against both of you, I'm just following the-"

"Policy of the lab? Don't make me laugh. Everyone knows how much Catherine wants Warrick, and she's allowed to supervise him. You even _made_ her his supervisor. Is it the fact that I am not keeping my mouth shut? Is it because Gil's not as _political_ as her? What is it, Ecklie? What makes you hate us?"

A painful silence fell while none of them dared to break it. When she understood what she had said, she stood up, opened the door and slammed it back in the frame.

Grissom stood up from his chair, opening the door. He called her name. "Leave me alone!" was the reply he got from her. He stood between two thoughts. He had to do what was best for both of them; he still had to negotiate with Ecklie and, in his opinion, it was better to let her unwind a little.

* * *

She felt the tears flowing on her cheeks as she made her way outside. She ruined it all, it was all going so well and she just broke it all. She wanted to stop the words in her mind, she wanted to stop the flood of emotions she felt. She wanted this to be one bad dream.

She fiercely opened the door, gulped a breath of fresh air. She sank down to the wall.

He was going to lose his job, she was so sure about that. And not because he made her pregnant, or loved her. Not even because, maybe in the future, they were going to marry. No, because she, Sara Sidle, couldn't keep her mouth shut and started yelling. _She_ caused it and she felt guilty.

And she cried. With her head forced to the bricks, she closed her eyes, clasped her fingernails in the palms of her hands, like the pain it caused would ease her guilt.

She always hated authority, ever since she was a child. She hated it when people decided what was good for her. She hated to feel voiceless, unable to add her words. She knew that sometimes it was better to say nothing. She didn't know why she couldn't think of that today.

_Blame the pregnancy._

It all seemed so easy, to curse the hormones. Or to use the haunting ghosts from her past as an excuse. But that wasn't 'it', Sara knew. _Posttraumatic stress?_ It wasn't _that_ easy, she was doing better. No, this was just the stupidity of herself. She should have kept her mouth shut and she hadn't done it.

She didn't know how long she sat on the floor in the cool sun of the morning but suddenly, she felt a hand on her knee. She sighed, closed her eyes. She knew who was sitting next to her, she felt it in the way he caressed the skin of her leg, she heard it in the way he inhaled the air. _Why such gentle gesture?_, she wondered. She waited for the moment he would break the silence and started yelling at her.

"Shhh, Sara, don't cry."

She looked at him through her tears. _Was that mercy?_

"Why…?" She wanted to say more, she wanted to blame herself before him. She wanted to try to explain it, she wanted him to scream at her so she could cry and fall into his arms. But all she could say was a very puny 'why'.

He took her hands in his and helped her up. "We're going home." Softly, he guided her in the direction of the car, hand on her shoulder. She didn't protest. Without any word, he drove.

* * *

He settled down on the couch and stared at her knees. He wasn't sure how he felt about what happened today. But one thing was for sure: he did not blame Sara for anything.

_What would it be like, being supervised again? Supervised by the woman I have taught almost everything she knows myself? _

He sighed and looked at her, to see if she was okay. He couldn't figure it out, she was looking down at the place between her feet and the table.

"I've been put under Catherine's supervision, still nights. No negotiation. When you're coming back to work, you'll work nights, unless you want something else. I'm sorry."

"Gris-, Gil… I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have-"

He quickly interrupted her apology.

"It's okay. It wouldn't have made a difference. Ecklie made up his mind before we even entered his office."

She swallowed. He was having a hard time with it, she felt it in the way his voice sounded, flat and almost weak. He couldn't fool her. Her hand moved to his jawbone, turned his head to her. She looked into his eyes, they were slightly turned wet. _He's crying…_, she thought, but in some strange way she didn't feel panic or sadness herself. She just needed to comfort him.

"Gil… it's okay… it truly is. Shhh, just cry… just cry…" she whispered hushingly.

He didn't. Instead of crying, he led her head to his and kissed her.

Mixed emotions flew through her head when she felt him everywhere, his hands on her jaw, almost hungrily pressing her to him. Afterwards, he held her head in his hands, stroking her cheeks with his thumbs.

When he let her go, she smiled at him, but her smile faded when she saw his sincere look.

"What's wrong…?" She asked, tremble in her voice. She felt slightly alarmed; this was a bad sign, wasn't it?

"Sara… I realized… I love you."

In puzzled expression, she looked at him.

"I know… but-"

"Shhh, I wasn't done yet. When I sat there in Ecklie's office, all I could think of was you. And suddenly I… I didn't care anymore whether I was going to be a supervisor or not. I just wanted to be with you. That's all that matters."

She weakly smiled at him. "I'm so glad that I'm on your team. I just want to be around you, not to be your star pupil, but… but just because I want to be with you."

She stood up from the couch and tugged with a string of her hair. "I just want to… lay down for a while, I'm just a little tired by all of… this. You want to come with me, to hold me?"

They shared an intense look, then smiled at each other. They both knew that it was going to be okay, even though the changes in their life seemed to be intense, they knew they were going to make it together.

"Of course I will." He stood up and walked to the bedroom with her. When he opened the door, he placed his hand on her shoulder, and kissed her on her temple. "I love you, Sara." He gently pushed her through the door and closed the door.

* * *

I have no clue when I'm going to write the next chapter, but I'll try and do my best :) 


End file.
